Patty Beagle Presents: When Stephenie Meyer Hit the Find and Replace Button

Celebrate the tenth anniversary of Twilight! This special double-feature book includes the classic novel, Twilight, and a bold and surprising reimagining, Life and Death, by Stephenie Meyer.

Packaged as an oversize, jacketed hardcover “flip book,” this edition features nearly 400 pages of new content as well as exquisite new back cover art. Readers will relish experiencing the deeply romantic and extraordinarily suspenseful love story of Bella and Edward through fresh eyes.

Twilight has enraptured millions of readers since its first publication in 2005 and has become a modern classic, redefining genres within young adult literature and inspiring a phenomenon that has had readers yearning for more. The novel was a #1 New York Times bestseller, a #1USA Today bestseller, a Time magazine Best Young Adult Book of All Time, an NPR Best-Ever Teen Novel, and a New York Times Editor’s Choice. The Twilight Saga, which also includes New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella, and The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide, has sold nearly 155 million copies worldwide.

Source: GoodReads

Once upon a time, a  woman made millions by writing a self-insert fantasy based on a dream she had where a super glamorous version of her made out with Henry Cavil* in a meadow.

I was not that woman.

Hurricane Patty

Adorable, cute, perfect. All of these descriptions describe yours truly.

For one thing, if I was going to write about my dreams it would involve me being the only puppy in my house-no pesky Chihuahuas or terriers-and eating a big juicy steak.  There would be no vampires because, ew, drinking blood is nasty.

Alas, no one is interested in hearing the fantasies of a perfectly sweet and demure Beagle.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you people.  Especially when said woman ten years later publishes the same book but hits find and replace on all the pronouns making all the sires bitches and all the bitches sires.

That is just so confusing.

Oh, it could be interesting.  Like you know if there was really a purpose other than changing the genders, BUT there was no purpose.

Instead, it just showed how archaic Ms. Meyer’s views of gender are.

Yes, 2005 was ten years ago but gender norms haven’t really evolved that much in ten years ago.  At least not to the extent that Stephenie Meyer would like you to think.

Take for instance the author’s note that deals with the non-gender swap between Charlie and Renee.  Back in the late 80’s early 90’s according to Meyer, bio-daddies weren’t likely to get sole custody unless the mother was a crack head.

Um, nope.

Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.

Times infinity.

This legal beagle knows from her owner’s family law case books and life stories, that plenty of single men raised their kids  back then.  The court doesn’t look at gender generally speaking, and there are plenty other excuses besides the fact that Charlie-who I will rename Charlene could’ve not had primary custody of Beau.  But whatever.

This comes from the same woman that thinks boy’s can’t be raped.  Obviously, she did not watch the two plus year old story on One Life to Live where crazy Margret kidnapped Not Todd Manning and we were forced to endure the year long pregnancy slash baby napping of their son.  Then again, a lot of people don’t get that men can be raped.  Just ask the characters Graham and Robin Hood on Once Upon a Time.  It’s really sad though, that this can’t be addressed and instead Beau and Royal (what a stupid ass name, not even my call name HRH The Pretty Precious Princess, is that ridiculous).

Me while reading this.

Me while reading this.

Even little issues like Bonnie (used to be Billy) not going fishing with Charlie because it isn’t manly and Beau fainting because he has vasovagal syncope-a disorder that might my owner add mainly affects women, she would know because she was handed a handout for said disorder because she  suffers from it-which they proceed to make bad jokes about for half a chapter because heaven forbid Beau faints because he can’t stand blood because he’s a boy.

It’s funny how “traditional” Meyer is with her use on gender.  I say traditional becuase many of what are proclaimed to be traditional gender norms, aren’t really that traditional.  Like the color pink.  Up until the relative recent past, it was commonly worn by boys rather than girls.  And one of MJ’s annoying baby Chihuahua puppies name is Pinky.   And yes, he’s a he.

Pinky the annoying puppy.

Pinky the annoying puppy.  Brainy the annoying puppy is in the background.

So there, Meyer, the so called gender norms you believe in nobody buys it.  See Pinky the annoying Chihuahua for Exhibit A.

Most of Life and Death consisted of Meyer retelling Twilight where Beau likes the color blue better and still cooks Charlie lasagna, but eats it all instead of waxing about not having a bite.

Seriously, it’s lasagna, Charlie.  Everyone loves lasagna.

Well, cartoon orange cats and beagles like it.

Anyway, Charlie throws a hissy fit.  Which I think is so over the top because I eat the last bites of lasagna-or really anything that I’m allowed to eat all the time.

That’s the main difference between this and Twilight, besides the ending which is probably the best part about this book.

If Twilight only ended this way then we wouldn’t have three sequels.  Okay, so Meyer kind of half asses the ending, but it’s a better ending.  Feels much more realistic since no one turns into a pervert, there’s no baby Loch Ness monster, and Beau actually has to deal with (gasp) consequences.

Albeit, the consequences don’t last that very long.

And Beau is like I don’t give a damn I have ultra skinny vampire girlfriend to keep me happy.

It’s truly disturbing how Edythe’s attractiveness is described by her extreme thinness.  I don’t know what Meyer is thinking.  I am a corpulent Beagle and am still considered to be very, very, cute.  Adorable.  Except when there are baby Chihuahuas involved.

I hate baby Chihuahuas.

They ruin everything.  Do you know I have to spend most of my days outside now?  Who wants to do that?  And they poop on my bed-oh, the indignity.

Bed Patty

My bed has been defiled!

The point is, Edythe is like a baby Chihuahua unreal looking.  And that means she sucks*.

You know who I kept thinking Edythe was throughout Lady Edith from Downton Abbey.  Except Lady Edith isn’t stupid enough to spell her name that way or become a vampire.

Vampires suck.

That’s one of the lessons I learned from this book because, you know, you have to learn a lesson from every book you read.

Really though anyone should just skip this because this book is just so bad, I’m not even interested in it even though I got some much needed attention (meaning, more food).  Originally my owner wanted to write an article about gender in YA, but after reading this she couldn’t because she told me it was a book so bad it would be like kicking a puppy to write a review.  Hence, why I am discussing it.

I’ll go back to being tormented by those evil Chihuahuas now.  Look at what my life’s become….le sigh.

Thank You,

Patty Beagle

*Patty states Henry Cavil, because he was the choice Meyer originally had in mind to play Edward before being deemed too old.

*Note I disagree with Patty, personally I think baby Chihuahuas are adorable and don’t look anything like the Cullens.


4 thoughts on “Patty Beagle Presents: When Stephenie Meyer Hit the Find and Replace Button

    • I read it in pursuit of literary science, lol. Honestly, it wasn’t the worse thing I ever read. Collen Houck and the Casts sort of have that down to an art. It was just boring and like the dog said about sixty years out of date.

      • Literary scientists across the world appreciate your efforts 😛
        Omg, don’t get me started on Collen Houck. I mean, her latest book was bad enough, but it was even worse to me because I’m Egyptian. I will never get those four hours back 😥 😀
        I really like the beagle, tho. 😉

      • Why thank you 🙂

        Yep about Colleen Houck. I was hoping she might’ve been able to improve a little bit after that previous monstrosity of a series since there was more editorial effort behind Reawakened but nope nope nope.

        Patty thanks you, lol.

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