Mini Review: And Now a Word From Bella Swan (Starcrossed 6-10)

Hi everyone, I’m Bella Swan and I’ll be writing this mini-review of Starcrossed  for chapters six through ten.  I actually asked MJ if I could write this post after discovering some disturbing information about Helen Hamilton on the internet.
I’m sure you never heard of me.  After all, I’m just your average girl in love with a vampire and mother to werewolf loving cannibalistic baby.  You know, a girl just like you.  And I have so many problems.   Oh, so many problems.  Like there are two hot boys fighting over me. Though one of them is now settling down with my daughter (don’t ask).  In fact, it’s because of the heart ache of Jake dating Nessie-they don’t call them the terrible twos for nothing.  Long story short, Edward told me I needed to meet people  which is why I met Helen .  She like totally steals my thunder.  I mean, seriously she’s trying to steal my life.  Don’t believe me let’s look at some of the evidence:


Here is the summary of my story:

“About three things I was absolute positive.   

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, there was a part of him–and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be–that thirsted for my blood.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” (Meyer)

Here’s the summary of Helen’s tale:

“When shy, awkward Helen Hamilton meets Lucas Delos for the first time she thinks two things: the first, that he is the most ridiculously beautiful boy she has seen in her life; the second that she wants to kill him with her bare hands. 

An ancient curse means Lucas and Helen are destined to loathe one another.  But sometimes love is stronger than hate, and not even the gods themselves can prevent what will happen next…” (Angelini)

Okay, so like the wording isn’t exact but she does do the same counting thing that I do.  Plus, Lucas wants to kill her.  That’s always an attractive trait in a boy.  I remember when Edward told me that I would make the most delicious snack.  Those were the days.  Now he’s obsessing over some new girl in our English class who smells like salami.  I swear.

Aside the loving boys who want to kill you, I guess our summaries really don’t have that much in common.  But what about our actual stories.

My Story vs Hers:

So, I guess our stories are different enough.  I mean, I never had to deal with being a goddess.  Just falling in love with a vampire.  Oh, and a werewolf. That’s a lot more conflict.  I was a human.  I was weak.  Therefore, more relatable.  And so what if all the guys fall in love with me…I’m just…I’m just Bella.

However, if you take a closer look at our stories they really aren’t that different.  Sure,  Helen’s dealing with the whole goddess thing.  But she still fell in love with the mysterious new boy at school.  A mysterious new boy who’s hot and tries to kill her.

Hmm, where did I see that before?

Oh, and wait did I mention everyone in his family is hot and one looks like my best friend, Alice.

Does Helen have a demon baby too?

Not yet.  But that’s besides the point.  Her new found family puts her in harms way.  She hasn’t yet gone on a road trip cross country to escape a psycho, but it’s only a matter of time.

Plus, did I mention she likes to cook for her dad?  It’s like her only hobby.  Just like mine was as a human.  Now, that I’m a member of the undead my favorite hobby is showing everyone just how powerful I am and strutting around like a supermodel.  I was never able to strut around like a supermodel when I was alive because I was clumsy.  Helen is alive and isn’t clumsy and looks like Heidi Klum, some things in life are just so unfair.  Though I still bet I could beat her in an arm wrestling match.

Seriously, do I know You? 

I thought I knew everyone in Helen’s world.   I  really did wonder if Edward cheated on me.  Then I read that Lucas’s eyes were blue and was relieved.  But then again he could’ve worn colored contacts.  Oh, and dyed his hair.  But it wasn’t just Lucas that seemed so familiar.  Everyone seemed familiar.  I mean, even Helen’s dad seemed like my dad.  Let’s just look at a few of Helen’s friends and family and compare them to mine.  Heck, while were at it we should even compare me to Helen (like she could achieve my level of  sheer awesomeness).

