1) Take a sip every time you want to slap Zoey: When we’re introduced to Zoey she’s instantly unlikeable from the start. It might be because she failed her Mary Sue litmus test multiple times or the fact she’s so judgmental on everyone. For example, our introduction is her bashing her ex because he drinks a lot and smokes. So, freaking what? It’s his life not hers. Yes, I get that drinking and doing drugs is bad, but she’s not his mother. And she’s broken up with him. Here’s a few more people she makes ill informed judgments on throughout the book (you can use them as guideposts to know when to drink):
- Her mother/family (save for her hippie grandma): Zoey’s parents are religious and have problem, ya’ll. And she makes sure that she berates them for it. Especially when it concerns her mother’s relationship with her step father. I know I’m suppose to feel sorry for Zoey after reading this, but I don’t. I really don’t. The one sided judgements that are made just made me angry. Whenever her family’s mention you can also take a sip per number three (a.k.a. stereotyping).
- Skinny Girls: Zoey frequently knocks people with skinny body types and make crude remarks about girls suffering from eating disorders. Look, eating disorders are bad, but so is making fun of someone’s body shape. You really think that if you say you look like a walking stick to a girl who is suffering form self esteem issues that she’s starving herself/causing to throw up is the healthiest way to get around a positive body image. No, just no. Plus, Zoey there are people who are naturally skinny. Who as much as they’d like to have curves don’t. Calling them hos just because the way they look is wrong.
- Aphrodite and Poor Sarah Jessica Parker: Zoey hates Aphrodite right off the bat for no apparent reason (Aphrodite even attempts to be nice to her) and tells us that she looks like an annoying hag, just like Sarah Jessica Parker. A popular girl looking like SJP? Have you seen SJP as a teen. Sort of awkward looking. Plus, how can you find SJP annoying? She is Carey Bradshaw and she probably has the best wardrobe in television history.
- Stevie Rae (her new bf.f.): Stevie Rae might be Zoey’s new b.f.f., but that doesn’t stop her from constantly telling the audience what a provincial hick she is.
- Kayla (her old b.f.f.): Zoey goes completely psycho on her former b.f.f. making random accusations that Kayla is into her ex because she’s wearing a shirt that’s the color of flesh. I kid you not.
- Elliot: This poor sole never even talked to Zoey and she talks about how mean and ugly he is. And just brushes off his death because he’s apparently butt ugly.
2) Take a swallow every time we’re told she’s special: Oh dear lord, the amount of Zoey butt kissing that goes on in this book alone can send someone into a root beer coma. It’s constantly hammered into the reader’s head: Zoey’s an outcast, she’s beautiful, she has random out of body experiences, her mark is special, she can control all the elements just like Captain Planet (though heart is replaced with spirit), and all the boys love her.
3) Take a sip anytime the Casts offend a person based on race/gender/sexuality/weight/culture/or just humanity in general. If you decided to drink to this one you’ll probably be angry while you get smashed. Here’s just a few groups the Casts offend:
- Women: If you wear a low skirt, like to broadcast the fact that you’re a vibrant woman than Zoey is going to brand you a slut. If you look at her the wrong way you’re going to be branded a slut. If she just doesn’t like you…you get the picture. All I have to say is this, grow up!
- Cherokees: I’m like a sixteenth Cherokee or something obscure. While I’m proud of my heritage, I’m not really connected to it like Zoey is. However, I’d say that Zoey takes the very cliche route when it comes to being a descendent of a Native American. I think her only exposure to her culture is through a Cherokee bingo parlor or whatever.
- Oklahomans: My mother is from Oklahoma and hardly ever uses the word ya’ll, does not like going to the rodeo, and does not listen to Kenny Chesney. She has relatives who live in Oklahoma and they are the same. And an Oklahoma accent isn’t that different from a Texan accent. Just saying.
- Conservatives: I might not be a conservative, but I know lots. And their good people. Do we disagree about our values, yes, but they’re usually not evil zealots.
- Religious People: People can believe in God and not be a douche. Seriously, having Zoe’s family and everyone else who believes in some form of religion that is not Casts hybrid Greek mythology/Cherokee/ Wiccan religion is disgusting.
- Men: A man is essentially raped in this book and it’s blown off. Men get raped too. I don’t get why that’s a hard concept to grasp.
- LBGTs: There’s one gay character in this book and we’re constantly told he’s gay to where he’s essentially a token character. I kid you not, there’s even some line in the book where the Casts sort of break the fourth wall and admit it. It’s beyond annoying.
