Top Ten Lists: Bad Movie and Book Comparisons

I talk about bad books all the time-well, a good chunk of the time.  And to be honest I sort of like bad books (sometimes)  so I decided today to talk about some of my least favorite movies and compare them to some really bad YA books.  Note, some of these movies are good to watch for a laugh and some of them are just painful just like these books:

10) Pocahontas: A.K.A. the movie that destroyed the Disney renaissance.  This movie is just bland and it rapes history.  Really, Disney should not do movies that are historical based.  They should stick to fairytales.  And there are plenty of Native American legends and folk tales that they could’ve used if they wanted to do a story that feature Native American culture.  What about all those Tommy Depaola books that were coming out during that time?  There were a couple that featured Native American legends that could’ve been adaptable to a Disney movie.  Or that Cinderella retelling that was told as a Native American legend.  Those would’ve been awesome adaptions.  But instead, we get John Smith (who had a seedy reputation-and probably could’ve been a subject of a Blackadder sketch’s story).  Um, no Disney.  No.  And the songs aren’t even that great “Savages” just repeats itself over and over again…and yeah, I have issues with this movie.

YA Comparison: The Raie’Chaelia by Melissa Douthit: Like Disney, Douthit didn’t do any research whatsoever.  And takes concepts of history and twists them ever so slightly and ever so wrong to support a rather flimsy story.  She even messes with geography like Disney does, i.e. there are no cliffs in Virginia.

9) My Best Friend’s Wedding: This isn’t a terrible movie, but I really don’t like it.  Julia Roberts’ character is annoying.  The ending is disappointing. And the plot was really just sort of stupid and pointless.  I just don’t like this movie.

YA Comparison: Any YA book with slut slamming (I really need to make a list of the top offenders of that trope).

8) Cats and Dogs: Talking animal movies. Strike one.  Talking animal movies with crude humor.  Strike two.  Talking animal movies with crude humor and Beagles as international spies…. Run.  Far, far away.

YA Comparison: Mind Games by Kiersten White or one of those books where you’re like, WTF is going on.  Seriously, I don’t understand half of the plot in this movie.

7) A Gnome Named Gnorm: I found out about this movie, via Conan O’Brian.  I didn’t believe it existed.  But low and behold I found it on Youtube and God…God…who signs off on these things?  If this can be made into a movie then anyone who is halfway literate and has an idea can sell a screenplay.  What’s it about-this mole person or gerbil (I’m not sure which, though they call it a gnome) comes to Earth after a gnome gemstone is stolen and helps a cop get it back.

 
YA Comparison: Starseed by Liz Gruder.  This book is about aliens and this girl that’s an alien who wears trash bags to protect herself.  And the aliens wear silver spandex bodysuits to school (well, spandex overalls) and that’s just perfectly normal….can’t make that one up either.

6) Ella Enchanted: WTF was that, movie?  This was one of my favorite books in my childhood and you…you..you butchered it completely.  Why did you insist on turning it into a live action Shrek.  There’s only one Shrek and it’s only funny with the original cast-case in point that failed Broadway show.  And you had Annie Hathaway sing in it pre-voice lessons.  At least Char was kind of hot, but dear lord.  I haven’t been able to touch a Gail Carson Levine book since and that’s a shame.

YA Comparisons: Books that ruin classics.  There’s a lot of them out there these days.  From Jane Austen to Charlotte Bronte it’s easy enough to find a YA book that fucks up the original work in a humorous way.  Of course they try to use the words “loosely” based to cover up the case they shitted on the original work.

5) Batman and Robin: Oh, God.  This is like reverting to the campy 1960’s version of Batman which is really inappropriate considering the fact that we had this…

You had this line and then you decided to have Batman have a whiney sidekick, a bat credit card, and  villains that looked like they were on Disney on Ice.  How does that even…..

They had to reboot the series because of this.  That means, Warner Brothers had to stop and reformat one of it’s cash cows.  That’s how bad this one is.  But you know what, I can’t help but stare at it whenever it’s on TV.  Because it’s that bad.  And really it makes you wonder about George Clooney and what he was on during this film.

