You just wish you had a fucking butterfly tattoo like me.
Before my blog is taken over by a Neanderthal: I received a copy of Walking Disaster via Netgalley in exchange for an honest opinion. Also, I am not Jaime McGuire and do not own her characters. I am mainly using Travis Maddox (a.k.a. The Neanderthal) to review her book and do not claim any rights to him.
It’s me Travis Maddox. Anyone wanna be bagged?
Really? Don’t you know who I am?
A song, you want a song?
Well, this one’s sort of like me. Wrong name, but essentially it’s me.
Of course I’m hotter and have a cooler name, but what do I say….
So, I have a book I wrote (Well, Jaime McGuire technically wrote-she’s my homegirl) about how I met Pigeon and, well, got her bagged and tagged-lol, that rhymes. I’m so smart. And this girl, MJ, she was going to write this heinous review about what a misogynic son of a bitch I am (what’s misogynic, btw), but I was like, girl you can’t do that the Mrs. Maddox fan girls will kill ya (because even though she’s a bitch I don’t want her to die) and I took over the review. Which is fine because I know you all love me.
And even if you don’t, I deserve a happy ending. We all are sinners? Grant it, most of you don’t have the balls to be as awesome as me.
I honestly don’t get why freaks like, MJ, have a problem with me. I am a Zac Efron look a like. I’m the big cheese on campus. I am Travis Fucking Maddox.
And I don’t get why she says that fuck is not a literary device. It really makes the reading experience unique as of the three pages of text speak. MJ, girl, this is the modern world. Proper grammar is not necessary. You’re just a stick in the mud. You’re not like Pidge.
You keep talking about self respect. Why do you need self respect when you’re with me. Look at Pidge, we’re happy and she has no self respect. She also agrees with me that I have complete control over her fashion choices. That sweatshirt and track pants combo you’re wearing right now, MJ, it’s appropriate though those track pants might show just a tad bit much skin. You should consider wearing…hey, what was that.
Okay, now that I have that bitch’s pepper spray out of my eyes (thanks MJ, you know you could’ve done me some real damage there) I’ll continue with what I was talking about…bitches don’t need self respect. You just need a man. School is also a joke. Seriously, if I can go walking around scream at the top of my lungs on campus throw a few chairs and not get security called on my ass it just shows what a joke school is.
MJ just made a comment about what a joke of a book this was.
It wasn’t, MJ. Stuff happened. Like the fact we randomly went to Vegas. That was cool wasn’t it.
And don’t get on my homegirl’s ass about how it doesn’t have any role to the rest of the book. It totally did. Did you read the f you epilogue (seriously, that last line Jaime, way to put the haters in their place).
That epilogue was, well, epic. It showed how everything tied together. And yeah, I know me as an FBI agent I’m even surprised I’d decide to do something mainstream but I’m a bad ass….so. And my kids. You see how awesome they are they already have their daddy’s spirit-man, I was so proud when little Maddox got his first assault charge. We have the mugshots framed in our house. Though Pidge wasn’t exactly enthralled, but she’s a woman her opinion is well…inconsequential.
Also, I want to talk about all that woman’s lib stuff your bitching about. Like slut slamming. It’s not my fault you bitches are so obsessed with the state of who’ve you’ve bagged. Don’t you get once you’ve lost your v card you’re all sluts. And you’re not like me, you’re not a guy who admits he likes to fool around so that makes it all okay,better than that ass Parker, who is secretly a man whore IMO. All of you are just sluts.
Except for Pidge.
She’s a special slut.
And now you’re asking me why I’m calling her Pidge…shrugs, because I want too. And I’ve seen Lady and the Tramp twenty seven times in my youth and had a pet Pigeon and….. and….
Just you’re not cool if you don’t get the pigeon reference.
Just like you’re not cool if you don’t think this is an accurate depiction of co-ed life. MJ says college is less about hook ups and fight club and more about school (ew!) can we say nerd. Seriously, girl, you wasted your college years writing papers, reading Shakespeare, and going to the frozen yogurt place for the heck of it. Oh, and those books. Really, women like to read….
Then again, if they’re reading about me…See bitch, I made you love me. And I even have a movie deal that’s in the works. Zac Efron should totally play me if he inks up a little, don’t ya think? And I’m even working on a title song “Hair of a Porn Star, Face of an Angel”, you wanna hear a little. Okay, well, imagine sort of an uplifting country song:
She had the face of an angel
Hair of a Porn Star
I wanted to bag her
She wanted to bag me
She played hard to get
I told her to stop that shit
She wore a mini skirt
I told her to cover her ass
Face of an angel
Hair of a porn star
You wanted to bag her
She wanted to bag you
A perfect romance
If she covered her ass
Face of an Angel
Hair of a porn star
You wanted to bag her
She wanted to bag you….
See, it’s going to be amazing. And if it isn’t, well, I’m Travis Fucking Maddox, bitch.
MJ’s Note: Obviously, this is one of those books that gets only one star from me. Because I can’t stand Travis and all of the other misogynic messages McGuire’s preaching.