Tune In: Witches of East End (1.4 “A Few Good Tailsmen”)

It’s Sunday and I have nothing better to do than watch Witches of East End.

Okay, I have a lot to do actually, but I record this show on the DVR mainly because General Hospital isn’t airing that particular day and I need something soap opera-ish to make fun of and it’s like the perfect show to review for this blog because I read the equally crappy series.

Okay, to be fair the TV series might be a little better.

Little being the operative word.

I really had such high hopes for this series when it began.  It looked like it could be my Charmed replacement, but nope I think I prefer my Charmed DVDs to this one.  Though, I’ll probably keep watching it mainly because (well, this blog and there’s nothing better going on).  That being said, let’s see what’s going on this drama fest this week.

Recap of Last Week: If you don’t want to read last week’s recap by yours truly, all you need to know is Jo learned that she shouldn’t have no magic cliche because it never works (Jesus, you would’ve thought Disney would’ve taught you that already).


Anyway, this weeks episode starts up with a flashback is Salem (or what I think is Salem).  As far as accuracy goes here they don’t stay in Salem long enough for me to bitch.  That’s a plus.  Jo beats up creepy old guy in the flashback and we flash to the women acting all Halliwell in the kitchen.  Unfortunately, there is no Leo and Cole in the kitchen to salivate over.

Lifetime though will remedy that situation soon with Dash.  I actually sort of feel bad for the actor, I think he was forced to sign a Jacob Black contract-you know, not have your shirt on for x amount of scenes.  He is pretty to look at though, that’s a plus.  Though I think his talents would’ve been better suited for General Hospital (which by the way is a far superior show because it knows how to work its campiness).

After some stupid antics that are facilitated by Wendy, Joanna’s lawyer takes a deposition for a character witness (who I know nothing or care nothing about).

And now we’re getting some Dash chest.  Most of the scene is focused on his chest, but we get a few diatribes about how his brother hurt him by cheating with his last girlfriend/fiancee.  And they talk about Freya’s relationship with her future mother in-law.  And how mother in-laws always love their daughter in-laws (try telling that to my grandma).

We then go to the library-better known as the place all the Lifetime cliche coworkers work.  We see that Barb who believes Ingrid knocked her up via a spell (it’s amazing that these librarians did not pay attention in health class).  She wants boring Ingrid (who wears two cardigans in this installment) to be godmother.  Even though Ingrid would probably be the worst godmother ever, but whatever.

 Freya talks to her mother in-law who looks like Heather Webber’s slightly younger and thinner sister.  Like the rest of the cast in this show, she has horrible taste in clothing and wears some weird ensemble that I think is supposed to show how rich she is.  Instead, I’m thinking total disaster that the costume designer ordered off of QVC when he or she was drunk.  Anyway, she wants Freya to get both her sons to come and eat with her which is just sort of stupid since they’re probably act like they are on Jerry Springer or whoever.


Joanna gets yelled at by the victim’s wife.  I’m amazed she’s on bail without an anklet or being housebound.  Wendy doesn’t like the fact that the victim’s wife is saying shit about Jo and she puts a spell on her that makes the victim’s wife end up in the hospital.  Joanna and her hot lawyer go to the murder scene and instead of-I don’t know, hiring an independent CSI to do an investigation so that they could nail the prosecution on cross, she decides to have psychic visions like Phoebe freaking Halliwell.  Except unlike Phoebe her eyes get all freaky when she gets a vision.

Hmmm, Phoebe visions and  hot lawyer guy that’s obviously in to her.

So, not going to say it (you know what I’m thinking).

 Ooooh God, Ingrid and painful romance here we come.  Not Andy comes visiting at that bar where everyone goes because Lifetime had a budget to only make x sets.  Genius that Freya is, she claims Not Andy and Ingrid are instantly in love.  Obviously, she’s read one too many YA books.  Ingrid in typical YA fashion freaks out.  I’m freaking out about how she always wears cardigans.  Can she go one episode without wearing a cardigan or not being annoying?

 Why do I ask such difficult questions?

 Freya fails with Killian.  He smirks at her and acts all sexily (yeah, I had to put that word in here thank you My Immortal).

 Dash is a doctor, I didn’t know that.  He actually looks really good in scrubs, then again I sort of have a thing for doctors.  But wow, I didn’t think he looked that good in clothes.  Now, I really don’t understand why he’s naked all the time.  Anyway, he’s talking to the woman that Wendy traumatized and pulls out some sort of parasite from her mouth.  Ominous music plays as they focus on the parasite and…..cut to the stock image of Halliwell Manor.