YA Comparison: Without a doubt the Goddess Test series by Aimee Carter.  This was a series that started strong and ended…well, like Batman and Robin.  It was just a train wreck you couldn’t help but stare at.  You were just sad because there was potential and it failed.

4) Shiloh: This movie is the original movie about bestiality.  I had to have it as a kid though because it had Beagles in it. And I’ve always had Beagles.  So if there was anything with a Beagle in it I wanted to watch it.  However, in this movie all we see is the relationship between Marty and his dog, Shiloh.  And honestly, it’s a little bit frightening.  Oh, it also doesn’t help matters that Marty’s parents never do the responsible thing, i.e. calling the Humane Society on Jude.  Instead, they’re just like a man can do whatever the hell he wants to his dog including hitting it.  Nice message, Marty’s parents.  Nice message.

Random Beagle picture.
 
YA Comparison: Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater .  Obviously.  There’s loving your pets and then there’s loving your pets.  Both of these fall in the latter category.

3) Return of Jafar: This was a horrible sequel to probably one of my favorite Disney movies-okay, it’s a little better than Belle’s Enchanted Christmas which just bastardized my favorite Disney movie ever.  But The Return of Jafar was the first of these God awful Disney sequels that raped our childhood while filling Disney’s piggy bank.  I really don’t see the point of this movie other than to spawn the other Aladdin sequel and TV series.  And really, was it necessary to have Gilbert Gottfried (Iago) sing, twice.  Seriously, wasn’t once enough!

 
YA Comparison: Well, there’s actually lots of comparisons here.  Most of those books that don’t need a sequel would count in this category.  Most notably, I think of Cassandra Clare’s never ending Shadow Hunter series here.  Is she going to get a Shadow Hunter Vault much like the Disney Vault where you’ll only be able to purchase City of Bones Diamond addition for one month every twelve years and then bump the price up to forty dollars via Ebay or whatever?

2) The whole freaking Twilight Saga: You knew this one was going to get on the list.  I don’t know why people like this series.  I only turn it on when I need to get to sleep.  Kristin Stewart’s voice is so monotone it always does this trick.  And the edgy cinematography just doesn’t work.  Not to mention the storyline which is so archaic and…

YA Comparison: The Twilight Saga, obviously.  It’s interesting to try to find which version of Bella is more annoying (Movie-verse because of Stewart’s voice)

1) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: I fucking hate this movie.  Some people say it’s an okay sequel.  But it shouldn’t exist.  Forget the Star Wars prequels this is the biggest sin on fans that George Lucas has ever created.  Okay, grant it I ignored the Star Wars prequels like the plague. But this was supposed to be Indiana Jones.  But you know what, nope, the movie was mostly focused on that kid from Even Stevens and he still can’t act.  It also doesn’t help that Indy keeps talking about how old he is-yes, Indy we get you have AARP membership but you don’t have to tell us every other second.  You’re Harrison Ford you’re supposed to be bad ass and…and…that fucking refrigerator scene and the aliens.  How could Spielberg let Lucas do this?  Oh, wait, Spielberg is soulless too, see The Lost World.
YA Comparison: The Gates of Paradise by Melissa de la Cruz.  I didn’t even have to think about this one.  This book essentially raped Blue Blood cannon and a lot of  the characters were shells of their formal selves.  I’ve read Blue Blood fan fic that has more continuity than this book does.  It was just a real disappointment and I still haven’t recovered much like the kids on South Park never recovered from Indy 4.

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2 thoughts on “Top Ten Lists: Bad Movie and Book Comparisons

  1. Years of suffering for your pleasure, I guess 😉 Honestly, I got the idea for this post the other day and saw all the direct to DVD Disney releases my parents had bought when I was younger-and yes, we own Return of Jafar and the King of Thieves movie, and the Enchanted Christmas (frightening, I know).

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