Everblue: Brenda Pandos

Seriously, I don’t know why everyone must try to copy my hair.

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Disney’s The Little Mermaid or the character, Ariel.  I am merely using the character to satirically review Everblue another book about stupid mermaids.

Are mermaids supposed to be stupid?

I guess it’s sort of my fault.  After all, I was the mermaid that thought a fork was a hairbrush (one of my most embarrassing moments), but whatever.

You shouldn’t stigmatize the entire mermaid genre because one stupid teenage girl believes a seagull over common sense and logic.

That damn bird.

It’s true though.  Mermaids are treated like they’re stupid.  Even the fairytale I’m based off of, you know that non-happily ever after version where the girl doesn’t get the guy turns into sea foam was based on stupidity.  I mean, even I wasn’t that stupid to cut off my tongue for a boy.  No, I just traded my fins for legs.  And while I get that’s changing myself for a man that’s different than cutting your tongue out because growing legs doesn’t hurt (much) and, well, once we broke that seawitch’s necklace I was back to singing “Part of Your World”.

Back to my point though, mermaids in general get bum end of the stick.  Look at that girl that Daryl Hannah played in Splash.  She was a victim of learning English and social customs through television in the 80’s and she still wasn’t smart enough not to get locked up in a quasi Area 51 with Tom Hanks.  And she thought Tom Hanks was cute.

Maybe he was sort of  cute in the 80’s, but when I picture Tom Hanks I think of that guy with the hairplugs in the Da Vinci Code ( a book we all know was written with Dr. Indiana Jones himself in mind, but whatever).

The point is, you’re a mermaid you get screwed in the media.

And that has extended to YA literature as well.  YA has offered an array of mermaid novels.  Most of them being pretty forgettable.  And relying heavily on basically two plots 1) savage mermaid and 2) Disney mermaid.

Both are pretty stupid, but I’m more qualified to talk about Disney mermaid which is the sort of mermaid we’ll be talking about today.  Savage mermaids, I’ll admit can be slightly better than Disney mermaids because usually they lack some of the cliches that make us mermaids seem dumber than we really are.

Not that I’m saying mermaids are dumb because it’s in my belief we’re not.

Everblue is one of the latest of these books to be published in the stupid Disney mermaid genre.  Although, it’s the guy who’s the mer (how original-my dad is a merman and I had a quasi merman boyfriend in my own animated series) it still relies on the Disney mermaid tropes.

What are Disney mer tropes: instant love, magical kiss, mermaid kingdoms that are surprisingly similar to the human world though maybe slightly antiquated, a story mostly powered by one plot device twue love.

Alas, this story lacks a seawitch and isn’t good.

Okay, the lack of the sea witch isn’t where Everblue’s problem lies there is conflict here.  Pandos tries to create a quasi dystopia world amongst the mer people.  Except you really can’t do dystopia world with mermaids because mermaids are too dumb to have dystopia.

Or at least the mermaids the media portrays us as being.

Really, the world reminds me of one of those cults you see on TV.  Save for the multiple wives thing, though I guess they could make an appearance.  Male dominated, full of assholes, and using every cliche including magic kiss bonds.  This world makes me miss my mermaid world which made completely no sense because I couldn’t ever figure out what Ursula was supposed to be.  Is she really my aunt like some Disney studio execs have claimed or just a product of mermaid/octopus relations.

Ew!

Shouldn’t have mentioned that.  I’m sorry.  But I wonder about these sorts of things.  And to be honest, there was more explanation about Ursula than about anything in this world.  I get what Pandos was trying to accomplish  with her male dominated/magic kiss/ king of them all world.  But the dynamics just didn’t make sense.  Why would anyone support this asshole?  Why don’t the mermaids say just screw them,  move on land and build their own artificial ponds or pools if they were in that dire need of water.

Pretty simple, right?

Of course not.  The whole backstory made no sense and while some explanation was provided for it seemed sort of half assed.  And this is coming from someone whose movie is less than ninety minutes long.

That’s sad people.

And the whole way everything was resolved and then nothing but utter and disgusting insta love for like fifty pages before random conflict arises that calls for a sequel.  GMAFB!  And this is coming from a mermaid who was subjected to two Disney Direct DVD sequels.

Maybe the pacing was one of the reasons this story seemed like a Disney mermaids.  However, it lacked the songs.  And I think that helped my movie.  Here though we just have random chapters where nothing happens the vast majority of the novel.  It doesn’t help that one of the characters is on land and the other is at sea so at times it feels really disjointed.

And I don’t even know why these two characters even wanted to get together.  Besides the magic kiss thing.  I get how a magic kiss can change everything.  Trust me, I had to get kissed in three days to stay human.  But I think a kiss to mermaids is especially significant since we lack other things that humans have. At least that’s the explanation I’ve come up with.  Maybe not the most Rated G explanation you can think of, but it’s seriously the only one that makes sense unless you believe in that true loves kiss garbage that my friend Giselle and the Mouse preaches.  Which I sort of admittedly do, but I’m a Disney character.  I am allowed to think that way.

So yeah, I guess in comparison to my relationship with Eric, Fin and Ash do have some magnificent love story, but they don’t even interact as much as Eric and I did in our movie.  And I was mute in that part of the movie.  So once again, point to me on how much more developed I am as a character.

Or maybe another reason I’m a more developed character, is unlike Ash I’m not afraid to actually stand up to my parents when they’re acting like assholes.  Grant it, Daddy was nowhere near as bad as Ash’s mom even though he did get annoying with his non-human thing.

The sad thing is though,  that this story is fairly typical to what you see in the mermaid genre.  It doesn’t even try to be original.  Which would be okay, if the book wanted to make a spectacular effort at being mediocre but it doesn’t.  It just falls into the meh level of mediocrity.

Which just puts a check on another stupid mermaid book.

The only remarkable thing about this book was that it was free.  I guess overall it didn’t damage the mermaid reputation anymore than its already been damaged, but at the same time it didn’t help repair our relationship either.

Overall Rating: Five out of ten.  Truly average.

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