Screw the format I usually follow.
I can’t do it today. Not after I read this rainbow turd of a book. That’s right, I said rainbow turd. And when I say rainbow turd, you know the book’s shitty. If you don’t want to read my entire rant about why Dreamless was even more insipid than its shitty predecessor, I’ll briefly summarize why I hated it: it was way too long, the character is on the same Mary Sue level as Bethany Church, and I’ve seen more coherent plots come out of Power Rangers.
So I guess now, I’m going to start my rant. I thought a lot about how I was going to address my issues with this book. But maybe I’m not the best person to address how foul this unicorn rainbow barf/fart is. That’s why I’m leaving that job to Helen.
Yes, I’m letting Helen freaking Heavenly Hamilton tell you why this book sucks. Well, actually I’m going to be interviewing her (don’t worry, I’ve taken proper precautions).
Me: So, Helen, we meet again.
Helen: Aren’t you going to tell me how beyoutiful I am?
Me: You look like a Barbie. But I really don’t care about how you look.
Helen: But I’m the face. Everyone looooooooooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeesssss…..
Me: Shut up.
Helen: Gasp! What did you tell me?
Me: I said to shut up. I honestly, don’t get it. Why everyone bows down to you? When you’re one of the most useless characters in YA literature.
Helen: I thought that went to Bethany Church or that Luce girl
Me (groans): They’re annoying too. But I just spent a week reading about your shitty glitter antics and how you never have consequences to deal with. And how your freaking perfect and how all the boys love you. And how anyone who doesn’t is an evil person….Jesus, can’t you give it a rest.
Helen: I didn’t think I did anything wrong. And I can’t help it that I have the face.
Me: Oh, you can help it. You can start by not being so useless. Or maybe taking responsibility for your actions and not solving every problem (like the furies) like a freaking bad Saturday morning cartoon.
Helen: Cartoons are for babies.
Me: Um, no they’re not. There’s actually a lot of really good cartoons that I still watch as an adult. But your whole story reads like a bad cartoon. The solution to your problems is way too easy. There’s no character development between you and any of the characters.
Helen: But what about Orion?
Me: You mean the replacement Lucas that you instantly fell in love with. When he was suppose to, I don’t know help you fight the furies.
Helen: He’s not a replacement for Lucas. Lucas is…ew, he’s my cousin.
Me (rolls eyes): You know, it’s still legal to marry your cousin in a lot of the US (including Massachusetts which is where your from), right? It’s not the same thing as dating your brother (looks in the direction of Clary Fray) though it’s not exactly what I’d consider…The point is, it’s legal and considered normal by many people. It’s not that taboo.
Helen: But we’ll end up like Oedipus.
Me: Hmmm, unless Lucas’s dad went back in time and was either Lucas or Orion then I don’t think you could be his own mother. And God, you’re still thinking about him. Them. Why can’t you like do something constructive like learn to fight?
Helen: I don’t mean to be useless it’s not my fault that I’m powerless in the underworld.
Me: (skeptical look) Didn’t you sort of blow off Hector in the last book? And that’s another thing I don’t get, if you’re supposedly related to him why didn’t you want to kill him….
Helen: Um, I’m a special snowflake who doesn’t like being special.
Me: Of course you are.
Helen: Was that sarcasm?
Me (Acting innocent): Of course not. Though I do have to admit you’re a bit of a dumb ass by now if…
Helen: If what….
Helen: But I want to know?
Me: Moving on….
Helen: Hey! I want to know.
Me: This is my interview, Helen. Now I want to talk about that ludicrous plot of yours. Did your author take an acid trip when she read Edith Hamilton’s Mythology?
Helen: That’s mean.
Me: Well, I’m sorry. I’m just making a generalization, I just don’t understand the concept of Angelini’s world building. Then again, I can’t figure out why she’d get a seven figure deal for this shit fest. Heck….
Helen: What’s so bizarre about the story? It uses Greek mythology, right?
Me: More like it has rainbow and glitter diarrhea all over Greek Mythology.
Helen (crosses arms): It does not.
