Should’ve Been All the Poops: All the Feels by Danika Stone

College freshman Liv is more than just a fangirl: The Starveil movies are her life… So, when her favorite character, Captain Matt Spartan, is killed off at the end of the last movie, Liv Just. Can’t. Deal.

Tired of sitting in her room sobbing, Liv decides to launch an online campaign to bring her beloved hero back to life. With the help of her best friend, Xander, actor and steampunk cosplayer extraordinaire, she creates #SpartanSurvived, a campaign to ignite the fandom. But as her online life succeeds beyond her wildest dreams, Liv is forced to balance that with the pressures of school, her mother’s disapproval, and her (mostly nonexistent and entirely traumatic) romantic life. A trip to DragonCon with Xander might be exactly what she needs to figure out what she really wants.

Source: GoodReads

Note: This review is solely the opinion of Patricia C Beagle (my vain and fame obssed Beagle back in Texas)-whose idea day is spent eating, getting cuteness rest, obsessing over the color orange, and slobbering over Anderson Cooper whenever he’s on the news.

Long time, no see.  Sometimes I even forget I do sometimes do this co-blogger thing but then I heard there was Beagle Con and that I was going to get an illustrious table because I’m like internet famous.  Much like Grumpy Cat, only without my own Lifeetime movie.

But my owner told me that that was only my fan fiction.

How can you write fan fiction about yourself, I ask?

Besides, I’m sure all you wonderful readers would just love seeing me at Beagle Con because I’m just so adorable with my floppy ears, chocolate color eyes, and love for the color orange.

Pure adorableness.

Pure adorableness.

Oh, orange.  How you are the most wonderful, adorable color ever.  If I was a color, Orange, I’d be you.

And before you say, Patty Cakes Beagle you have an ego, all I will say is look at me and this book is about fandom so I have the right to talk about the mere possibility of having a booth at Beagle Con.

So anyway, All the Poops-that’s what I started calling it in my head, ’cause I was like this book is so bad it gives me the poops and All the Poops seemed to be a better title than All the Feels.  There was a lot of shitty things that went on in this one after all.

Again, I ask why I am only allowed to read the oh, so, terrible books that you feel sort of bad about making fun of-in other words being mean to it would be like kicking an adorable puppy so an adorable puppy (ME!) must review it.

It’s a hard, hard, job.  And my life has gotten even worse lately.  Even though, the Chihuahuas left to live with MJ, one of my friends passed (RIP sweet Baby)  and my MJ’s mother got a Corgi puppy named Elsie Clementine for Mother’s Day who is my number one fan and said she would so visit me at Beagle Con.  But reading All the Poops was a lot worse than babysitting a corgi who thinks a water bowl is a swimming pool.

My protege whose sort of named after an orange, her middle name is Clementine,

My protege whose sort of named after an orange, her middle name is Clementine.

You know, Elsie sort of reminds me of the main character in this book-Liv.  She’s like obsessed with me and I think she would mourn the fact if I decided to  quit being awesome if I was a film star like the actor that Liv is obsessed with I’m sure that she’s totally get depressed/obsess/have a big online campaign that would be all about me and I’d like get so impressed and then bark at her because I wanted to make more money and…and…

Elsie obsessed.

Elsie obsessed over ME.

That doesn’t make sense.

I  mean, Elsie’s obsession with me sort of does, but Liv’s obsession with Captain Spartan and in turn the actor who plays him was sort of creepy.  I mean, she literally mourned him for like the entire book until everyone decided that hey we can cash cow out with one more movie like we’re Cassandra Clare or something, all because of her crappy cut and paste Youtube videos that featured her BFF as some random original character.

It was just weird and awkward and not really fandom like.

Let me tell you, I’ve experienced fandom.  I’ve wrote quite a bit of fan fics-all of them involving stories that involves Beagles.  Like, I redid Shiloh in which he discovers he has a long lost twin sister named, Patricia Cakes Beagle, and they’re adopted by Anderson Cooper and live their days in the CNN studio eating burgers.  Then there’s that fan fic where Anderson Cooper notices a poor Beagle aptly named Patty who is only allowed to eat her diet food once a day adopts her and then she gets to eat gourmet food anytime she wants and he buys her orange things.

Why can’t real life be like those stories?

The point is, as a fan fiction writer I was insulted with how Stone displayed fandom.  How she stereotyped the people who write fandom.  From age shaming, fat shaming, to misfit shaming it was done, done, and done.

This is my mad Beagle fae.

This is my mad Beagle face.

You know, instead of mocking fandom, Stone would’ve better benefited herself if she showcased it.  Sure, she could’ve shown some of the bad parts, some of the more crazier parts, but fandom in general is multi-facet*.

But to be fair, practically everyone was horribly except for Xander and Liv and they were just perfect, much like Patty Beagle and Anderson Cooper.   But to be honest, unlike Panderson, Xander and Liv are just weird together.

