The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Awakened by PC and Kristin Cast

Don’t even ask who that’s supposed to be.  I don’t know and I don’t care.  And neither should you other than its some poor sap who has to make a living by promoting this shit.

A long time ago, I decided to read all of the House of Night books because I thought it would be an interesting experiment.  I knew I might get annoyed, but I could get drunk and have some shits and giggles.

However, now that I’m on the eighth installment it doesn’t read so much like shits and giggles anymore.  Instead, its really a cry for help for humanity.  I seriously think PC and Kristin Cast are a prima facie case of why the world can’t have nice things.  And this installment of the so called drinking game (though for the safety of you’re liver we can’t actually make it a drinking game anymore) is going to focus on why they’re proud members of the bottom 1% of dumb asses in the world.

1) Normal people would not kill off a character to a song and dance montage-let alone a song and dance montage sung by the cast of Glee.  However, that’s how the Casts decide to kill off a character that essentially has had less airtime than Zoey Redbird’s cat.

A part of me is naive enough to state that the Casts are just uber fans of the show Glee, but then I read shit like this where the Casts bitch about how their shitty series wasn’t given a plug on the show and I’m like not uber fans..more like uber sell outs.
2) The Casts don’t believe that people need to be emotionally ready for sex.  I kid you not.  The characters act like their in second grade with the way they talk about bodies.  Yet the amount of boinking that went on in the first forty pages of the book makes it look like Fifty Shades of Night (a very scary thought, please fan girls do NOT make a crossover based on these two series).
Look, I’m all for YA books where the characters are sexually active relationships.  Its realistic, but don’t have them talking about bodies like their gross if they’re engaging in coitus.  Or if they do, have them mess up because if they can’t talk about intercourse without going ew cooties over it then they don’t need to be having sex.  Seriously, everyone in this book talks like they’re on one of those TGIF sitcoms when it comes to sex and life in general.  And we all know what happened to those child stars after their respected series ended.
3) Being culturally offensive.  Its appalling how many cultures that the Casts have defended.  Even  I know that the Scots don’t talk that way the Casts say they do and the only exposure I’ve had of Scotland is Harry Potter and the Traveling Chanel.  That is sad people.
Though I can tell you, from personal experiences, that no self respecting Okie talks like Stevie Rae.  Most of my mom’s side is from Oklahoma and none of them speak with an accent remotely like Stevie Rae’s, they don’t care for stirrup pants, and none of them (that I know of) engage in bestiality.  Though I’m sure one or two of them does like Kenny Chesney, but hey….no one’s perfect.
4) Fact checking.  Biggest logic fuck up this installment it only takes three hours to fly from Scotland to Oklahoma.  I guess they could be flying the Concorde but it doesn’t exist anymore so there goes that theory.
5) Condescending tone.  Is it just me or do these books in general talk down to their audience?  I swear, if Damien gives me one more vocabulary lesson.  I will hurt him.  I just will.  And yes, I know he is a fictional character but still…Also, speaking of condescending  look at this little article that one of my GR friends let me know about.  Seems like the Casts don’t like people calling them out on their bullshit.  We’ll be talking more about this when I read that particular installment.
6) People still trusting Neferet.  Does she have to nuke them to get them to realize she’s the big bad?  And what’s with her walking around naked everywhere?  For some ritual apparently, but we’re not told why she needs to be naked.  Dr. Evil was better bad guy than this.  And really, why do try to over-sexualize her?  Is it to show us that sex is evil?  Because honestly this character’s sexuality is so comical that I almost read it as a parody on slut slamming.  But after reading eight of your books, Casts, I know you’re not clever enough to do something like that.  More or less you probably think sex is evil and lead very sad lives.  Oh, and you probably still believe that Anthony Weiner is a changed man.
7) Bestiality.  I don’t even have to go into much detail on this.  I don’t care that you transformed Stevie Rae’s animal friend into a human.  It’s still gross. Period.  And if you call me a bigot, I swear I’ll send PETA out on your ass because animals no matter if they can talk to you or not are not our special friends.
8)  Please stop trying to tell us that a character is bad, that a couple shares chemistry, and that I need to kiss Zoey’s ass.  You’d think that this is the first book that Dumb and Dumber has ever published with the amount of telling that goes on.  But nope, this is the eighth installment in this series.  And Cast Snr has published several more books before and I highly suspect Cast JR had a couple of fan fics out there (that’s purely speculation though).  The point is they shouldn’t be relying on the telling crutch.  And we all know that Prince Eric was smart getting away from Zoey and her forty husbands.  If Damien calls him a Douche its his loss.  We all know what really happened, the Casts finally watched The Marvel Universe movies and replaced their Christopher Reeve crush with Robert Downey JR.  Which I guess is respectable, but I am wondering if its going to flip flop now that Man of Steel is out and Henry Cavill is well…let’s just say is SMeyer would’ve got her wish and he would’ve been playing Ed-tart, I could understand why girls would go gaga over him.
9) The fact that the Casts decided to give us Grandma Redbird’s shit a chapter.  Okay, technically its her shitty daughter.  But we’re told how big a POS she is throughout the entire novel that I just decided to go for it.  Grant it, I know I’m being crass but after eight fucking installments of these books I think I have the right to be as rude as I want.  And honestly, why would Zoey’s mother who had minimum screen time and was basically forgotten with the past four or five books be mentioned.  Only to merely   kill off a character that wasn’t Grandma Redbird that’s why.  And man, do I hate Grandma Redbird.  But I’m digressing.  The point is, insignificant characters got a POV.  And why do I care about these insignificant characters?  What point do they serve?
10) As bad as soap operas are, they never bring back unpopular characters because they know it will make the fans upset and they won’t give a shit that some dumb ass who they have no attachment to has come back from the dead.  This is why popular characters are resurrected from the dead multiple times. The Casts however took this advice backwards and resurrected an unpopular character that everyone with half a brain and a grain of self respect hates.
Yes.  Heath is back from the dead.
I know, I want to hurt something too.

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