Me: Okay, does this make sense to you: Emo teen who can go in the underworld without being dead or a dignity every night dying because she can’t dream (rolls eyes on this one), emo teenage boy we’re suppose to find hot who beats up things because he can’t bang his cousin, some scions from different houses hating each other some not, magic rivers with special river juice, ant men who aren’t a part of the Marvel universe, furies who no longer try to kill you even before you give them river juice, people being more afraid of people with invisibility powers than girls who can shoot lightening out of their hands, having people go to school after they crash their bike into sewage water and touch a dead animal that could’ve been rabid….
Helen: Hey, that last one doesn’t have to deal with the world building.
Me: That last one was just there because it was gross. Seriously, any self respecting human being would’ve headed home or better yet the hospital after touching dead squirrel. For all you know it could’ve had rabies or some other wild animal disease. And to go to school like that? Do you really want to be known as Rotten Rodent Girl?
Helen: But it was school…
Me: You weren’t there and once you got a pass, you basically skipped the whole day anyway. And I used this particular example because it was really gross and unnecessary just about like the rest of the 480 pages of this book. Seriously, it could’ve been cut in half and it still would’ve been too long.
Helen: You just hated it because I’m beautiful.
Me: No. No. I got annoyed that I kept hearing how pretty you are. But I could care less about your looks. Honestly, I thought it was sort of cool that Helen of Troy was your archetype at first because you could’ve been a real bitch of a character. But nope…you’re perfect annoyingly squeaky clean Helen. And I hate you. Heck, Angelini can’t even do archetypes right….it’s not even like she knows the characters. Like Paris, he’s not suppose to be the hero.
Me: Lucas. But your author renamed him, probably because calling a guy Paris isn’t going to make him sound like Edward Cullen which is what I think she was striving towards. Honestly, I have to wonder if this series was originally fan fiction. I mean, it’s pitched like it’s Percy Jackson for girls. Lucas is a rip off for Edward with his controlling and stalkerish ways. Seriously, he sits in front of your bedroom all night that’s not right, and you two are broken up in book two just like Bella and Edward. Oh, and you know have a lightening bolt scar like Harry freaking Potter. And Orion could just as well be a teenage Sirius Black.
Helen: Are you finished?
Me: No, quite frankly I’m not. Seven fucking figures. Seven fucking figures. Do you know what I could do with that sort of advance. And it’s not even like she tried with this piece of unicorn poo. Even my fan fictions are better than this….this fucking piece of….
Helen: Hey! What about the other characters?
Helen: You’re not complaining about them….
Me: Oh, I’m not. I already mentioned that she loves archetypes didn’t I? That all of you scions are based very loosely off of Greek figures. Oh, did I also mention that she’s generalized all the supportive human roles too. Let’s see, while there is some diversity in these books the characters are token characters at best like Claire (or Giggles if we’re using your stupid nickname for her). And while that by itself is great, we’re told that Claire is sort of weary about dating guys who aren’t the same race as her (i.e. she’s in love with Jason). And we’re told this is a tradition. WTF!??!!?!?! Oh, and if that little generalization isn’t bad enough, the Latina characters in this book are described frequently as saucy. Note to authors writing diverse characters, just because their skin color/culture/background is different than yours we don’t have to generalize them by describing them as saucy or having their relatives frown when they bring their non-Japanese boyfriend/friends home for dinner and have that character contemplate about dumping a guy just based off of skin color. Fucking unicorn sparkly……….
Helen: Can you just shut up already.
Me: No, I had to put up with you for a week and….
Helen: (lightening bolt forms from her hand) Seriously, shut up now…
Me: You’re too much of a Mary Sue to do it (grabs water gun from purse and sprays Helen. Helen falls to the floor withering and claiming that she’s melting). Wrong book. Now that that nonsense is done. I think it’s time I read another book, something that makes me retain my faith in humanity. Seven fucking figures…..
* Note, for those who don’t know I am not Josephine Angelini. I do not own the character Helen. I merely using her character to review this God forsaken unicorn puke book.