Patty Beagle Presents: Frozen by Melissa de la Cruz

Hi, my name is Patricia “Patty” Cakes Beagle.  I’m the cutest puppy in the universe.  My favorite color is orange and I like to eat table scraps all day long when not rolling in something stinky/biting my owner’s feet.  I am also a voracious reader-yes, I’m literate.   You see, I wear reading glasses and my owner let’s me listen to audio books.

She’s also letting me review this book called Frozen because she said it wouldn’t be right if she reviewed it because it would be like kicking a puppy and I can review it without repercussions  ’cause I am  a puppy.

Okay, so I suppose I should start out this review with a brief summary about the book because that’s more difficult than it seems because even I couldn’t figure out what hte book was about without reading the back jacket.  Basically there’s this girl who’s hiding out because she’s different and she meets this hot guy and they eat bacon fruit together while going on Peter Pan’s Flight at the Magic Kingdom.  
 
 
OOOH, bacon fruit.  You know how we dogs get around bacon.
 
I love bacon.  The idea of bacon being in fruit intrigues me.  But it better not be grapes since I have to go to that evil man with the bushy eyebrows if that’s the case.  He pumped my stomach the other year when I ate a whole bag of chocolate.
 
I still have bad memories about that.  I mean, Valentine’s Day you’re supposed to share your candy, MJ.  And you should tell your friends to give you stuff that’s not going to make me have to see bushy eyebrows man.
 
Some owners suck.
 
Okay, back to the book.  Despite the fact it has this amazing bacon fruit, the rest is really a downer and I can’t make much sense of it.  So there are these two characters, Wes and Nat, who think they’re like hot stuff.  They say it all the time.  But they’re not.  I’m hot stuff, I’m cute.  I know what cute is.  They aren’t. I don’t go around telling people how sexy I am, instead I exhibit my cuteness in daily activities like barking.
 
I don’t even know why they’re in love.  Seriously, my parents relationship made more sense then there’s and I was bred for show.  That should tell you everything you need to know about Wet’s chemistry.  And Nat can sort of turn into an animal (I think) that’s sort of bad-animals aren’t supposed to be touched that way by humans.  But I guess since that wolf guy on Twilight got with Bella (sort of) it’s okay.
 
No, I don’t think so still a little disturbing especially since the creature’s voice is in her head and she’s like crazy Bliss Llewllyn but it’s a dragon not Lucifer that’s in her head (still creepy). 
 
Oh God, Bliss Llewllyn.  The beginning of Melissa de la Cruz’s destruction (my owner told me to put that in here).  I’m supposed to tell you about how Wolf Pact was the beginning of the obvious fall from grace from de la Cruz.  Though really the Blue Bloods series started declining after the fourth book and her last few books-non Blue Bloods related have sort of sucked too which is whyFrozen was MJ’s last shot in continuing her favorite buy me automatically relationship with Melissa de la Cruz.
 
Yeah, needless to say MJ is distraught right now.  Hence why I’m reviewing, bitches.
 
Ha!  Ha!  That’s actually funny because I’m a bitch.
 
It’s dog humor. I don’t expect you lame humans to get it.
 
Let me continue with the book.  Oh, the world building.  I couldn’t tell you what the heck was going on.  Things were just sort of thrown at you.  I think it was supposed to be like if Tank Girl and Peter Pan had a baby and it mutated with YA dystopia, but with better hair.
 
That’s really the only way I can describe it.  
 
The book is just really a weird piece of shit.  The grammar was awful and MJ thinks it was done on purposes.  It starts off with a weird prologue where the writer looks like they know nothing about comma rules.  Having read enough fan fiction, MJ was able to put on her filter pretty quick and read.  But it still was jarring.  She’d rather not blame the newbie author in this (de la Cruz’s husband who ghostwrote/created the Blue Bloods series because that’s not fair), but these mistakes were something that one with an MFA should be able to pick up on quite easily.  There were also some paragraphs where multiple lines of dialogue by multiple characters were listed.  Once again, bad choice of style, or were the Penguin staff eating too many Twinkies when editing this one.
 
I mean, a dog sees these errors.
 
A dog.
 
A purebred Beagle, but still a dog.
 
For all you “fans” of tropes get ready to be delighted there’s big info dumps, big insta love, and big slut slamming, all thrown into one full fun book.  
 
MJ used to praise de la Cruz for her world builidng, now it’s on the same level as PC and Kristin Cast.
 
The insta love was ridiculous.  It was one thing with Jack and Schuyler because there was build up and an explanation for the attraction but here.  Stupid……and the romance……god it reminded MJ of a bad Bollywood movie but with worse actors so you don’t even get the fun there.  And Wet as I said before no chemistry.  They’re pretty people, but once again I’m cuter.
 
Then there’s the slut slamming.  MJ told me she got to read this little gem in the book and I had to quote it because it made her blood pressure go up about ten points when she read it.
 

“It’s a miracle you passed the STD monitors-not with those girls from Ho Ho City!” de la Cruz and Johnston (Frozen, 80).

Not to mention they’ve never watched Carmen Sandiego to know the basic principles of geography-the Arctic Ocean isn’t off of the coast of California.  This really pisses off MJ because she was a dedicated viewer who always wanted to be on that show but didn’t get on it because it got canceled and all she got for her efforts was first runner up at her school’s geography bee.  Sucky prize for knowing where Maine and Washington are on the map.

 
Was anything good about this book, besides it being a good chew toy?

That wasn’t the only thing you had to suspend reality.  Several things about the Earth just didn’t make sense to someone like my owner who has an interest in the environment and has actually worked on environmental issues.  Plus, a lot of the things like the use of petroleum conflicted with what was said ten pages earlier.

At a certain point MJ just didn’t care anymore and started throwing me treats.

I liked that.

A lot.

Well, it’s not as horrid as Winds of Salem in some regards and the idea wasn’t bad.  The cover was gorgeous even though I had seen girl lying down with something covering parts of her head several times already in book published by de la Cruz.  My owner is really fed up though and is giving this book two stars on her own rating system, a half star on Booklikes, and one star on GoodReads.  I liked it though because of the treats.

But it sucks for you, peeps. 

Thanks you,

Patricia C. Beagle

P.S. You all agree that I’m like the cutest ever, right?

 
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