My mother lately has been obsessed with Dr. Phil. Honestly, I don’t know why she watches the show since I think Dr. Phil is sort of a hack (I’m sorry, his dissertation wasn’t over a psychological issue) the show though is entertaining enough. And I like how Dr. Phil always asks these supposedly “tough” questions. Some of the melodrama on that show is so similar to some of the stuff that goes on in YA. I wondered how some of YA’s biggest dumb asses would fair on that show. However, since I am a poor law student, Dr. Phil and his dissertation on arthritis were unable to doing his hosting duties so I will just have to rely on my bachelors in English and Political Science to psychologically analyze these girls. So without further ado, here is the transcript of our interview:
MJ (YAL Book Briefs): Welcome, everyone to What Were You Thinking. Today’s topic, dating a boy that’s not human. Everyone knows that human boys suck (audience starts clapping rapidly and cheering) it’s all about the paranormal creature ya’ll. Because what is more gorgeous than a vampire, werewolf, merman, or zombie hunk. Okay, maybe not zombies. Those are a little creepy…
Random Audience Member: My boyfriend’s a zombie!
MJ: My apologies to you. The rotting and eating flesh thing has to get annoying. Never the less, the topic on the blog today is dating a boy who’s not human and I have three very important guests: Bella Swan from Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Saga, Nora Grey from Becca Fitzpatrick’s Hush Hush Saga, and Bethany Church from Alexandra Adornetto’s Halo Trilogy.
(Bella, Nora, and Bethany proceed to walk over to the sitting area on the fictional set. Bella is wearing a Team Switzerland t-shirt while Nora Grey is wearing something blase that is just as forgettable as she is. As for Bethany, she is wearing an oversize Dallas Cowboys jersey and jeans).
MJ: Hi, ladies. It’s good to have you here on What Were You Thinking. I’d like to talk to each of you about your experience with your paranormal lover.
Bella: (blushes) Well, I’m not sure which one is my lover…..there’s Edward he’s a vampire and he’s perfect. He’s my everything. I am willing to give up anything and everything for him. And then there’s Jake when I’m around him I find myself liking different things. Like motorcycles even though I’m ridiculously clumsy and all. And did I mention he transforms himself into a big furry werewolf and….
MJ: This show is not about love triangles, Bella. Though I’ll be sure to invite you back to that show…if this feature stays on the blog for that long. What I want to know is what attracted you to your paranormal lover?
Bella: Oh, that’s easy, they’re hot.
MJ: And you’re willing to give up your life because a guy’s hot…
Bella: Well, you would too if your boyfriend was Edward Cullen and it’s not like I’m going to be dead dead because I’ll be a vampire.
MJ: But it’s a very painful process and your family is going to be dead in a hundred or so years, won’t you miss them?
Bella: (flippantly shrugs) I’ll have Edward.
MJ: What about college?
Bella: I’ll be in high school for eternity so it won’t really matter. And I’m really good at high school. Did you know that I met Edward in biology? How’s that for being ironic?
MJ: (chooses to ignore this remark) And Jake?
Bella: Don’t werewolves live forever too? I mean, if they don’t imprint. And since Jake can’t love anyone more than me that’s not going to happen ( laughs).
MJ: Okay, so to summarize you were attracted to your paranormal lover or should I say lovers because they’re hot.
Bella: Pretty much…
MJ: With that in mind, let’s turn to Nora. Nora, what can you tell me about your experience with your paranormal lover?
Nora: Well, Patch is the ultimate bad boy. When I first met him I thought he was going to kill me and of course that meant I had to stalk him.
MJ: Because he was going to kill you?
Nora: Pretty much. I mean, wouldn’t you stalk a guy if he was trying to kill you too?
MJ: No. I’d probably call the police and get a restraining order on him and then if he was still bugging me I’d get my cousin who’s in the military to have a word with him. Or in a worst case scenario, I’d probably try to get put in Witness Protection which might be a viable option for you considering the fact you watched Patch commit various crimes…
Nora: Even if he was hot?