 Wendy is looking up insects online and happens on a picture of a guy that looks like Robert Irvine’s slightly less attractive younger brother (it’s really Freddie Prinze JR who looks nothing like Freddie Prinze JR).  Freya barges in and is like how do I get the Gardiner brothers to eat dinner.  Wendy gives her the spell and tells her to get the hell out.

 Meanwhile Phoebe and Cole Jo and Hot Lawyer go visit the character witness who is in danger according to her vision while Wendy visits Robert Irvine’s brother.  He’s impressed with her state of undressed he let’s her in (i.e. he probably thought his friends bought him something for his birthday).  I’m wondering if Wendy has ever gotten arrested for the whole going around naked in public thing.

 Not Andy surprises boring Ingrid (who is wearing a white cardigan now) at the library with a romantic dinner.  It’s sort of sweet, though I hope he didn’t serve anything that smelt too strongly or that it wasn’t a particularly musky area of the library.  Though sweetness aside, those two have horrible chemistry.  And when she breaks up with him, I’m like yay she got a clue.  But noooo, she breaks up with him because she’s afraid she loves him and then that means that there’s a chance he’ll die.

 Oh, the drama.

 Back at Robert Irvine’s  brother’s house, Wendy is sharing at the butterflies and is trying to seduce the brother to get one.  Of course, she ends up getting the butterfly after some sappy dappy lines and comparing him to Indiana Jones.

 I had to use some mind bleach on that one since Indiana Jones was one of my first crushes and the character Freddie is playing is NO Indy.

 Still at the dinner party, nothing has happened.  And I’m like duh character witness is not really character witness, but Jo is not as smart as me and of course gets trapped.

Freya arrives at the Gardiner mansion and here’s piano music.  Oh, God not this cliche that  Cassandra Clare started with stupid Jace to make him look softer because he was an asshole.  Oh wait, it wasn’t Clare it was SMeyer who started this stupid trend.   Ugh.  We learned that Killian used to play piano until he hurt his hand and then decided to change his career.  Never mind that plenty of musicians hurt their hand and still are able to play once the injury has healed (case in point, my father broke his wrist and once it healed he was able to play his stupid saxophone again with his band).  Dinner ends up being sort of a bust since Killian doesn’t understand why Freya kisses Dash  even though she is engaged in him.

Meanwhile, a Lifetime Drama moment occurs when Barb collapses while talking to Ingrid about her insta love.  At the hospital Ingrid’s other drippy friend tells her she saved Barb’s life even though we all know it’s her damn thought she’s in this trouble and Ingrid continues to mope….

Back to the climax with Jo and the bald guy.  Of course she eventually gets the upper hand, but not until after a commercial break and some Dr. Evil torturing.  Eventually, she tries asking him some questions. He essentially laughs in her face and tells her to get lost because he knows she’s not going to kill him and she’s not Batman.  So, what is the point?

Anyway, guesses for the big bad?  My guess is on lawyer dude because a) he’s a lawyer, b) he’s taking the role of Cole it seems, and c) it seems to fit since I know nothing else about his backstory.  I actually sort of want him and Jo together though so with my luck he is the big bad shifter.

Freya gets comforted by Dash for her failed dinner.  Obviously, they end up going to bed together.  Alas, it appears that Dash has fulfilled his Jacob Black contract for the episode since we don’t get some chest.

At the hospital, Wendy sets all things right with the stupid butterfly.  Essentially I didn’t care much for this part just that there’s horrible CGI going on here.

 Anyway, we cut back to mopey Ingrid who’s crying about how she caused Barb to be in surgery with a possible miscarriage.  Not Andy comes over, Ingrid’s like Barb and the baby are basically dead so…yeah, she makes out with him and then he collapses because it’s true loves kiss.  See, YA authors insta love kills.  Lifetime tried to make this all dramatic in stuff by having the kiss in the rain and everything, but it just comes off like a Kay’s Jeweler’s commercial with a horrible ending.  And God Ingrid’s voice drives me nuts.  She’s sooooooooooooooooooooooo annoying.  I’m laughing throughout all this drama when I should be emotional and crying.

That just doesn’t work for me, especially when insta love is involved and we cut to the preview which is just as big as a nonsensical mess as this episode.

Overall Rating: This episode gets a C/C- it’s alright.  But God……..I’m starting to really get annoyed with parts of this show.

One thought on “Tune In: Witches of East End (1.4 “A Few Good Tailsmen”)

  1. If Ingrid died before her time, this show would be so much more tolerable. She sucks. Annoying, bad decision making, cry baby. Somebody should just fling her into the sun and watch her burn. Worst character ever…other than Sookie Stackhouse from True Blood.

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