Cullen Family:

Okay, I might not remember all of the names in the Delos family other than the fact that all of them seem to be named off of someone in Greek mythology, but I don’t remember everyone in my own family either.  It really gets confusing when the Cullens extended family comes over.  And I have to admit in the beginning it was sort of hard to distinguish Emmett from Jasper even though they look totally different.  The point is that the Delos family is totally like my family.  I mean, just look at some of these similarities I found:

The first example I chose to use is the town’s reaction to the Delos.  First I’ll remind you what I was told about the Cullen family when I was in the cafeteria that fateful first day of school:

Now let’s look at what was said in Starcrossed about the mysterious Delos family:

“The only thing Helen could confidently gather from all the clatter was that the Delos family was rather unconventional.  THere were two fathers who were brothers, their younger sister, one mother (one of the fathers was a widower), and five kids, all living together on the property.  The entire family was supposed to be unbelievably smart and beautiful and wealthy.” (Angelini 13).

Okay, I get that this quote comes earlier in the book, but it still is relevant to proving my point.  I mean, unbelievably smart, beautiful, and wealthy that describes the Cullens.  I guess there are lots of smart and pretty people out there, but the family living situation is just as bizarre as ours.  But hey, at least not everyone is making out with each other.  Or maybe that’s not such a good thing.  I don’t know.

Also, both the Delos and the Cullens have strange names.  That was the first thing I noticed about them when I met them, besides the fact that they’re unbelievably gorgeous.

“Strange, unpopular names, I thought.  The kinds of names grandparents had.” (Meyer 20).

Admittedly, the Delos clan uses different sorts of names than the Cullens have.  But they’re still weird and special.  Everyone has  to be named after some Greek mythological figure.  Is that really necessary?  Though I do have to say I chuckled back some laughs when I learned the significance of Helen’s name:

“For us, naming your daughter Helen is like a Christian naming their child, Judas.” (Angelini 204).

Though Rosalie says I’m one to talk since I named my daughter Renesmee.  But really, I ask what is wrong with Renesmee?

It’s not that they have odd names and that everyone is obsessing them that reminds me of their family.  even their family structure is similar:

“Helen had always tacitly assumed that Lucas was the leader of the kids and that his father, Castor, was the  leader of the whole family.” (123)

That’s the exact same assumption I made about the Cullen family.   Edward can pretty much read everyone’s mind so it’s not that big of a stretch to believe he calls the orders.  Especially since he got everyone to go on that ridiculous road trip when James was after us.  Really, why not get on the family’s private jet and fly off to Isle Esme or something.  It’s not like James could’ve tracked us from forty thousand feet in the air unless he could fly or something.  Oh, and isn’t it odd that Castor’s name starts with a C similar to Carlisle.

I could go on about how one of Lucas’s sisters looks like Alice and how his mother likes to cook all the time like Esme, but I think it’s time to  move on.


Maybe all dads are like Charlie, disinterested in their children’s life and always satisfied with dinner on the table.  But Carlisle’s not like that and neither is Edward.  But Edward really could care less about Nessie.   He does loves our little monster but he’d rather be banging me than taking care of our daughter.  And it’s not like Nessie could even cook for him if we ate normal food.  So, I think it’s safe to say that Charlie is rather similar to Jerry Hamilton.  The only good thing about this guy I guess is that he doesn’t try to pimp Helen out to her local werewolf, but it’s only a matter of time.  However, this one particular quote reminded me a lot of how Charlie:

“Is this the part where I’m suppose to be the concerned parent and demand that you tell me exactly what’s going on between you and Mr. Superfantastic over there?” (253).

After being a parent and dealing with a daughter who has a wolf obsession I’ll say this.  Yes, Mr. Hamilton you really should be concerned especially if you don’t want Helen to end up like me-an undead teenage mother.  Though I guess, Helen really wouldn’t be dead.  She’d just be strapped with a kid.


Edward was one of the kind at least I thought that until I checked out Fictionbook*.  And found out that there are a ton of guys out there that are sort of like him.  And Lucas is one of them.  He romances Helen in the exact same way.  Save for the fact that they didn’t meet in Biology class.  Instead, they started a fight in the hallway.  And I have to give credit for them that’s sort of romantic.  However, other than the fight there’s really nothing that separates Lucas from Edward.  Let’s look at some of Edward and Lucas’s most romantic moments:

” ‘I’ll tell him you abuse me,’ Helen said with a shrug.  She jumped off the examining table.

