Being Jamie Baker: Kelly Oram

Her hair’s not pink.  And her eyes aren’t green.  Honestly, a photoshopped version of Harley Quinn with green hair would’ve been more appropriate. 

TO: Any Legitimate Superhero Organization in the world and other worlds in their respected universes

FROM: A Concerned Citizen
SUBJECT: Jamie Baker (alias Ice Queen, The Most Beautiful Girl in the School)
To Whom It May Concern:
It has come to my attention that there is this girl named Jamie Baker who thinks she is a superhero.  She’s not.
Despite the fact that she’ll tell you she’s a superhero forty thousand times and has super powers.
Yes, I know most of you have superpowers, but it’s not a requirement to be a superhero, right?  I mean, if you have enough money to build yourself a suit of armor or spend years in the Himalayas or wherever to become a super stealth martial artist who has a black belt in everything you can become a superhero too.  And a lot of people who have powers aren’t even superheroes, just ask Bella Swan whose too busy screwing her daughter’s boyfriend to actually use her superpowers (Yeah, we al know that that’s what’s going to happen if another Twilight book is ever written.  And yes, it would be the nastiest love triangle ever).
It’s how you utilize your gifts.  And what does Ms. Jamie Baker do all day….mope, mope, and well….mope.
Her parents really might’ve had a point about that job thing, but besides that I really think they were out of line.  Maybe that’s another reason I don’t think she should be allowed to join your organization because her parents are raising her to be a horrible person.  Not only do they tell her its bad to read.  Yes, its bad to read.  Reading is evil. Well…that really shouldn’t be a surprise to me after all there was Bookworm that one Batman character…hey, does that make me a super villain?
Sorry for the digression.
But yes, reading is evil.  That goes everything against what Reading Rainbow taught me as a child.  Jamie’s parents though, would probably block that program for their cable plan.  They also want her to have a boyfriend with this guy who keeps harassing her.  Though he doesn’t seem to think its harassing he seems to think he’s cracking through her ice queen exterior.
No respect for personal boundaries that Ryass  (otherwise known as Ryan).  I really suggest you send a representative or two to teach him respect for the word “no” (might I recommend Black Widow and Wonder Woman).  Though Jamie’s parents found his stalking cute and tried to pimp her out constantly and then when she reject her they got mad at her before yelling at her for liking books about aliens and superheroes.  Note, run a check through on these parents.  I am concerned that they might be a member of Hydra or the Injustice League.  Perhaps, do a cross reference search?
You know, if they were supervillians that would actually be a better explanation for Jamie’s origin that the one we got.  Electricity mixing with fertilizer which apparently causes superpowers that would make Superman look like a wimp to develop, as well as green hair and yellow eyes (but she has no smile permanently inscribed on her face-darn that, I was about to have some interesting theories about her true paternity).
Wait, that sort of reminds me of Poison Ivy’s origins in that shiteous Batman movie or that Nickelodeon show that I used to watch at my grandparents’ house in the 90’s where this girl got hit with chemicals from a truck and had superpowers….why can’t I remember the name of that show?
The point is Jamie’s whole origin story seems flimsy at best.  Even the New 52 version of Catwoman’s origin makes more sense and we all know how bad that origin story is (just hoping praying we get a reboot on it soon, then again Selina has gotten the raw end of the stick several times throughout comic history).
I’d actually sort of feel sorry for this Jamie girl if she wasn’t a bitch.  I’d hate it it if I was model gorgeous, all the boys wanted to kiss me, and everyone called me an ice queen because I don’t want to party like it’s 1999.

She’s insufferable.   I understand that teens are emotional being by the fact their brains are not totally developed, but can we be a little bit more self absorbed?  Or for that matter can we be a little bit more rational in our feelings.  I was enjoying the fact that Jamie wasn’t receptive to Ryass’s pressure filled I want you to wuv me because you’re the hottest girl in school routine until suddenly out of the blue she realizes she does have feelings and throws a huge temper tantrum.

I kid you not.  It still doesn’t make sense to me.

I honestly gave up at a certain point trying to find out more intel about Jamie.  I think it’s because of this and parts of her story just don’t add up.  Like having the police questioning a minor without an adult present.  Or threatening to arrest her when a) there’s no probable cause, b) no warrant, c) and there’s no reason for her to be arrested on grounds for a warrantless arrest.  Hey, Oram, police aren’t corrupt and stupid.  They wouldn’t even  think about arresting her like this because of a little doctrine called fruit of the poisoness tree (watch Law and Order).



Her story arc also is pretty much a mess too.  In 199 pages, there’s only one quasi creepy guy around her and it’s not like he’s a supervilian.  He just calls her by her full name-Jaimelynn- which makes me think of Britney Spears younger sister who got knocked up at sixteen and that’s not creepy at all….

So yeah, despite her so called superpowers I really can’t recommend this girl for your various superhero organization.  She’ll ruin you guys.  She’s more broody than Batman, more egotistical than Ironman, she makes Captain America’s fighting skills san super solider serum look incredible, and she might just be related to the Joker (green hair).

I hope you take these thoughts into consideration,

MJ

Book Blogger and Concerned Citizen

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