Goddess: Josephine Angelini



Disclaimer: Obviously, I am not an Olympian.  If I was do you really think I’d be bothered to read YA fiction-Well, maybe.  I would have eternity….but I’d honestly probably be doing something better with my time like touring Antarctica or at least eating some Greek yogurt with John Stamos.

Cue to The Mt. Olympus Book Club: A sound of something exploding is heard. Frame onto a very annoyed looking Athena.

Athena: Did you really have to break that Grecian urn, it was a gift from…it’s been so long I’ve forgotten who made it.

Zeus: Then it is useless, daughter.

Athena: It’s an artifact.  It’s hardly useless.

Apollo: Isn’t it my job to care about the arts?

Athena: Goddess of wisdom here.  History and all that jazz, remember?  Besides we’re getting off topic.  We’re suppose to discuss Goddess our book club selection for the month.

Apollo: I still can’t believe I’ve stepped down so low to become a member of a book club.

Athena: Shut up.  And really, what are you going to do with your time?  Turn another girl into a tree?

Apollo: It was just that one….

Athena: God, you’re almost as bad as Hades.  Scratch that, he’s probably a little bit more sane than you because he only took one girl.

Apollo: She was Zeus’s daughter, our sister/his niece, and he took the Underworld.

Hades: I married her and she’s happy for the six months of the year she doesn’t have to spend with that battle axe.

Athena: She’s your sister and you’re off topic again.  So let’s talk about the book.  It’s obvious that Angelini wants to be with us and has created an ultra super duper Mary Sue.  Really, I don’t know who is more super duper than Helen.  Even Powergirl isn’t as powerful as her and she’s immune to Kryptonite.

Hades: What about Batman?

Athena: Well, obviously not.  He’s Batman.

(The gods nod their heads because everyone knows there’s no one more powerful than Batman even though he’s just a regular man with no superpowers).

Apollo: Well, Batman aside, I really was annoyed with how powerful this girl was and how we’re portrayed.  I’m not a creepy murderer/rapist.  I’m the god of the sun.  And seriously, I don’t kill girls I just turn them into plants.

Hades: Obviously.

Athena: Oh, don’t look smug, uncle.  Even though you were the only one of us spared from being portrayed as a complete jack ass, you and I both know you would’ve just thrown Helen into the River Styx and laughed about it.

Hades: Oh, the River Styx is way too good for her.  I’d probably make her watch Disney’s Hercules  for an eternity.

Athena: Not everyone hates that movie, you know.

Hades: I’m not a bad guy.

Zeus: Exactly the point I’ve been trying to make here (throws thunderbolt and destroys another artifact).

Athena: Father, please. You’re ruining history.

Zeus: I’m immortal. History doesn’t matter.  And I don’t like the fact that the king of the gods is portrayed as the villain.  I might have my moments, but I’m NOT a villain.  I leave that to my wife.

Hera: I’m not a villain either, dear hubby.  I just have to put up with your shit.  Quite frankly, I found the fact that you were portrayed as the bad guy for once refreshing.  Especially after that YA series where I was portrayed as wanting a married Hades.  Seriously, I don’t go for married men.  I am the goddess of marriage. And besides why would I want to be queen of the underworld?  Can you saw, ew?

Athena: This isn’t about you, Hera.

Hera: I read the book though and I’m an Olympian.  Can’t I talk about the book?

Athena: No.  Because you weren’t in it.  Oddly.  I mean, everyone even minor gods, the fates, those stupid Trojans, even King Arthur….

Apollo: God damn it, I never understood how King Arthur was in this book?  Anyone care to share?

Athena: Is your reading comprehension that low, brother?

Apollo: It’s four hundred pages, how am I supposed to pay attention for that long?

Athena: Touche.  Here’s the gist Helen was Guinevere in a past life and the romance to Guinevere and Lancelot was akin to Helen and Paris.  And forget about Guinevere ever having feelings for dear old Arthur.

Apollo: That makes no sense whatsoever.  I know Guinevere cheated on Arthur, but the fact she loved both men was one of the saddest parts about the whole triangle.  Besides the fact that she became a nun at the end of the movie. 

(Athena rolls eyes that her brother only watched the film version of the Arthurian legend, but in America public school’s this is how most people learn about the Arthurian legend.)

