After watching my fair share of Christmas movies, I have come to these conclusions:
1) If you let everyone push you around you’re a success. It also helps if there’s a particularly mean old miser around so that everyone else looks a bit less jerkish (see It’s a Wonderful Life).
2) If someone says your Santa Claus because you put on a suit with a supposed contract in it, call a lawyer those elves will back down fast (see The Santa Clause). Also, if they keep adding causes after the fact, you probably have a good case for an unconscionable contract-note, this makes an excellent bar prep problem.
3) Trust the creepy adult next door. He might be rumored to be a murderer, but he’ll probably save your life at some point. So will the crazy homeless bird lady in the park. All those stranger danger PSAs ignore them because in the end the creepy stranger will save the day ( see Home Alone)
4) Worried that Grandpa is going to get sent to the loony bin for saying he’s Santa, just get the post office to deliver a letter addressing him as Saint Nick to the County Jail. Note, this defense only works if he thinks he’s Santa. It is unknown if it would work if he was claiming he was Hanukah Harry, The Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny (see Miracle of 34th Street).
5) Stealing someone’s hat is perfectly legal if you’re a snowman that comes to life (see Frosty the Snowman). Also, snowmen can reproduce (see subsequent sequels). Hence, why snowman erotica is all the rage.
6) Getting a crappy Christmas tree means something profound. Also, Beagles are really great at decorating their houses for the holidays (see a A Charlie Brown Christmas).
7) If your neighbors hate you it’s probably because you didn’t put out the inflatable snowman in your yard (see Christmas with the Cranks)
8) Only vegans can apply to be Santa since they don’t smell like beef and cheese (see Elf).
9) There actually should be a warning label on candy canes since there’s a chance they could be radioactive (see Santa Clause the Movie).
10) After you watch so many versions of The Christmas Carol, you start having all these weird conspiracy theories about how a certain member of the Crochet family was connected with those ghosts that haunted poor Scrooge. Another plausible theory is that Tiny Tim is a demon (alas, that is only speculation at this time).