YA Characters Letters to My Sixteen Year Old Self

God knows, I wish I could go back in time when I was high school.  I would do over a lot of things.  Like to avoid the bubble shirt trend or for that matter investing in Apple stock when it was still relatively cheap as well as teaching myself  the importance of not trying to cram for finals and/or AP tests and/or the SATs–though come to think of it I came out okay even though most of the studying I did in high school was cramming but that’s besides the point.  The point is I wondered what some YA characters would write to their younger selves.  You know, ten years or so after their respective series ends.  So, let’s take a look:

Letter One: Should’ve Chose Ravenclaw

Dear Little Miss Know it All,

Writing to my younger self seems weird and I have to wonder if it’s going to cause a ripple in time given all that reading material that Professor McGonagall gave our thirteen year old self warning us not to abuse the time turner…but that’s besides the point.  I have a couple of bones to pick with you.  So, please listen.

Okay, first and foremost leave Hogwarts and the magical world now.  I know, I know, you want to be all brave and help your friends.  But honey, it’s just going to end up with a lot of headaches and heartache.  Even you know at this point that both Harry and Ron are just slackers and while Harry has his moments, Ron is never going to amount to anything other world record holder on useless facts about the Chudley Cannons.

Yes, I know he’s the hot ginger guy that you are secretly in love with and that  one day you hope that your little arguments will turn in the heat of passion and you’ll make sweet love…yeah, I know you (or should I say we) read one too many of mum’s romance novels.  But you have to realize they’re just books.  Other than Chuddley Cannon knowledge, Ron will never really amount to anything except of course being the best friend of the boy who lived.  Though he’s really not much of a friend, is he?  Remember, your third and four year?

Remember, it’s fiction for a reason.  Relationships in real life aren’t and shouldn’t be like this.

Of course you do.  And I hate to break it to you, love, people don’t change.  As much as you’d like him to wake up with a brain and have goals that don’t include quidditch and  Lavender Brown it’s not going to happen. And yes, I hear you now saying that Lavender was just a distraction…and honestly, that’s all Ron will ever call her but you’ll see that she’s a recurring distraction that eventually you will walk in on after a hard day’s work at the ministry of magic (a job you had to get since being a Chuddley Cannon fan world record holder/best friend of the boy who lived won’t get you that much money).  Of course it’s over then and you’re not at fault, right?  Well, try telling that to your mother in law and for that matter your beloved brother in-law who you thought was your best friend.  Especially when he sides with Ron and calls you a nag….well, it makes you wish you left him in those woods all those years ago to deal with Voldemort himself.

My advice, get on that plane with your parents and head to Australia yourself.  If Harry really is the boy who lived he can handle Voldemort and the death eaters.

Screw them,

 Hermione

Letter Two:  One Life to Live

Dear Girl with a Death Wish,

You’re probably going to disagree with me on everything in this letter.  But honey, please stop and think before you give up your life for a vampire.  You only have one life to live.


And yes, I know right now you think Edward is your everything and that you have this epic love.  But let me tell you from experience,  epic love dies about six years in the marriage when your six year-old daughter runs off with your werewolf ex to Bermuda and your husband does nothing about it because their meant to be (i.e. he doesn’t give a damn about the kid, he just happy he can now screw you all the time instead of just most of the time).

Bermuda, not such a great place to go to when you sparkle.

Meant to be, as in meant to be in jail since said werewolf ex ran off with a minor-even though she looks like she’s your age.  But nobody, not even your psychic best friend will do anything to help you kick some pervert werewolf ass.

And for that matter, do you really want to attend high school for the rest of eternity?  Oh sure, it’s easy work.  But do you really want to read Great Expectations on a regular basis or for that matter learn about mitosis every six years?  And you’d by this time you’d understand mitosis…but nope it still doesn’t make sense much like the whole vampire thing doesn’t make sense to you either (Because really how could Edward’s sperm live for ninety or so years before he decided to pop his cherry with you?).

So, just dump his ass right now.  And decide to do something with your life that’s useful…like opening a bakery.  You seem to be a good cook, given the fact that that’s all we talked about when we were younger (cooking for Charlie) and cupcakes are a big thing in the future.  Not that you’ve gotten to eat a cupcake since 2006 but whatever.

Immortality is so not worth it when you can’t eat a cupcake.

To reiterate dump his ass now,

Bella

P.S. Rethink Mike Newton he’s actually not that bad of a catch, i.e. unlike some people he’s doing something with his life other than attending high school or abducting minors and moving to Bermuda.

Letter Three: Elope While You Get the Chance

Dear Ridiculously Happy Self,

I see you gushing in the afterglow happy that you decided to go with Michael to his apartment-and you should be.  Michael is awesome.  Still is, ten years later.  But here’s the thing.  Get that ring on your finger now.


Oh, I hear you whining-I’m only eighteen.  Eighteen is too young to get married.  Look at Miley Cyrus and how being engaged has made her get a truly atrocious haircut, but you’re not Miley.  You’re a princess.  And while you’ve had plenty of haircuts that make you look like a walking cue-tip, you’ve maintained.  So, I’m pretty sure you could handle getting married at eighteen especially if you’re marrying Michael.

Of course, you’d think it would be just as easy at twenty-eight, but that’s where your wrong.  It’s not that you and Michael are having difficulties.   The two of you are doing great, it’s just that….well, Grandmere is in full bridezilla mode.  And yeah, I know that she’s not the bride and all.  But she has to outdo those British royals.  So while you and Michael have been ready to say “I do” ever since you graduated from Sarah Lawrence and started working as a regular contributor for The New Yorker, Grandmere hasn’t let you.  At this point in your-or should you say my- life you can’t even get a break from her.  It’s all about the wedding and quite honestly you don’t care about the wedding anymore. At this point, you even agreed to wear the heinous marshmallow dress that she got some new hotshot designer, Pickles, to design for you when all you really want is to wear one of those cute little tea length BHLDN dresses to wear that have been deemed too common for a princess.

Obviously, this is something that neither of us are aspiring to look like.

So Mia, marry Michael now while you have the chance.  Sure, it will upset Dad and give you quite hassle with the whole student housing thing, but if anyone can make it work it’s you and Michael.

End my Misery,

Your Future Self

*Disclaimer: I do not own Hermione Granger, Bella Swan, or Mia Thrempolis.  Hermione Granger is property of The Harry Potter series by JK Rowling, Bella is the property  of The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer, and Mia is property of Meg Cabot’s Princess Diaries series.

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2 thoughts on “YA Characters Letters to My Sixteen Year Old Self

  1. Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, I really never got the whole Hermione and Ron thing either or for that mater Harry and Ginny (which really just seemed thrown together just to have one big happy Weasley family). Love the series otherwise, but not for the romance or for the fact that Rowling killed off my favorite character (RIP, Sirius Black).

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