Creeper In Multiple Ways: Straight Stalk by Tera Lynn Childs

Every Girl Deserves A Little Revenge…

Southern bell turned city girl shop owner, Bethany Lange knows a thing or two about gay men. She’s dated five of them. On top of her failed dating life, she’s trying to keep her SoHo boutique ahead of the creditors and on top of the trends. When a friend offers her a consulting job on a new gay makeover show, she snatches up the golden opportunity faster than you can say, “Never wear stripes with paisley.”

Color her déjà blue when one of the cast members turns out to be her latest ex. She doesn’t believe for a second that he’s gay and she’s going to prove it, even if she has to stalk him to get the proof. In the meantime, she’s battling a growing attraction to Chris, the show’s kitchen god. He’s sweet, sexy, and funny. The perfect guy… if only he weren‘t gay.

As the stalking and her attraction to Chris escalate, can Bethany prove to herself, once and for all, that she’s not the closet cleaner she fears she’s become? Can she stop falling for unavailable guys and find one that’s a lifetime keeper? Only time—and stalking—will tell.

Source: GoodReads

I’m actually depressed and it’s my fault.  I should’ve realized-based on the summary-how this one was going to be.  But I had hope, oh so much hope because this is by Tera Lynn Childs.

Who knows how to write really fluffy novels.  However, maybe she should stick to her YA stuff because for an adult novel.

Yeah….the characters acted more like they were thirteen than in their early thirties.

And there was nothing remotely original or awe inspiring about this book that made it worth my time.

Nothing.

The main character Bethany is pretty much a Mary Sue.  She looks enough like a famous actress to be mistaken for her.  Manages to get on a TV show with very little effort.  Pay Manhattan rent for both a shop and apartment, despite not being loaded.  And is a horrible pet owner.

I’ll get more into the animal abuse later because that pretty much sets me off.  But now, I have to talk about Bethany.  So, she’s pretty bland except for having terrible gay-dar and daddy issues. But I guess that’s okay, because she can drink all night long and walk around in a trench coat and lingerie and can pretty much seduce anyone because she’s wearing pink panties and heels.

Yeah, I didn’t like her.

Or her boyfriend.  I really can’t go off on him without giving too much away about the plot, but let’s just say once again Bethany has horrible gaydar.  I picked up on this characteristic about the boyfriend within five pages on his introduction.   And what he did really no excuse.  Bethany you shouldn’t have been understanding.  That was a pretty huge lie.  But you were like all giggles, giggles, let’s get in bed.

This book really annoys me.

Once again, really shouldn’t have been that surprised given the summary.

But this is a Tera Lynn Childs book.

Le sigh.

And now comes the section of my review called let’s piss MJ off with animal abuse.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I feel totally entitled to use the word fuck by the way since I had the WTF did I read face when I read this whole scene and fall out from a scene.

When I read initially that Bethany bought a chicken to save it from being slaughtered, I was like cute and yay Bethany for saving an animal’s life.  Then I realized what a horrible pet owner she made.

To be fair, the actual physical abuse isn’t done by Bethany, but the fact that she didn’t take the chicken to a vet (calling an animal health hotline isn’ t the same as going to a vet/going to an animal hospital, FYI) and turning the scumbag in for animal cruelty or letting him tell her off.

No.

Just no.

Plus, the whole scene tried to come out as funny.

But how is purposely macing a chicken funny?

Really?

And no….a fucking chicken is not going to attack you.  The scene just came out as wrong.  Just so fucking wrong.  Which is probably why I’m thinking of pouring myself something of the alcoholic persuasion right now to try to forget about this fuckery.

But it gets better.  It gets even better.

Poor Chicken (that’s it’s name, you know, Chicken.  So much fucking originality there).  Then again the Audrey Hepburn version of Holly Golightly named her cat “Cat” so I guess inspiration struck there.

Sometimes I even wonder why I bother…

It gets even worse.

Poor Chicken already is physically abused without much of a vet’s visit, but she’s soon given away because the producers need a pet for their fucking TV show.  BTW, tell me what fucking TV show films multiple episodes without their fucking pilot being picked up?

Okay, I  will  try to refrain from using the word fuck as much for the rest of this review (no promises though because it’s pretty infuriating).  But I don’t get how someone can so callously give up a pet and be like, well, it’s okay the kids can play with it. And obvs kids are the best pet owners in the world-they’re not, just ask any mother who is walking Sparky and picking up his poo after eight-year-old Timmy becomes disenchanted with his pet Cocker Spaniel because he now has an Xbox.

Chickens aren’t first time apartment pets, Bethany.

If you actually did some fucking research, you’d know that it isn’t a fucking goldfish. They require room and you need to know what you’re doing so they won’t be susceptible to diseases.   Oh, and they’re not going to want to cuddle with a five year old.

But kids.  Happy.  Pets.  Giving that bird away is the right thing to do after  it served it’s plot point (i.e. being fucking abused).  As long as the kids are happy…..

Excuse me while I get out something that has a little bit more alcohol in this.

Somehow, my Kindle and I survived this though.  We actually finished this book.

Reason why: I was bored and I had this on my Kindle and I just had to see in Tera would throw a bone and do something original with the end.  Like I don’t know throw a wrench in the whole straight vs gay thing and make someone bi.

But no.

The ending was one of the most cringe worthy roll your eye moments for me.

Look, I get this is chick lit and that chick lit is predictable.  But I love chick lit.  And it can be original.  Yes, formulaic but you can throw twists and turns in the work that will excite the reader.  This book though just made me cringe.  The writing itself wasn’t bad.  Tera makes books readable and even though she was a Sue, I did get some sort of voice with Bethany.  But I honestly, can’t recommend it.  I’m going to try her other City Chicks novel, Eye Candy, out though.  The premises looks a little less ridiculous and hopefully there will be no animal cruelty in it.

Overall Rating: No.  F. I’m not going into much detail and if I talk much more about  the animal cruelty comedy scene I’m going to turn into the Book Hulk.

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