Little Life Lessons from Christmas Movies

After watching my fair share of Christmas movies, I have come to these conclusions:

1) If you let everyone push you around you’re a success.  It also helps if there’s a particularly mean old miser around so that everyone else looks a bit less jerkish (see It’s a Wonderful Life).

2) If someone says your Santa Claus because you put on a suit with a supposed contract in it, call a lawyer those elves will back down fast (see The Santa Clause).  Also, if they keep adding causes after the fact, you probably have a good case for an unconscionable  contract-note, this makes an excellent bar prep problem.

3) Trust the creepy adult next door.  He might be rumored to be a murderer, but he’ll probably save your life at some point.  So will the crazy homeless bird lady in the park.  All those stranger danger PSAs ignore them because in the end the creepy stranger will save the day ( see Home Alone)

4) Worried that Grandpa is going to get sent to the loony bin for saying he’s Santa, just get the post office to deliver a letter addressing him as Saint Nick to the County Jail.  Note, this defense only works if he thinks he’s Santa.  It is unknown if it would work if he was claiming he was Hanukah Harry, The Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny (see Miracle of 34th Street).

5) Stealing someone’s hat is perfectly legal if you’re a snowman that comes to life (see Frosty the Snowman).  Also, snowmen can reproduce (see subsequent sequels).  Hence, why snowman erotica is all the rage.

6)  Getting a crappy Christmas tree means something profound.  Also, Beagles are really great at decorating their houses for the holidays (see a A Charlie Brown Christmas).

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Of course, some Beagles live in beds and since their owners refuse to sleep with tinsel they have to be a bit of a Debby Downer.

7)  If your neighbors hate you it’s probably because you didn’t put out the inflatable snowman in your yard (see Christmas with the Cranks)

8) Only vegans can apply to be Santa since they don’t smell like beef and cheese (see Elf).

9) There actually should be a warning label on candy canes since there’s a chance they could be radioactive (see Santa Clause the Movie).

10) After you watch so many versions of The Christmas Carol, you start having all these weird conspiracy theories about how a certain member of the Crochet family was connected with those ghosts that haunted poor Scrooge.  Another plausible theory is that Tiny Tim is a demon (alas, that is only speculation at this time).

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Well, at Least He’s Not that Monster Anymore: Holidaze

From this blog, you know that I have a passion for bad TV movies and soap operas.  When both of these things are combined, it’s obvious that I’m going to watch the movie.

Holidaze-a ABC Family puke-riginal came out this year and it stared one of the most infamous soap characters of all time.  Okay, infamous might be a harsh word.  But as pretty as Cameron Mathison is, I just could not stand his character on All My Children.  And unfortunately for Cam,  he just can’t step away from the role as the odious Ryan Lavery.  To be fair to him though, I have been watching him as Ryan since he showed up the show and I was like nine or whatever.  That’s sort of hard for me not to think of him as Ryan Lavery.  But still, I am so freaking sick of that “I am that monster” look.

For those of you who never watched AMC.  The quote I referred to is a scene on the show where Ryan”tries” to contain himself from beating the shit out of his pregnant wife, Greenlee-that pairing in itself needs a diatribe written about it, but I won’t go there.  

Let’s just say I’m pretty sure Ryan Lavery is the prototype for Travis Maddox.

That being said, let’s look at Holidaze another over sweet over the top movie that preaches mediocrity to the masses from ABC Fucking Family.

Here’s the movie in a nutshell: Jennie Garth (yeah, she’s in this one) works for the ABC Family version of Walmart and obviously that means she’s the devil.  She goes back to her old town to convince them to put a big box shop in their non-franchine, non-commercialism community and of course everyone hates her which she doesn’t get.  Until, at least, she bumps her head and learns the valuable lesson of being mediocre.

I freaking kid you not.  What this movie is is a rip off of that horrible Nicholas Cage movie, The Family Man.  Why anyone would want to do a ripoff or a remake of that idiotic movie is beyond me, but this ABC Family we’re talking about (the network that canceled Bunheads).

I hate that freaking movie (The Family Man).  Because while I get what it’s trying to do, at the same time I can’t just help but be annoyed with it.  Just like I was with this movie.  I think an added factor that made Holidaze even worse than the original was that the Cage character was a woman-thus, there was this almost weird assertion through the movie that women should not have high powered jobs because it makes them bitches.

Ah, misogyny at it’s finest.
Really the more I think about it,fans of Beautiful Disaster would enjoy this movie.

To be fair though, it had a few redeeming moments.  For example, I did think there were a couple of times that if I raided the minibar enough I could almost buy Cam and Jennie as a couple.  I mean, he is almost pretty enough to be a Cullen and the ice skating scene had that cheesy holiday romance feel to them.

But to be honest about it, overall the movie sucked.  The romance just seemed rush in the end.  And while I did like the part where Jennie had to adjust to being a cookie cutter American without a Walmart to a certain degree, I just felt like they flashed back to her life as a businesswoman way too quickly.  Plus, when they did I literally knew how she was going to stop Walmart from being built (everything and it’s mother in the town was a freaking historical landmark).

I’m going to get on my soapbox a little bit here, so bear with me.  These sort of movies annoy the freaking hell out of me.  Especially when they’re holiday specials.  I hate having some big moral shoved down my throat.  It’s one of the reasons I can’t stand Frosty Returns (the fourth Frosty sequel that involves Frosty lecturing children about the environment).  Let me be frank, it’s Christmas.  It’s not the time or the place to have these lessons shoved down our throats.  I barely can stand The Christmas Carol because of this.  Really, Tiny Tim can stuff it .  And for that matter, Scrooge really is like most people in today’s society.  I mean, if Dickins ever had to go to Walmart during Black Friday I think he’d have enough material to write more books about how horrible everyone is at Christmas time.

Actually, that wouldn’t make a bad Christmas Lifetime movie, I can just see it now: Jessica was mauled over when fighting for an iPad Thanksgiving evening at Walmart.  Now her Christmas wishes of being the belle of the ball at the town’s annual Christmas party are ruined since she has two black eyes, a broken nose and arm.  How will she ever survive?  At least her surgeon’s cute….and he has an iPad.

See, that’s the sort of Christmas movie I’d want to watch.

Not this.

Because seriously, there was nothing going for this movie except it starred a guy I used to incessantly mock for his bad acting while I ate my lunch in college.  Oh, and it has that girl from Beverly Hills 90210 that used to be married to a vampire in it.

Overall Rating  no stars for you (F).