 ‘And I’ll tell him you like it,’ he teased back, his voice rich and slow.'” (195).

Nothing like abusive banter.  I remember some of my own abusive banter with Edward:

” ‘And so the lion feel in love with the lamb,” he murmured.  I looked away, hiding  my eyes as I thrilled to the world.

‘What a stupid lamb,’ I sighed.

‘What a sick, masochistic lion.'” (Meyer 274).

I will admit that my abusive banter with Edward is a little bit more subtle than the abusive banter that goes on between Helen and Lucas but it still has the same appeal.  Lions eat lambs up into little bitty pieces.  Masochistic means that one derives pleasure from pain.  So it’s easy to say based off of it’s context that Edward and I were really talking about abuse.  Though I should mention that our relationship is NOT abusive.  God, I don’t know why so many people say that.  And it’s true I might’ve freaked out when he left me but….

Okay, let’s get back on topic.  Besides, abusive banter my Edward and Lucas also share similarities in the fact that they are so protective over Helen and me.  Case in point, that cross country trip after James smelled me.  As for Lucas, well he sends his relatives to watch after Helen after some random people tried to mug her.

Oh, did I mention she was almost mugged.  That almost happened to me, but Edward rescued me and Helen was rescued by Lucas.  That’s a pretty weird coincidence, right?


 I decided to be generous and put up a picture of Helen for once.  And okay, it’s of Helen of Troy but close enough.

And I’ll be damned, but Helen is just like me.  At first I thought it was just a lot of similarities.  After all, I am the average teenage girl, you know.  But no she’s a complete rip off:

First of all there our are names.  Both of them just show how beautiful we truly our.  But you’d never like know that unless you knew the meaning behind out names.  Bella Swan  means Beautiful Swan and Helen of Troy was like the most gorgeous woman in the world.

But it goes more beyond beauty, I mean both Helen and I have the utmost devotion for our guys.  I was willing to die for Edward and Helen…. well, she states this:

“The last cobwebs clearing form her eyes, she decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation.  He would be so worth it.”  (Angelini 195).

Okay, so maybe Helen’s devotion is a little bit more than my devotion for Edward.  A sex change operation.  Really?  Isn’t that like life altering what if you break up or whatever.  I may be willing to be undead the rest of eternity for Edward but I wouldn’t be willing to become Ben Swan it just doesn’t have the same ring as Bella.  Plus, I sort of thought in order to have a sex change you had to go through a lot of complex steps like getting a psychological evaluation, going  through hormone therapy, and then sometimes there are actual surgical procedures involved too.  Seems like a lot of money involved while when you become a vampire all you need is for someone to bite you.

Little Life Lessons

A lot of the little life lessons that Helen has learned thus far in Starcrossed are similar to lessons I learned as well:

5. Boys don’t like it when you have a personality or strength.  They expect you to be weak.  And don’t give me that crap about feminism.  Want to know what feminism is, see this clip below.

4.  You can always pacify your father with a good home cooked meal and a lame excuse.  It should be noted though while Charlie will eat anything just as long as it has a beer Mr. Hamilton is a little bit into the gourmet food thing.  So maybe in Helen’s case it would be wise to watch the Food Network.

3. Sleeping together doesn’t mean sleeping together.  It’s perfectly okay and natural for you and your significant other to be sharing the same bed with each only mere days (or hours) after he tried to take your life.

2. Ambition isn’t everything, clearly.  Love is.  So drop everything for love.  Because like you can always go to college later if you don’t get pregnant and die and then have to spend eternity in high school (wait, that only applies to me).

1. And the most important lesson of all, he only tried to kill you because he loved you.  Yes, I know it seems so strange but seriously…it happened to me, it happened to Helen, it happened to Nora Grey in the Hush Hush Saga and a ton of other people on Fictionbook.

Seriously Copy Cat Much

Honestly, I shouldn’t be surprise.  There are plenty other accounts on Fictionbook that have tried to copy me and my greatness.  I mean, here’s a few I found just browsing the site.