On paper, Xander could be an interesting character.  I think this is one of the first love interests I read in YA that is bi, and he’s quirky.  Although, other than the fact he has a Dick Van Dyke British accent, is wicked hot, and likes to wear morning coats, we never really find out much else about him.  Oh, he had  a perfectly nice girlfriend in the story, but she’s quickly dumped for no reason and we’re told that Liv doesn’t like her.

As for Liv, she’s a bitch-and not in the same way that I’m a bitch.  She harbors a lot of hate for anyone and everyone who tells her that she needs to grow up, randomly hates girls because they’re prettier than her, and is just sort of a brat in general.

It seems like the author tries to compensate  for Liv’s obnoxiousness by having all of the minor characters-save for Xander’s mysteriously disappearing ex-girlfriend-be supreme asses.

None of these people were realistic at all.  Even characters who were  giving Liv good advice, like her mother and by extension her mother’s boyfriend-who reminded me of Shiloh’s evil ex-owner-were mean.

I mean, you wanted Shiloh’s twin sister and her CNN news anchor reporter owner to come in there and save the day.  But unlike Shiloh, you quickly remember that Liv is a horrible person and, well, you just go oh poop she can just stay with Judd.

Anyways, I don’t really thing there’s much else to say about this one except it almost seemed like a parody except it wasn’t a parody.  I think that I was supposed to ship Xander and Liv much like I ship Panderson, but I can’t.   And anytime I think about this book, I don’t get any feels I just get the poops.

Um yeah.

Thanks You,

Patty

 

*Side note,  I (MJ) wanted to mention that I’ve read a few fandom oriented books in YA in the past few years.  Unfortunately, none of them have lived up to expectations.

 

Blimey, That’s Foul: The Heir and the Spare by Emily Albright

Family can be complicated. Especially when skeletons from the past pop up unexpectedly. For American Evie Gray, finding out her deceased mother had a secret identity, and not one of the caped crusader variety, was quite the surprise. Evie’s mom had a secret life before she was even born, one that involved tiaras.

In this modern day fairytale, Evie is on a path to figure out who her mom really was, while discovering for herself what the future will hold. Charged with her late mother’s letters, Evie embarks on a quest into her past. The first item on the list is to attend Oxford, her mom’s alma mater. There, Evie stumbles upon a real life prince charming, Edmund Stuart the second Prince of England, who is all too happy to be the counterpart to her damsel in distress.

Evie can’t resist her growing attraction to Edmund as they spend more time together trying to unravel the clues her mother left behind. But, when doubts arise as to whether or not Edmund could ever be with an untitled American, what really ends up unraveling is Evie’s heart. When Evie uncovers all the facts about her mom’s former life, she realizes her mom’s past can open doors she never dreamed possible, doors that can help her be with Edmund. But, with everything now unveiled, Evie starts to crack under the pressure of new family responsibilities and the realization that her perfect prince may want her for all the wrong reasons.

Source: GoodReads

Warning: To all anglophiles ignore the brilliant looking cover.  And carry on and watch something on Acorn (might I recommend Doc Martin).   Or if you like British “royalty” stories just watch What a Girl Wants.  And now I turn the blogging over to my dearest sweetest coblogger, Patricia Cake Beagle.

A new year and a new book for me to review.

How was your Christmas?

Mine sucked all I got were a lot of Christmas bows tied around my neck while the yappy Chihuahas and terriers got a Bark Box subscription.

Patty Bows

They suck.

Like this book.

I still don’t get why I have to review the sucky books.  I should be reviewing something fun like that Lucy the Beagle series-though it should’ve been called Patty the Beagle because that would’ve been a lot more interesting.  I mean, I know my life isn’t as interesting as certain Beagle Youtube starrs (come on, MJ, get me a ball pit already you know it would be spectacular), but I deserve better than this book.

It is a travesty to my Beagley English heritage.

The premises looks exciting.  I mean, it’s something I can relate too.  Finding out that you have this wonderfully spectacular hidden legacy that is so me.

And yeah, it hasn’t technically been revealed that I’m related to Uno or Ms. P but it’s bond to happen one day.  Much like little Miss Evie found out she’s related to a duchess.

Note, my name used to be Duchess  before MJ’s mom changed it.  She said it made me sound like I worked at a brothel in one of the Catherine Coulter books that she used to read in the old west.

As if.

You’re probably seeing a pattern of digression in this review, it’s because this book was so boring and just poorly written. Basically it can be summed up like this: Evie falls in love with a Prince Harry wannabe-who’s hair in blonde and lacks personality.  And, oh yeah, she might be related to British royalty.

The thought that she might be closely related to Eddie never pops in her mind.  Obviously, someone needs to get their AKC papers-or would it be UKC since she’s in the UK in this book-and have them checked before they do any breeding.