MJ: Yes, even if he was hot.
Nora: Wow, your loss because what Patch and I have is great.
MJ: He tried to kill you.
Nora: He’s the ultimate bad boy. And he has abs of steel. Haven’t you seen my book covers?
He might have abs of steel, but seriously it looks like he’s going to push poor Nora off the cliff here.
MJ: Okay, I get it. Being hot counts for a lot. But aren’t you scared that one day your going to wake up and he’s going to attack you in a murderous rage?
Nora: Well, no. He’s my guardian angel. And guardian angels don’t kill people unless they have to. And Patch would never kill me. Well, at least not now. Unless my Nephilim heritage gets in the way. You know, that might be a problem….
MJ: Oh, really…well, speaking of angels let’s turn the mic over to Bethany Church from Alexandra Adornetto’s Hush Hush. Now the other guests I have here are human, but I decided to invite Bethany to participate in our little chat today because she can give us a perspective from the other side since she is a paranormal creature herself.
Bethany : I prefer angel or the lord’s messenger and might I say I am disgusted with what was said today.
MJ: (odd look on face) What?
Bethany: This attitude everyone is taking about relationships especially her (waves her finger obnoxiously at Bella)
Bella: What did I do?
Bethany: You’re unfaithful and you’re willing to give up your humanity. Obviously, you’re going to hell.
Where Bella’s going to end up. And yes, in Bethany’s world Hades means Hell. So, just try to deal with. Yes, I know it’s really annoying for anyone who knows anything to do with Greek mythology to rationalize that Hades and hell mean the same thing, but this is Bethany we’re talking about.
Bella: Well, it’s a good thing I want to be a vampire then, bitch.
Bethany: (looks at MJ in horror) There are children reading this….right?
MJ: (Shrugs) This blog isn’t controlled by the FCC, Bethany. But that’s besides the point. We’re completely off topic. As I said before this show is about paranormal relationships if we get the go for future interviews I’ll be sure to invite you to The Scarlet Letter reenactment show. Now let’s talk about your relationship or should I say relationships?
Bethany: Relationships? But I only have one Huggie Bear. I swear.
MJ : (smirks) But what about Jake?
Bethany: (bites lip) What about him? He’s a demon who tried to seduce me, I stayed strong for Huggie Bear though. We’re meant to be.
MJ: Didn’t Jake take you to the prom?
Bella: (interrupts) You ho! You call me out for being a slut and then you went out with another guy to prom? I didn’t even do that to Edward. Not that I could invite Jake (my Jake’s a cute puppy not a demon) to the prom anyway because of the treaty but still….
What a cute puppy actually looks like-obviously, this pup is too cute to be Jacob Black.
MJ:(Waves hands in the air) Simmer down, ladies. I just want to find out why Bethany was attracted to both…was it Huggie Buggie? And Jake.
Bethany: Huggie Bear. And no, I wasn’t attracted to Jake. But he was sort of hot….
MJ: And is Huggle Wuggles hot?
Bethany: Are you going to hell?
MJ: One would hope not…
Bethany: Well, you are.
MJ: (sighs) Okay then, folks. I think I got my answer to why paranormal boys are so much greater than human boys because they’re hot. I know it’s a dumb reason, but that’s all I got out of these characters. I’ll see next week when we discuss….hey….hey…stop it you two.
(Bella and Bethany have gotten into a cat fight and our now threatening to stick their significant others on each other, the interview regrettably stops here).
*Note, I do not own Bella Swan, Nora Grey or Bethany Church. Bella is property of Stephenie Meyer author of the Twilight Saga. Nora is property of Becca Fitzpatrick’s Hush Hush Saga. And Bethany is property of Alexandra Adornetto’s Halo Trilogy. The use of these characters was used to illustrate a point about paranormal romances in YA fiction. That for the most part paranormal romances are extremely trivial and usually rely heavily on psychical attributes rather than real emotions.