Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own DC or Marvel comics. Really, you’d think I’d be writing a YA blog if I owned either company. No, I’d be doing cameos on The Big Bang Theory and be firing whoever thought it was a good idea to recon Catwoman’s origin story into a twisted version of what you see on Batman Returns.
Arkham Asylum Conference Room: The room is filled with many superheroes and villains and no the world hasn’t been taken over by some big bad evil where they have to team up. It’s the monthly annual book club that many people believe will rehabilitate these so called evil people. Obviously, they have not heard about how YA books can drive someone insane. At least until now….
Batman: Well, because that ass Bruce Wayne believes that you morons can be rehabilitated and since that idiot, Superman, decided that it would be good if the LJ did some community service….really, Superman, really….we’re having our first book club meeting. And somehow I’ve been elected moderator.
Iron Man: It’s because of your pleasant disposition.
Batman: Shut up, Stark. You’re not even a member of the League.
Iron Man: Well, Fury, didn’t like the fact that the Avengers were left out. Besides, you have some of ours here so we had to be here.
Batman: Shut up, Stark.
Iron Man: I don’t have to shut up. I’m a genius billionaire philanthropist and what are you…
Batman: Unlike, some people I have enough common sense to keep my identity hidden. You know what, maybe you should moderate this book club review, Stark. People say this sad excuse of a heroine is based off of me. But you want to know what, she’s selfish. Just like you.
Iron Man: Oh, really, I’m selfish. I get so sick of people telling me that. You know, if I really was as selfish as people make me out to be I’d be selling my tech to the highest bidder.
Batman: You were.
Wonder Woman (sighs): Batman, ignore him. The book….we need to talk about the book. It’s supposed to rehabilitate them.
Joker: I have a question?
Batman: I don’t want to hear your question, it’s something that will obviously annoy me.
Joker: But Batsy, this is book club. We’re supposed to ask questions. Discuss the book. By the way, you look nice in a tutu.
Batman grumbles about having a no kill rule.
Joker: But you didn’t have a no kill rule in the book.
Iron Man: Seriously, a no kill rule. Obviously, you have never met Loki. You’d want to kill Loki. But you can’t because he’s a god. Well, says he’s a god. I still think there’s some other explanation to that. I mean, really, gods in Manhattan.
Wonder Woman: I’m a god. Well, products of gods. Depending on what origin story you believe.
Iron Man: Of course, you are. But speaking of origin stories. Let’s talk about Anthem, God what a stupid name–seriously, Anthem that’s like naming your kid… I don’t know, Ballad.
Wonder Woman: Ballad?
Iron Man: First thing that came into my head, it’s a stupid name. Even the name Jarvis serves some purpose.
Jarvis: Excuse me, sir, but I am just a butler.
Iron Man: In the comics. In the movie you’re just a really very intelligent system. But the name, Anthem, no purpose. At all. And god, $250K is difficult for her to get. Obviously, she’s not that rich.
Batman: She’s rich. She has a driver and her mother owns a fifty thousand dollar necklace, you numbskull.
Iron Man: Well, not Stark rich. And she lacks Stark guts too. I mean, I wouldn’t let myself be blackmailed. I’d just blow something up. Case in point, Afghanistan.
Batman: And you cost lives.
Iron Man: Oh, it’s always about lives for you. You know, if you got off of that no kill high horse, you’d probably would be making a lot of progress.
Batman: Really, did Anthem make any progress despite killing two people? No. She’s no better than them.
Iron Man: She saved the town from those people, that’s something, I think.
Wonder Woman: I actually agree with Batman on this the League has a no kill policy. Anthem killing those victims that way destroyed any chance they have for redemption.
Catwoman: Redemption is really over rated. Most of us don’t reform. I’m an exception and that’s only most of the time.
Batman: Some of the time.
Catwoman: Oh, don’t get your bat briefs all twisted up. You know, you like me when I’m playing for Team Good.
Iron Man: Are they a thing, really?
Batman: No. We’re not a thing. I don’t do relationships. I fight for justice. Just like Anthem should’ve been doing, but her head was caught up way too much in personal matters. Just like you, Stark.
Iron Man: Really? I’m not that self absorbed. I’m self absorbed, but even I have my limits. Like, I would actually have a plan or have some big weapon ready before I decided to barge into some villain’s lair.
Iron Man: What? I totally was able to put you into confinement, Goat head.
Loki: Goat head, really original, Stark.
Iron Man: What do I say I try?
Batman: That was sarcasm, you moron. Really, I’m shocked they say that Anthem was based on me. She acts more like you when it comes to being an immature ass.
Loki: Somehow that comment makes me hate you less.
A bat glare was sent to Loki.
Joker: Oh, boy, you got a bat glare. Evil team up?
Loki: I don’t team up with mortals. Especially mortals with green hair. Really, I don’t understand the point of this book. The villain really isn’t that well formed. I think people who watch obsessive amounts of daytime television should be able to figure out the plot.
Iron Man: Oh, so it was because of Days of Our Lives that I figured out that Gavin was alive so fast.
Wonder Woman: You watch Days?
Iron Man: So, what if I do? I have to have something to talk to Pepper about besides the company. Besides, I like Sammi and EJ.