Zeus: Can we get back to how I was bastardize?  I mean, seriously, the king of gods gets defeated by a sixteen year old girl that’s obsessed with pumpkins, sandwiches, and is willing to get a sex change for a boy.  That is pathetic.  Who would come up with such a thing?

Athena: Josephine Angelini, apparently.  But we already discussed that.

Zeus: But not how stupid the whole climax was.  Seriously, I’m defeated by a teenage girl.

Athena: And I bowed down to that ignoramus.  Not to mention that Apollo was depicted as a murderer/rapist, Hades was depicted as a Helen fan girl, the vast majority of Olympians are not even mentioned.  The only ones who were depicted as being reasonably decent were Helen of Troy, Paris, and freaking Aphrodite.

Aphrodite: Did someone call my name?

Athena: Oh God, Aphrodite, this is book club. You don’t know how to read.

Aphrodite: I do too.  I know I’m not the goddess of wisdom, Athena, but I’m not stupid.

(Athena sighs and is about to say something, but as the goddess of wisdom she has enough common sense to shut her trap).

Athena: I know you know how to read, sister, but isn’t there a sale at Prada or something you’d rather be going to?

(Aphrodite frowns)

Aphrodite: Um, no.  I’ve actually been reading a lot lately.  I have found some really good books in the PNR YA section.  Some of them have been really inspiring like that series about a teenage vampire with everyone in the world in love with her and that angel who finds true love with a human boy…

Athena: No, wait, you didn’t.

Zeus: She didn’t what?

Athena: Father, use your head.  I know you can, you created me after all.

(It dawns on Zeus what Athena is talking about and a lightening bolt forms from his hand as he turns and glares at Aphrodite).

Aphrodite:  Father, why are you pointing that thing towards me.  Do I really have to get out the power of love?

Zeus: If you power of love me, daughter, you will regret it.  Besides,  that shit doesn’t work when you’re married to Hera.  Now tell me…did you impersonate a human again?

Aphrodite: What are you talking about?

Apollo: Yeah, can someone fill in some blanks?  I’m a bit confused myself.

Athena: Seriously, am I the only one with a brain.  Dear brother, who was the only one of us to not get a dissed on in the books?

Apollo: Um, Hades.

Hades: Um, no I was turend into a Helen fangirl, remember?

Apollo: Oh, yeah.  So I guess, Aphrodite.

Athena: Exactly.  Whose face does Helen have?

Apollo: Aphrodite.

Athena: What is Helen?

Apollo: A Mary Sue who wouldn’t make a good shrubbery.

Athena: Good you’re starting to catch on.  Now, what is a Mary Sue.

Apollo: A self insert…no….no.  You didn’t.

Aphrodite: Did what?  All I did was wrote a book series about what should’ve happened in Troy?  Wrote about a love that was more epic that Jack and Rose, Romeo and Juliet, and Bethany and Xavier. And you can’t defeat me because I have the power of love.  Mwhahahahahahahahhaha!

Athena: Father, she does have a point…the power of love….

Zeus:  I’m not resigning to the power of love.  As I said before, I’m married to Hera.  I don’t believe in the power of love.  There has to be one time where it didn’t win out.

Aphrodite: Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong father.  The power of love wins nothing can destroy it.  It wins in the end.

Zeus: That’s true.  But I can always usurp your power of love.  I summon…..Bella Swan.

Aphrodite: No, not Bella Swan!

Zeus: You left me no choice daughter, I have to make sure you do not usurp me.  Bella Swan and Forks, Washington are your eternity forever.   Now can we please read something decent for next month’s book club?

Overall Rating: I’m giving it a three (shocking I know).  If it wasn’t for the cliches, this one wouldn’t be god awful.  I actually think that Josephine Angelini has some good ideas.  She just goes too far a lot of the time with the cliches and it shows quite badly.  The idea of this series though is good, it’s just predictable and sort of a hot mess.




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2 thoughts on “Goddess: Josephine Angelini

  1. Pingback: It’s Elementary, You’re a Wannabe: The Naturals by Jennifer Lynn Barnes | Howdy YAL!

  2. Pingback: Burn, Baby, Burn:Trial by Fire by Josephine Angelini | Howdy YAL!

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