MJ:(serious news caster voice) It’s a disturbing trend in YA. A protagonist you can’t stand. You try o like her. You really do. You might try find things that you and her have in common with in common. Except, well, you don’t gel and that just sort of makes the rest of the book suck. But why are these characters so annoying, why can’t they chill. Well, today on What Were You Thinking we’re going to dig deeper in those feelings (cue the cheap theme music and log, this time we got all fancy and have clips from our previous shows as credits). Now that our credits are out the way it’s time for me to introduce our guests. First of all, you want to punch her when you read all about her exploits with Xavier in Halo, Ms. Bethany Church. Next, we have everyone’s least favorite magnolia, Alexandra Lee from the Magnolia League. And finally last but not least, Elsie from Notes from an Accidental Band Geek.
(As the guests enter a close up is focused on MJ who is popping a perfuse amount of happy pills because in order to interview these bitches MJ needs to be pretty high).
Each of you are here because you annoy me. How do you feel about that?
Bethany: You’re going to hell.
MJ: Like I care Little Ms. Fallen Angel.
Bethany: I’m not a fallen angel, at least not yet.
MJ: You should be by now. Exactly how many times have you decided to defy heaven with
Honey Boo Boo Huggie Bear? Since you decided to initiate this little conversation let’s talk about how you’re an obnoxious character first.
Bethany: You meant how I’m a wonderful character who everyone loves.
MJ: No, I’m talking about obnoxious. You my dear, represent the worse in YA paranormal herorines. I mean, do you have any hobby that doesn’t involve Xavier? Any goals? Any ambitions?
Elsie: I have goals and ambitions but I learned that…..
MJ: Sorry, it’s not your turn to talk. I’ll get with your insturmentality (is that what you call being attracted to your instrument?) in a minute.
(Elsie pouts, MJ rolls as as Bethany tries to hand Elsie a Bible. Which Elsie promptly throws in her face and mutters something about how she can’t concern herself with something that doesn’t involve music).
Bethany: You know, you don’t have to be rude.
MJ: Are you talking to me again? Seriously, you should realize by now that you’re advice does nothing to me.
Bethany: I know. But seriously, why are you judging me? Is there anything wrong with being with the one you love?
MJ: No. But you should still maintain some sense of self. Healthy relationships are about having experiencing with someone who’s not…well, you.
Bethany: Well, I’m an angel Xavier is a human. That’s our differences. Besides, it’s a good thing I’m obsessed with him. That means, our love is true.
MJ: See this is the sort of crap that annoys me. More than you being so stupidly perfect. Being beautiful but not realizing it. And always managing to find inner strength of God or something to help you out when you get in a bind. This is why I don’t like you.
Bethany: Because I obsess over Xavier?
MJ: Exactly. You a dependent idiot. You are like Bella Swan but dumber.
Bethany: How dare you compare me to that demon…she decked me. Remember, she decked me.
MJ: And you deserved it.
Bethany: You are so going to hell.
MJ:(Combo sigh and rolling eyes) Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. Now, I want to talk to Alex. How would you describe yourself?
Alex: Describing yourself is so mainstream, man. Why must you conform to everything?
MJ: How am I conforming to anything?
Alex: You work for a fictional TV show, you are so selling out to the man.
MJ: Trust me, if I wanted to sell out there would be a lot better ways to do it like write a Twilight fan fiction where Bella gets together with Edward, Jacob, Christian Gray, Travis from Beautiful Disaster and any other douchey male characters that women find to be simply irresistible for whatever reason. And get a seven figure publishing contract because you know p2p fiction is so in right now. Cinderella story, ya’ll.
Alex: Thaddeus is simply irresistible.
MJ: God damn it, you’ve barely said two words to that guy before he put a love spell on you. And for that matter he was mean to you. He didn’t love you for who you were.
Alex: That was because I was fat.
MJ: Bull shit. You are hardly fat. You were a size six before you went on this magical bulimia thing. And furthermore, I don’t care what your dead mom says using magic to adjust your looks is never right. You should be happy with who you are and celebrate it. Embrace it. And tell anyone who says your ugly to go screw themselves. That’s what being an individual is about.
Alex: But I was so fat and ugly. My hair was in dreads and Reggie called me Pudge.
MJ: Because he’s an asshole.
Alex: He’s dead now, you know.
MJ: For some unexpected and glossed over reason like the rest of your hippie commune (my guess is Eric Cartman finally got to them).
Alex: I died too for a little while too.
MJ: Because you were a dumb ass and trusted a crazy lady. Seriously, it’s not smart to get into a coffin unless you’re dead or a vampire. Otherwise you’re going to be buried alive.
Alex: But I was brought back through the power of love…
MJ: For a guy you barely know.
Alex: That doesn’t make me annoying though.
MJ: No. What makes you annoying is that you are a sanctimonious ingrate who has an unrealistic view of body image. Come to think of it, I really can’t stand sanctimonious characters which brings me to you, Elsie.
Elsie: So you’re letting me talk now?
MJ: Well, yeah, I did say I was going to interview you.
Elsie: I’d rather play the French Horn.
MJ: (sarcastically)And I’d rather be watching Wheel of Fortune, but you can’t always get what you want in life. Surely, you know that.
Elsie: Obviously, you’re not good enough to get what you want.
Elsie: I’m sorry, was I being insensitive?
MJ: Yes, actually you were. You know your insensitivity was what really annoyed me.
Elsie: I don’t mean to be insensitive and I’m really not, I’m a musical genius.
Elsie: What’s so funny?
MJ: You are just too precious.
Elsie: How am I precious, I just told you the truth. I am a musical genius. I am going to be the youngest person ever in the BSO after I graduate from New England Conservatory and…
MJ: And rack over a hundred grand in loans. Yes, I know. I heard it. I just think you need a reality check. And you’ll get one eventually, unless you decide to rely on nepotism your entire life.
Elsie: Hey, I won that position at Singing Birches all on my own not that I took it because my friends in marching bands feelings would’ve been hurt. Dad didn’t say anything. The conductor was impressed with my marching band solo.
MJ: Oh, yes because he could just hear it. Honestly, I don’t see why he’d be impressed with a bastardized piccolo solo especially considering you flubbed it.
Elsie: My friends said it was okay.
MJ: They didn’t want you to freak out on the bus. You tend to freak out on buses. Let me count the times first there was the time with your dad (that freak out and its aftermath lasted twenty pages), then the time you got locked on a bus ( that took five pages and a bad Star Wars revenge to get through), must I continue?
Elsie: You’re mean. You need to apologize. You know no one is going to like you because you use big words and act like you’re better than anyone else.
MJ: Fine. Let them hate me. And what big words did I use, seriously I just spoke English.
Elsie: Well, you’re being mean to me, Alex, and Bethany. And that’s not right. You have to be nice to people.
Alex and Bethany: Yeah.
MJ: (shrugs)Well, you don’t have to be nice if the person sucks and for that matter if they annoy you to no end. What you have to be is honest and I honestly find you three to be some of the most insufferable characters out there in YA today.
Obviously, I own none of these characters. This is more or less an opportunity for me to explore on why certain characters or character types in YA drive me bonkers. Alexandra Adornetto, Katie Crouch and Grady Hendrix, and Erin Dionne respectively own the rights to their characters.