God knows, I wish I could go back in time when I was high school. I would do over a lot of things. Like to avoid the bubble shirt trend or for that matter investing in Apple stock when it was still relatively cheap as well as teaching myself the importance of not trying to cram for finals and/or AP tests and/or the SATs–though come to think of it I came out okay even though most of the studying I did in high school was cramming but that’s besides the point. The point is I wondered what some YA characters would write to their younger selves. You know, ten years or so after their respective series ends. So, let’s take a look:
Dear Girl with a Death Wish,
You’re probably going to disagree with me on everything in this letter. But honey, please stop and think before you give up your life for a vampire. You only have one life to live.
And yes, I know right now you think Edward is your everything and that you have this epic love. But let me tell you from experience, epic love dies about six years in the marriage when your six year-old daughter runs off with your werewolf ex to Bermuda and your husband does nothing about it because their meant to be (i.e. he doesn’t give a damn about the kid, he just happy he can now screw you all the time instead of just most of the time).
Meant to be, as in meant to be in jail since said werewolf ex ran off with a minor-even though she looks like she’s your age. But nobody, not even your psychic best friend will do anything to help you kick some pervert werewolf ass.
And for that matter, do you really want to attend high school for the rest of eternity? Oh sure, it’s easy work. But do you really want to read Great Expectations on a regular basis or for that matter learn about mitosis every six years? And you’d by this time you’d understand mitosis…but nope it still doesn’t make sense much like the whole vampire thing doesn’t make sense to you either (Because really how could Edward’s sperm live for ninety or so years before he decided to pop his cherry with you?).
So, just dump his ass right now. And decide to do something with your life that’s useful…like opening a bakery. You seem to be a good cook, given the fact that that’s all we talked about when we were younger (cooking for Charlie) and cupcakes are a big thing in the future. Not that you’ve gotten to eat a cupcake since 2006 but whatever.
To reiterate dump his ass now,
P.S. Rethink Mike Newton he’s actually not that bad of a catch, i.e. unlike some people he’s doing something with his life other than attending high school or abducting minors and moving to Bermuda.
Letter Three: Elope While You Get the Chance
Dear Ridiculously Happy Self,
I see you gushing in the afterglow happy that you decided to go with Michael to his apartment-and you should be. Michael is awesome. Still is, ten years later. But here’s the thing. Get that ring on your finger now.
Oh, I hear you whining-I’m only eighteen. Eighteen is too young to get married. Look at Miley Cyrus and how being engaged has made her get a truly atrocious haircut, but you’re not Miley. You’re a princess. And while you’ve had plenty of haircuts that make you look like a walking cue-tip, you’ve maintained. So, I’m pretty sure you could handle getting married at eighteen especially if you’re marrying Michael.
Of course, you’d think it would be just as easy at twenty-eight, but that’s where your wrong. It’s not that you and Michael are having difficulties. The two of you are doing great, it’s just that….well, Grandmere is in full bridezilla mode. And yeah, I know that she’s not the bride and all. But she has to outdo those British royals. So while you and Michael have been ready to say “I do” ever since you graduated from Sarah Lawrence and started working as a regular contributor for The New Yorker, Grandmere hasn’t let you. At this point in your-or should you say my- life you can’t even get a break from her. It’s all about the wedding and quite honestly you don’t care about the wedding anymore. At this point, you even agreed to wear the heinous marshmallow dress that she got some new hotshot designer, Pickles, to design for you when all you really want is to wear one of those cute little tea length BHLDN dresses to wear that have been deemed too common for a princess.
So Mia, marry Michael now while you have the chance. Sure, it will upset Dad and give you quite hassle with the whole student housing thing, but if anyone can make it work it’s you and Michael.
End my Misery,
Your Future Self
*Disclaimer: I do not own Hermione Granger, Bella Swan, or Mia Thrempolis. Hermione Granger is property of The Harry Potter series by JK Rowling, Bella is the property of The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer, and Mia is property of Meg Cabot’s Princess Diaries series.