- Vampires: And I thought Twilight bastardized vampires. This book makes me want to read Stephenie Meyer’s take on vampires again. It’s that bad the mythology is so confusing and does not make sense see number six and the Casts actually have the gall to mock Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I kid you not.
4) Take a gulp whenever Zoey gives an ill advised moral lesson: Zoey and her authors are intent on teaching their audience some ill informed lessons here’s just a few:
- Drugs are lame, but don’t be a nark: Look, I get drugs are bad and all. But honestly, the way Zoey talks about it reminds me of a really bad PSA.
- Slut slamming is okay, if the girl’s not your friend: I’ve already talked about this before, but really the amount of girl hate based on appearances in this book is obscene.
- Men can’t get raped: Yeah, the logic here doesn’t need to be discussed anymore.
- Anorexics should be bashed as well as individuals with thin body types: You could get drunk off of these offensive statements alone.
- All religious people are nuts: Maybe if they’re a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, but normally not so much.
- If your name is Zoey Redbird you can do no wrong: Does anyone that’s not deemed “evil” in this book question this girl?
5) Drink an entire glass whenever she talks like an eight year-old (likewise, take a sip whenever Damien demands it necessary to give us a vocabulary lesson): There is an entire chapter devoted to crap, guys. But it’s not called excrement, it’s called poopie. Poopie. How old is Zoey suppose to be again? I guess I shouldn’t be surprise since she uses the words boobies frequently as well. If that’s not bad enough Damien gives us an educational vocabulary lesson every time he appears. Although, it’s not that educational to me since I knew most of these words by the time I graduated from middle school.
6) Drink every time you try to make sense of the Casts vampire mythology and wonder why they decided to use spell vampire vampyre: Was the spelling done differently because it was cute? Seriously, no explanation whatsoever. Guess that makes sense becuase the mythology in these books is really odd too. I don’t understand the vampire origin other than it involves the goddess Nyx (a Greek goddess) and the Cherokee people. Oh, and somehow the Amazons are involved as well. And why do some fledglings die and do vampires (I meant vampyres live forever)? I’m sorry these vampires are not vampires, they’re Captain Planet wannabes meant Charmed wannabes.
7) Swallow anytime you question the love interests: The love interests are just horrible in this book. We have many people loving Zoey-it only gets worse as the series progresses. But the first book focuses on these two idiots
- Erik Night: Think of a guy who’s super hot and has the personality of a dead fish. He likes Zoey for no explained reason and they share about as much chemistry as Bethany and Xavier Woods. On the bright side, I did prefer him to Heath, but then again that’s not saying much. What really amazes me though, is that the Cast women fought so much about this love triangle that they eventually resolved it by introducing a new douche in the series. Honestly, from what I’ve seen I don’t know why anyone who’d pick Heath.
- Heath: This guy reminds me of some loser you’d see on Sixteen and Pregnant the deadbeat you know whose going to abandon his child. He pops in occasionally just to tell Zoey she’s hot before staring at someone’s “boobies”. Though apparently Zoey might’ve imprinted on him.
8) Drink every time you question the logic in these books: Seriously, this series doesn’t make sense. Here are some things I randomly wondered when reading it.
- How is the House of Night getting it’s money. Tuition isn’t paid
- Why is someone marked a vampyre? If they weren’t marked wouldn’t they be normal.
- Vampyres they’re not vampires. Why are we even putting them in the same category was this just done for marketing purposes?
- Why does everyone love Zoey she’s a bitch?
- How many out of body experiences can one have?
- Do these teachers even teach?
- And why hasn’t any of these parents sued the school yet for their kids dying?
9) Take a swallow every time you think about how this book got optioned and for that matter wonder who is cool enough to play Zoey Redbird: A movie of this filth is suppose to be released Let’s hope it’s in development hell. Because this film would be worse than Twilight and there would be at least five of them.
10) Take a chug every time you wonder if this is some published version of My Immortal: If you read the infamous Harry Potter fan fic you’ll find some glaring similarities to Zoey Redbird and Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way (the MC Mary Sue of the fan fic). Let’s look at a few
- They both are vampires
- They both go to boarding school and have a lack of respect for authority figures
- Both are in love with two boys and have awkward make out sessions
- They both like Count Chocola and think it’s ironic because they’re vampires (hee hee hee)
- They both are extremely judging and make assumptions about each and every character
- They are loved by everyone
- And everyone who doesn’t love them is a prep
And so ends this installment of the House of Night drinking game. Next month, or in a couple of weeks depending on how glutton for punishment I am and the library’s reservation list, I’ll read Betrayed. The title alone is worth drinking too.