Tuning In: Witches of East End (Creepy Cardigans)

Guys, this episode was boring.

Really, Lifetime is going to pick up the pace soon because besides Ingrid’s horrible choice in cardigans, there’s not much to talk about.

Okay, there’s some stuff to discuss and I guess I have to give you a decent recap because of that.

So, where did we end off last time, oh yeah, Zombie Jo was writing some ominous looking symbol  that she’ll be doing several times throughout this episode.  It really doesn’t matter what it is because I still haven’t figured out what it is myself.

We start with a faux dream sequence, which I think is probably the shittiest way to start an episode.  After watching twenty-five years of daytime television, I’m pretty apt at spotting these shitty sequences (the giveaway was Freya, who was walking around in her negligee like they were my penguin pajamas)  and really didn’t pay much attention except to get myself some Sprite.

Unfortunately, the rest of the show wasn’t that much better.

Aunt Wendy wants to teach the girls magic, despite Jo’s objections.  You think since both girls have to be at least pushing thirty this would be a non-issue and they could tell their mom to screw it.  But no, we have a whole episode to learn this little life lesson with Wendy teaching magic lessons behind Jo’s back and Jo just being stupid.

Most of the magic lessons are really lame and make me miss the CGI effects from Charmed, even though that was the nineties and you’d think fifteen years later they’d be able to come up with something better.

Whatever though.  After having some lame magic lessons at the river we actually get back to the real drama.

Everyone goes to Freya’s bar because you know everyone drinks and is in dire need of hot wings.  I should mention that the bar is not a biker bar.  It’s surprising, I know, considering how much leather Freya wears when she’s not wearing the lacy Spanx, but I digress.

Drama, of course, occurs at the bar because where else would it take place?  Halliwell Manor?  Probably not since Jo is at home moping after she burned The Book of Shadows.

That’s right.  She burned The Book of Shadows.  So wrong on so many levels. And after that, she just got herself some wine coolers and reminisce  with more creepy flashbacks of the past that aren’t remotely historically accurate-but considering it’s Lifetime  I’ll give it a pass.

Meanwhile, at the bar sad Ingrid is dating Not Andy (the cop that arrested her mother) after he unceremoniously asked her out earlier at the library.  Unlike the book, she automatically said yes.  But I think she’s slightly more pathetic than in the book given the sad teacher-ish cardigan she wears on a date.

Seriously, teacher cardigans on a date.  And a salmon pink cardigan when you’re a redhead.  Not to mention the dress under the sad teacher cardigan looks like something a church lady would wear in the deep South in the 1990’s, but I digress…Really though, is it that hard for Lifetime to shop at Modcloth or Anthropologie.  I did some fashions sets for the characters in this book in the past and none of them were forced to wear Spanx or bad cardigans.

Bad fashion choices aside, the date is a disaster which isn’t surprising since the characters share no chemistry and Not Andy arrested Joanna just last episode.  And I really actually wanted to root for these two.  They look so pretty together, but god when they interact (eek!).  It’s really, really, bad.  Not Andy more or less treats Ingrid like a coworker.  Maybe if she wouldn’t wear salmon colored cardigans….

While Ingrid is making a fool of herself, Freya is getting fawned over by the CW Brothers.  Ian Somerhalder Wannabe (Killian) has gotten a job at the bar which makes sense since he wears leather and has a motorcycle. This causes Freya to go all Piper on the glasses at the bar. Later Dash after showing off his abs in his too tight underwear tells Freya about how Ian cheated with Dash’s old fiancee.  Freya is like…turn off.  Dash, of course, apologizes, but he really can’t emote any emotion so no one cares.

While Freya and Dash are frolicking in bed, Aunt Wendy comforts a drunk Ingrid telling her she’s the best witch ever.  This gives Ingrid the brilliant idea to attempt a spell to fix the spell she cast last week which has dire consequences (it’s going to cause one of these yahoos on this pathetic show to die).  Of course, her brilliant plan fails and she gets corpse hands because of that.  But Aunt Wendy can save the day with some amazing plastic surgery.

Early the next morning or late at night, Jo is making herself a handy dandy hangover fix me up when Zombie Jo comes in. Much like last week’s episode of General Hospital where Mask Anna faces off against Real Anna, we get a hideously coordinated fight which is only resolved when Freya shows up and is able to get her Prue on and throw a knife at Zombie Jo.

Real Jo realizes magic might have a place in their lives after all.  As Corpse Hands Ingrid and Aunt Wendy come in.   And they all get into a big pow wow about how the girls are going to learn magic.  Even though Ingrid is like no more magic for me, but Joanna is like I don’t give a fuck what you think Ingrid and they end up performing some Harry Potter wannabe spell.
We cut to the CW Brothers where Dash (who is actually wearing clothes) tells Killian not to mess with his woman and that he didn’t tell Freya everything.  I just roll my eyes as we then cut and go back to Ingrid and the cop who apologizes and then have the most awkward kiss ever.

I’m serious.  It’s that bad.  I really hate it when a couple that looks so great together fails.  And I’m blaming Ingrid on this one because I’m still mad about her choices in clothes and the fact she’s characterized as a Lifetime Intelligent Woman.

Finally, we cut to a creepy old guy who is apparently behind Zombie Joanna and this week’s boring episode with hideous fashion choices ends.


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