I do not own these Disney villains. I wish I did because then half of them would’ve won. I’m merely using them for purposes of reviewing this book.
Jafar: Okay, as head of this committee I have to say everyone’s idea for revenge sucks. I’ll even admit that my own did. And I had my own direct to video over it. I think the Gilbert Godfrey songs killed it.
Ursula: Well, at least they didn’t give your sister the same voice actor. But Jafar, darling, Steve Jobs told us years ago that direct DVDs were out, so we knew we weren’t doing that. I’m telling you let me throw one of my potions into their happily ever after water supply and we’ll be good to go.
Hades: Ursula, babe, fairy godmothers.
Urusla: Well, that was better than your idea of switching up villains. That show worked on your shoddy TV show.
Jafar: Fellow fiends, that’s the past. This is the present. Now we need to come up with something original which means no more cursing the offspring, switch ups, or in my case having parrots sing to the audience for eighty some odd minute. Now any new suggestions?
Maleficent: Well, there is a book…
Ursula: A book. Really? A book how is that supposed to help us, Maleficent. Are we just supposed to read it to our respected nemesis?
Maleficent: Well, yes. Have you read this book?
Jafar: Let me see the book.
(Maleficent zaps a copy of Kill Me Softly into Jafar’s hands)
Jafar: Ah, fuck.
Hades: Jafar, um, this is the Disney crowd.
Jafar: It’s Kill Me Softly, Hades. Kill Me Softly. That in itself gives reason to curse.
Maleficent: And therefore it is the perfect revenge.
Jafar: You really are the most sadistic one of us, aren’t you?
Maleficent: Probably (smiles) though honestly, this one is a little too painful for my taste. I just had to suggest it because my fairytale stars in it.
Jafar: Oh yes, the ever boring Sleeping Beauty. You know, for being such a BAMF, you got a really lame heroine.
Maleficent: Well, at least she looks pretty. I’ll give her that. But yes, Aurora is lame. And a more fully developed version of said character should be an improvement. You know, like a book version of her but…
Hades: We’ve all read the book. I heard it caused the Queen of Hearts to cut off a dozen heads.
Ursula: She does that on a daily basis. Nothing new there. God, I hate the fact people actually see that cow as a villain. All she does is yell. Not a subtle bone in her body.
Jafar: Says the octopus who was modeled after a drag queen. Though you do make a good point in relation to the book, the characters are utterly bland. All of them. As you previously mentioned, the Aurora character is completely undeveloped. A lot of her motivations really make no sense. Actually, I think the Disney Aurora much more well formed and smarter. This girl makes dumb mistakes just to move the plot along. It’s annoying.
Ursula: Dumb mistakes always move a plot along. See my movie.
Jafar: Yes, but your main character was a mermaid. She didn’t know better. Mira was a fifteen-year-old girl who was sophisticated to do some things, like set her godmothers on a wild goose chase halfway across the country, but dumb enough to not even think about Googling where her parents graves might be like a sensible person. Or for that matter, even thinking ahead to book a Holiday Inn (not that she could technically check into a hotel but you get the point).
Gaston: Isn’t a good thing she’s dumb though?
Jafar: He’s here. I told you guys specifically NOT to invite him. Whoever did is going to get zapped.
Maleficent: Well, I obviously didn’t invite him Jafar. You and I feel the same about him. He’s a disgrace to all villains.
Hades: Agreed. And he’s annoying. There’s a reason why he’s not dead despite falling a fatal fall. I don’t want him.
Jafar: That leads you (gives Ursula a pointed look).
Ursula (sighs): I might’ve had one too many drinks.
Jafar: Of course you did.
Ursula: I like pretty boys, what do I say.
Gaston: So, who’s the dumb girl. Is she hot? Because if she is I’d totally be interested.
Hades: This is what’s wrong with society these days. Everyone likes their significant other to be dumb and what does it bring-more dumb people. This book is just a prime example of this. There was a whole town of stupid people.
Gaston: My kind of town.
Malificent: Yes, your sort of town. The love interests are just almost as stupid and evil as you are. Actually, one of them might even be more evil than you are.
Gaston: But not as handsome, right?
Everyone Ignores Him, save for Ursula who is eyeing his butt.
Jafar: This brings up an interesting point. I do think Felix is a little worse than any of us. I mean, none of us try to seduce and murder a girl who’s underage.
Maleficent: Didn’t you try to make Jasmine your love slave.
Jafar: It was never explicitly stated. And I was just going to marry her for the title. It was never love.
Hades: You’d have to consumate it.
Everyone (excluding Gaston who is oblivious): EW!
Jafar: I don’t think I would’ve gone that far. Probably. And, well, Agrabah is different than modern day America. Plus, you can’t say I’m as annoying as Felix or Blue or Freddie.
Ursula: Oh, Freddie wasn’t annoying. Just pathetic. He really had no role other than to be the Prince Phillip character. If, you know, the prince got dumped. I really think I should whip the poor dear a potion.
Hades: You getting soft in your old age, babe?
Ursula: Hardly, I just think he’d be a good addition to my garden. He’s so bland no one would miss him. Much like the plot in this book.
Jafar: Was there a plot? I thought it was just teenagers being in love trash while trying to impose fairytale curses as a subplot. Save for Mira’s supposed curse and releasing her one true love from his curse. Was there any plot other than her love life? At least my sequel had a plot….my revenge.
Hades: Your sequel sucked, Jafar. Everybody knows it.
(Jafar pouts and teleports out)
Malificent: Are you happy now, Hades? There goes are moderator. How are we going to talk about getting the ultimate revenge when our head honcho isn’t even here?
Gaston: Jafar is hardly the big honcho. He doesn’t even have an honorary cheese head.
Malificent: I don’t even want to try to comprehend your stupidity. It’s like trying to make sense of the illogical sense that this book is. I mean, we have a fifteen year old walking around a casino with no one checking her ID. Same thing with getting into a wide variety of clubs, having it be perfectly okay for fathers to molest their daughters and stepmothers to attempt to kill their daughters all because they’re living a fairytale over and over again. Man, I wish my curses were that good. In fact, I want to know who casts this curse? Maybe the next idiotic princess that doesn’t invite me to a birthday party can get a real doozy.
Hades: Yes, but get to the point, Maleficent. As revenge, how does this book have any merit? I mean, it’s bad, we all know it. But how would be use it against our enemies?
Gaston: Books are so boring, no one reads.
Maleficent: And so you’ll be safe of the curse but everyone who does….well, their eyes will bleed.
Overall Rating: A big fat F.