The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Burned by PC and Kristin Cast

I have no words about how corny and stupid this looks.
 

At this point, I can’t even make a decent drinking game for these books because they’ve just gotten so bad and incoherent.  So if you want to get drunk off of this one (which I’m sure you do) just get drunk anytime you’re wondering what the hell is going on.  It’s that simple.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about Burned the seventh shitty installment of the hideous House of Night series.

Oh, and if you want to know what the rating is no freaking stars.  Because I had to go on Wikipedia and review several reviews to get a sense of what was going on and I took Civil freaking Procedure.  The concept of personal jurisdiction makes more sense than this shit.

So what’s the plot: Take any shitty (and yes, that seems to be the word of choice  for this review) supernatural show that you’d see on the WB/CW where the TSTL main character goes into limbo and learns that she has to move on and you have this book.  Oh, also throw in some culturally offensive Scottish versions of Amazons and add in some side plot with Stevie Rae that no one gives a fuck about and that’s the whole book.  If you want a less profanity induced summary that is more coherent here’s a link to the Wiki Page.

Alright, the rest of this installment to this feature is going to be mostly focused on the writing itself.  I might talk about some spoilers-regarding the world building- but it will be vague at best because even with the Wiki summary I’m still not sure what I read.

I think this was in part because of the random POV changes, the fusion of mythologies that made no freaking sense, and the fact that this whole book just seemed to lack structure.

After reading about six of these books, I thought I knew what to expect.  Shitty recap chapter with shitty stereotype characters introducing themselves as their respected characters.  You follow that by our asshole protagonist (a.k.a. Zoey Montgomery-that’s her legal name and I’m sticking to it) having some life crisis that usually involves a boy.  We then find out she has six million guys interested in her and the evil teacher is after her for no reason.  Stupid dialogue goes on for about four hundred pages (okay really two hundred) and then some Captain Planet shit goes down before we get a stupid ass cliffie before the book ends.

This book is…..well, different.

You’d think that’s a good thing.  Because these books are in desperate need of some originality, but no. The Casts version of originality is a scary place on Earth.

Honestly, it was a dumb mistake in the first place to put Zoey in limbo.  I hate that trope.  I really do.  Maybe it’s because I’ve watched too many WB/CW shows or daytime soaps but these scenes always come off as contrived and just plain stupid.  They’re pointless.  You know that the characters will always come back from the brink of death because the TV show has to continue and on soaps you’ll usually know a month or two before hand whether or not the actor is going to leave or not.  And in this case, we know that there are going to be twenty more of these things coming out so Zoey is going to live much to my displeasure.

So the whole plot of this book.

Pointless and stupid.

And if you were a die hard fan of this shit (and there are some people out there who enjoy these books believe it or not) then you’re going to be even more confused with what’s going on with the eighth installment because you had to wait twice as long to get your cliffhangers resolved.

Oh, well, Zoey will probably be obsessing about another boy.  And they’ll probably throw in Egyptian or Norse mythology just to fuck up everything a little bit more and rape another one of the world’s religions for a good measure.

Okay, that wasn’t the best transition sentence, but I have to talked about the f-ed up mythology in this series.  Its something you just can’t avoid.  I’m all for fusion when it comes to mythologies, but you have to have some reasons for the fusion and you have to explain how they collide instead of randomly throwing them together.  In the House of Night they practically throw every religion and mythology you can think about and more often than not they get things wrong about said religion.  Like, for instance, the Casts think Catholics worship Mary and view her as a deity.  WTF!?!?!?!?!

Yes, the Virgin Mary is a prominent figure in the Catholic religion, but she’s not viewed as a deity.  She’s simply the mother of Christ.  Honestly, I really get annoyed with this when writers do this because its just pure ignorance and laziness.  If you Google it you’ll find plenty of Catholic websites that will tell you that the religion does not worship the mother of God.  Its not rocket science.  Plus, if you talk to a Catholic (and yes, they do exist in Oklahoma) I’m sure they’ll tell you this.

Sigh…..

It’s not only the Catholic religion that gets a bashing its any other religion and for that matter culture as well.  Another of the recipients: Scotland.

The portrayal of Scotland in this book, sort of cement my theory  that the Casts are the reason that most people hate America and….well, that they were behind My Immortal (the hilariously bad Harry Potter fan fic).  Not only do the Casts decide that they are going to show us how the Scottish talk by writing some interesting dialect that I’m pretty sure is only spoken my illiterate trolls on World of Warcraft, but there’s also a rift off of Wonder Woman’s home country of Themycira except these Amazons live on the Isle of Skye (somehow I don’t think battle armor’s going to be comfortable there).  Oh, add in a line by Iron Man (better know as the fourth love interest, Stark) “because I love her” you’ll be having some rather interesting fan fic flashbacks throughout this.

Oh, Tara Gillesbie, it’s nice to see you did succeed in life.

It’s sort of sad that I find so many comparisons with that fan fic to this series but they keep popping up. And while at first made these references purely in jest, now I am actually starting to wonder especially after I read this installment.

Its not just the ridiculous plot, stupid characters, and dumb ass world building that make this particular installment unbearable, its the multiple changes in POV  with massive info dumps that made my head explode.  I actually commented, in one of my status updates, that I thought this wasn’t the final version. Okay, I know it is the final version of the book.  It’s been out for a few  years now, but it reads like an outline or  a draft.  I almost wonder if one of the Casts got to caught up in real life if they just cut and paste their notes onto whatever version of the story they were sending to their editor.  And their editor had other stuff to deal with (like eating Twinkies) that this got a pass.  That’s sort of what I think happened.  It is the only scenario that makes any sense because honestly this just seemed so half assed.

Yum, deep fried Twinkies.  They’d distract me from editing the Casts’ stupid book too.

Yes, I get you can successfully use different POVs in novels, but the fact that the first five volumes of this book were written in first person and the sixth was written mostly in third person.  This is a huge jump.  Maybe it would make more sense if this was a spinoff of the original series.  I could actually understand that and maybe all the blanks I was drawing would make some sense but nope….just nope.

Honestly, if I wasn’t so goal oriented I’d quit doing this to myself already.  I’m not enjoying these books.  They remind me a lot like Full House.  With each progressing installment it gets worse and worse.  I am really interested in people who are fans of these books.  Why do you like them?  Was the seventh installment coherent to you?  Have you read My Immortal and are secretly laughing at the fact that you know who the real Tara Gillesbie is?

Whatever.  You guys know I’m going to read the next one.  And I’ll probably be ranting about it more than I did about this one.  But really if you like these books skip this one, you’re not missing much except stupid limbo scenes and offensive religious and ethnic stereotypes.

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