Wonder Woman: I love Days.
Iron Man: And yet another reason to like you, princess. Besides, the swimsuit.
Wonder Woman: Watch it.
Catwoman: He did bring up a good point though, the way women were depicted in the story. Once again, Anthem falls under the problems that most of us suffer from. Save for the fact she doesn’t have to wear some revealing outfit with no bra. I mean, seriously, I don’t get how it’s expected of me to be able to fight in leather with no support?
Iron Man: I didn’t think Anthem wore leather around the town.
Wonder Woman: Maybe not. But despite the fact that Kahaney and Alloy wanted the audience to view Anthem as strong she really comes through as weak. And dumb, just so freaking dumb. Seriously, instead of being freaked out over the fact she had a new mechanical heart in her body and worrying about rejection it’s time to get “bad ass” to save a boy.
Iron Man: Yeah, the heart thing….as someone who has heart problems it was really handled poorly. From the transplant to the basic way the organ works. Totally off. And really, bad ass? Didn’t she fail at saving him.
Catwoman: She failed at everything. If it wasn’t for other people she would’ve been dead. I’m not even written as poorly in the new 52 and my new origin story sucks.
Wonder Woman: If it makes you feel any better, woman characters in comic often get the sour end of the stick. It’s pretty well documented. Though I have to say this particular “super hero” was particularly bad. She might’ve not worn leather, but she was objectified like she did.
Batman: If you mean, making a fool of herself. Than yes, you pretty much got that down pat. But even if she wasn’t a woman and didn’t get the usual girl in comics treatment she still would’ve sucked. Heros do not act that way.
Loki: Yet, you claim your not a hero if I remember correctly.
Another bat glare is given towards Loki who just ends up smirking .
Batman: I’m a crime fighter. I don’t subscribed to the tights and glory business. I actually care about saving lives, fighting for justice, unlike this girl.
Loki: Oh, nothing. Just there had to be some motivation for crime fighting. Let’s see Stark fights crime because he feels guilty about his friend dying in Afghanistan. My moronic brother fights crime basically because our father made him do something to redeem himself so he could be a god again. You in the swimsuit you fight crime to feel normal. And you in the catsuit, you fight crime just when it’s necessary.
Joker: You sound like Harley? Did you major in psycho babble?
Loki: No, I’m immortal. Besides being instantly superior to you, I can read you imbeciles without much effort. Which was why I was absolutely bored throughout this entire book. Nothing remotely interesting happened. It was basically like reading Batman’s origin story if he was born a girl and was into ballet. Oh, and instead of his parents dying his girlfriend dies. But I’m sure that has happened a few times in Batman’s actual universe I mean how many times has Robin died again?
Batman: Robin is my sidekick my girlfriend…well, it’s….
Iron Man: You two?
Loki: Oh, yes, those two.
Iron Man: Do tell…
Joker: There’s not much to tell. Catwoman and Batsy get it on every once in awhile. But they just can’t seem to commit.
Catwoman: It’s justice’s fault.
Batman: This is not about my romantic life. And if I was to have a relationship with Catwoman it would be because she’s reformed. Until then it will be nothing more than the occasional liaison. I am not like some stupid teenage girl who’s only real object is to avenge her boyfriend’s death. I actually care about my city….
Loki: For the most part. Though there was time where I thought you might actually have a relationship with her. Remember that time you managed to rescue her heart…hey, organ selling on the black-market? Happened in this book too. Looks like you got a thief to catch, Bruce.
Iron Man: Holy, cowl! Banner is Batman?
Batman: I am not the Hulk. I despise the color green.
Iron Man (big wink): Of course you do, Bruce.
Batman: I am not the Hulk, I’m Batman.
Anthem: No, your not. I’m Batman.
Batman: You did not just say that.
Joker: Oh no, someone’s got batsy briefs all wadded up. Thank you, Catwoman, for answering that long asked question.
Batman: God damn, book club. Worked like I thought it would. I know who you are, Anthem. Who you really are.
Loki: Anyone want popcorn? This could get mildly interesting?
Much to the god’s disbelief people ignore him and instead stare at Anthem who looks more beautiful than ever because she probably got another heart upgrade or something mundane and unrelated to actual physical beauty.
Anthem: I’m Batman.
Batman: No, you’re a Robin reject.
Gasps in the crowd. A Robin reject is there really such a thing since Robin is probably one of the most lamest characters in comics with the exception of Dick Grayson who became Nightwing so we all sort of forget he was the boy blunder at one point in time.
Iron Man: Really, a Robin reject is that even possible?
Joker: I thought I killed the only Robin reject.
Catwoman: Technically, Jason, was not a reject. He just had issues, like me. And Bruce doesn’t like problems as we already discuss. Therefore, no dynamic duo status for them on Facebook. Plus, he just wasn’t selling enough issues. But he wasn’t a total reject he resurrected with his Red Hood persona.
Anthem: Just like I am resurrecting myself as Bedlam City’s newest and greatest heroine.
Batman: No, you’re not….not on my watch.
Anthem: And that’s supposed to scare me because…
Batman: Because I’m Batman and you’re not.