Note: the following scenario is fiction and is used to illustrate my absolute hatred for the House of Night series. Note, I am not actually a teacher and have not actually substituted for PC Cast. I am merely using the classroom setting to illustrate my disdain for this piece of shit.
Somewhere in Oklahoma
MJ: Good morning class. You’re teacher Mrs. Cast isn’t available so I’ll be teaching you guys today. It says you were talking about Tempted?
Brown Noser: Yes, Tempted. Its Ms. Cast newest and greatest book that she wrote with her daughter, Kristin.
MJ: Oh, hell no. Your teacher isn’t PC Cast of House of Night fame.
Random Kid 1: That would be the one.
Brown Noser: Are you okay Ms. J?
MJ: You’ve been taught by PC Cast, I thought it was only a myth in the YA world that she’s a teacher.
Brown Noser: Oh, no. She’s our teacher. And she’s really great. We talk about the House of Night series all the time. It’s an educational experience.
MJ raises an eyebrow.
Brown Noser: It really is. And if we’re really good we become a self insert character in the book. Like, I’m one of the red fledglings.
MJ: There’s a Red Fledgling named Brown Noser?
MJ: Do you think I’m actually going to remember your name? I’m only a sub. And regardless, why would anyone want to be associated with those books. I use them to get drunk.
Brown Noser: You can’t get drunk from House of Night. It’s a literary classic.
MJ: Okay, fine. I’m all ears on how not to get drunk on what’s this one called again…
Bored Kid: Tempted. Though there’s no sex in it. They talk about the importance of not losing your V Card to a slut.
MJ: Then no one must do it with Zoey.
Brown Noser: Hey, Zoey isn’t a slut. She’s a self assured woman. Having six boyfriends does not make you a slut. That Z put Erik in his place. Ms. Cast calls Zoey a feminist.
MJ: Why can’t I get drunk on the job?
Brown Noser: You want some brown pop I’m sure….
MJ: Okay, so you learned it’s okay for Zoey to cheat on Prince Eric because she’s a feminist. But if a guy cheats on her…
Random Student 2: Then he’s a man ho. I tried asking Mrs. Cast what the difference is and she says that’s feminism.
MJ: No, no. No. Feminism is about equality for women. That you can…you know what….let’s watch a documentary on Susan B Anthony or maybe watch that clip on Entertainment Tonight about Hillary Clinton and the evolution of pant suits. Okay? And after that let’s talk about feminism.
Brown Noser: We’re supposed to watch movies in class. Mrs. Cast says they rot your brain. Besides, we finished talking about feminism a long time ago. Now we’re talking about cultures.
MJ: Oh, this should be good. Let me guess more bull shit about the Cherokee culture.
Bored Student: Pretty much. We’ve learned how to say daughter in Cherokee probably every other day in class. Oh, and we talk about the legend of A-ya a lot. It’s actually real
, believe it or not. I honestly thought Ms. Cast got that off of Wonder Woman. But I Googled it and it’s actually based off of a real legend. She does do some research. Some being the operative word.
MJ: Like the fact that somehow she incorporates Greek mythology
into it and it’s not rationalized.
Brown Noser: That’s not true. She did provide an explanation remember when that Nyx and the Virgin Mary are the same person and…
MJ: What? What?
Brown Noser: I was saying that….
MJ: I heard you Nyx and Mary are NOT the same person. The Virgin Mary is Christ’s mother she’s not the personification of night.
Brown Noser: Well, in the book the nuns hinted that since Catholics worship Mary….
MJ: I am Catholic. We do not worship Mary
. We only worship God. Just God. Mary is Jesus’s mother. She holds an important place in the church but she is not a deity.
Brown Noser: But Ms. Cast said.
MJ: Fuck Mrs. Cast. She probably did most of her research on Catholics from The Sound of Music.
Student Three: You need to put a word in the swear jar. Ms. Cast only allows us to use the word bullpoopie and that’s in extreme circumstances. Once I said asshat in class and she didn’t know what that meant.
MJ: Isn’t the meaning sort of obvious? Does she even use context clues? Or for that matter watch South Park?
Student Two: What’s context clues?
MJ: Haven’t you learned anything about writing?
Brown Noser: We learned a lot about writing. Ms. Cast wrote tempted in multiple POV and in first and thrid person. They did it so that we could see different types of writing.
MJ: It was an incoherent mess though. They can barely write first person so why did they think third was going to be much better. In fact it was even worse if that’s even possible.
Brown Noser: I liked the other POV. I liked how the Casts used the word “dang” to designate Stevie Rae’s POV. And both Heath and Stark…
MJ: Sounded the same.
Bored Kid nods head.
MJ: Okay, so it seems like the only thing you sort of learned from Tempted was Cherokee legends and they were butchered. And you guys all do your homework so that you can be self insert characters?
Student One: Pretty much. But it’s more educational than Twilight.
MJ: Yes, but Stephenie Meyer wasn’t a teacher. She didn’t state that student/teacher relationships were okay. And that wanting someone to be in a monogamous relationship is being pushy. And that making assumptions about someone’s religion….you know what guys, let’s watch The Avengers. No, wait, she’s dampened that with all her not so subtle innuendoes of how she’s crushing on RDJ. Okay, let’s watch Glee-wait, they referenced that too. How about Oklahoma! Damn it. Let’s just watch a movie the Casts haven’t tainted. How about Roman Holiday?
Brown Noser: Cool, the next House of Night book is taking place in Italy. Well, the end of this one sort of did…but Mrs. Cast said.
MJ: Fine. We’re going to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Because if anyone can kill Zoey Redbird it’s her.