This girl Megan is totally like the Irish transplant version of me.  Though I’d look so much cuter than her in green.    This review does a pretty good job explaining all the similarities between Megan and me.  I  will add this though, I don’t even I think I’d be this boring in Ireland.  Ireland is a really cool country.  I always wanted to go there, yet Megan seems to have a pretty blase attitude towards everything.  Then again I can tots understand since being a new girl in Forks sucked.

And people say the relationship that Edward and I share is messed up.  These humans in this book have way more problems than we do and they’re not even dealing with an over hormonal half breed.  I really do feel for Abby though.  Like her, I obviously like bad boys.  But if Edward was as psychotic as Travis-a.k.a. punching everything every second-I’d seriously consider stealing Jake from Nessie.  But I can see the similarities between my relationship with Edward and Abby’s relationship with Travis.  I mean, love at first sight, can’t live without you, and all that jazz.  It’s an epic story in the making.  My epic love story.

If there is anyone that is a poser it’s Anastasia Steele.  Seriously, it’s like some one from Forks High wrote this fantasy about being with Edward totally forgetting the fact that Edward only has eyes for me.  Jessica, did you change your name to Anastasia (the inward goddess thing sort of sounds like something you ranted about in school)? If so,  I don’t blame you, honey.   Edward is a lot better than Mike Newton, but you really didn’t need to create yourself a fake boyfriend over it.  And yes, I know Christian is fake.  I mean, seriously, Edward and I are vampires and we’re not even that sadistic enough to have a room of pain and do that thing with the tampon.  Really?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Concluding Thoughts

So, obviously Helen wants to be like me.  She’s not the first or the last poser.  I just wanted to set the record straight though, my life isn’t perfect.  I mean, it’s probably better than yours since I have the perfect guy, look like a super model, and drive a Ferrari.  And oh yeah, attending high school again sort of sucks.  I really should’ve listened to Edward on the whole college thing because Biology isn’t that great the second time around.  Especially since I don’t have Edward as a lab partner and I’m sort of dealing with my daughter and her boyfriend.  I mean, seriously, two years-old is way too young to date.  She could’ve waited until she was like six or something.  Getting back to the point, I guess there will always be posers some will be more obvious than others.  And it’s annoying.  I mean, there are lots of different kinds of people out there.  I’m sure some people would be interested in hearing about one of those brainy girls who has goals and isn’t interested in the first hot guy she sees.  But really?  Really, I sort of get why you’d like to be like me.  I want to be like me.  But will say this there is really only one Bella Swan and that is me.  So eat your heart out, Helen “Heaven” Hamilton because you’ll never be the original.

Work Cited
Angelini, Josephine. Starcrossed. New York: HarperTeen, 2011. 
Meyer, Stephenie. Twilight. New York: Little, Brown and, 2005. Print.


*I do not own Bella Swan.  I was merely using her to show my irritation for Twilight wannabes.  She belongs to Stephenie Meyer as well as Twilight.  
* Fictionbook was a made up site for the purpose of this post.  It’s suppose to be like Facebook but for fictional characters.

2 thoughts on “Mini Review: And Now a Word From Bella Swan (Starcrossed 6-10)

  1. LOLThis was fun!Though I'm gonna come out and say it – and hope that Bella doesn't try to use her Vampire fangs on me – but I think Eddie boy is kind of.. bland looking? like I've totally seen hotter guys. I was lost about the whole Starcrossed thing 😛 mostly because it does sound a lot like Twilight 😛

  2. Yep, I'd agree with that statement. I partially blame it on Robert Pattinson. I think I remember reading that Meyer originally had Henry Cavil in mind for Edward which would've been a yummier choice. Though I have to say Cavil should be glad he was too old for the role when the films were made. I don't think I could've stood it had he subjected himself to play Edward. The book is ridiculously similar. I just got done reading a part where one of the sister's is revealed to be psychic. Not sure if this is the one who had the small delicate build and pixie like haircut (for some reason I think this was the one with healing powers) but close enough.I think my biggest issue is why has this character archetype (weak paranormal heroine) lasted so long. I mean, other trends have come and gone in YA. But it just seems like cruddy protagonists are here to stay.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s