Again, digressing.

The point is this is a book that focuses on how the girl gets the guy, even though Edmund slobbers over her for most of the book and has a personality like a stoned Chow Chow.

Seriously, he’s not that big of a catch.  Not like my current crush who is king of his dog park.  And has his very own ball pit.

I bet Eddie doesn’t have his own ball pit.

To be fair, Evie, doesn’t have much of a personality either.  For a character that is supposedly smart enough to get into Oxford-as a transfer undergrad for that matter-she should be a walking brain.  But instead, she acts like one of those girls on I want to Marry Harry.

So stupid.

Can I have a Milkbone and go back to sleep now?

Apparently not.   This reviewed has been deemed “insufficient” by my ingrate of an owner.  I am supposed to talk about how arcane the book is when it comes to women and womens’ relationships with each other.  Because apparently, the main character likes to insult other women about their boobs.  Having boobs=evil.  Which doesn’t make sense to me because doesn’t the main character have boobs?

I am so confused now.

I am also to discuss the lack of research about Britain their education system, and how the aristocracy works.  But whatever.

Long story short, don’t read this if you actually care about this sort of stuff.  It is a nice decorative book though, so that has to count for something.  Right?

Overall Rating: A big fat F it is so bad the Beagle had to review it.

 

 

Patty Beagle Presents: When Stephenie Meyer Hit the Find and Replace Button

Celebrate the tenth anniversary of Twilight! This special double-feature book includes the classic novel, Twilight, and a bold and surprising reimagining, Life and Death, by Stephenie Meyer.

Packaged as an oversize, jacketed hardcover “flip book,” this edition features nearly 400 pages of new content as well as exquisite new back cover art. Readers will relish experiencing the deeply romantic and extraordinarily suspenseful love story of Bella and Edward through fresh eyes.

Twilight has enraptured millions of readers since its first publication in 2005 and has become a modern classic, redefining genres within young adult literature and inspiring a phenomenon that has had readers yearning for more. The novel was a #1 New York Times bestseller, a #1USA Today bestseller, a Time magazine Best Young Adult Book of All Time, an NPR Best-Ever Teen Novel, and a New York Times Editor’s Choice. The Twilight Saga, which also includes New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella, and The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide, has sold nearly 155 million copies worldwide.

Source: GoodReads

Once upon a time, a  woman made millions by writing a self-insert fantasy based on a dream she had where a super glamorous version of her made out with Henry Cavil* in a meadow.

I was not that woman.

Hurricane Patty

Adorable, cute, perfect. All of these descriptions describe yours truly.

For one thing, if I was going to write about my dreams it would involve me being the only puppy in my house-no pesky Chihuahuas or terriers-and eating a big juicy steak.  There would be no vampires because, ew, drinking blood is nasty.

Alas, no one is interested in hearing the fantasies of a perfectly sweet and demure Beagle.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you people.  Especially when said woman ten years later publishes the same book but hits find and replace on all the pronouns making all the sires bitches and all the bitches sires.

That is just so confusing.

Oh, it could be interesting.  Like you know if there was really a purpose other than changing the genders, BUT there was no purpose.

Instead, it just showed how archaic Ms. Meyer’s views of gender are.

Yes, 2005 was ten years ago but gender norms haven’t really evolved that much in ten years ago.  At least not to the extent that Stephenie Meyer would like you to think.

Take for instance the author’s note that deals with the non-gender swap between Charlie and Renee.  Back in the late 80’s early 90’s according to Meyer, bio-daddies weren’t likely to get sole custody unless the mother was a crack head.

Um, nope.

Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.

Times infinity.

This legal beagle knows from her owner’s family law case books and life stories, that plenty of single men raised their kids  back then.  The court doesn’t look at gender generally speaking, and there are plenty other excuses besides the fact that Charlie-who I will rename Charlene could’ve not had primary custody of Beau.  But whatever.

This comes from the same woman that thinks boy’s can’t be raped.  Obviously, she did not watch the two plus year old story on One Life to Live where crazy Margret kidnapped Not Todd Manning and we were forced to endure the year long pregnancy slash baby napping of their son.  Then again, a lot of people don’t get that men can be raped.  Just ask the characters Graham and Robin Hood on Once Upon a Time.  It’s really sad though, that this can’t be addressed and instead Beau and Royal (what a stupid ass name, not even my call name HRH The Pretty Precious Princess, is that ridiculous).

Me while reading this.

Me while reading this.

Even little issues like Bonnie (used to be Billy) not going fishing with Charlie because it isn’t manly and Beau fainting because he has vasovagal syncope-a disorder that might my owner add mainly affects women, she would know because she was handed a handout for said disorder because she  suffers from it-which they proceed to make bad jokes about for half a chapter because heaven forbid Beau faints because he can’t stand blood because he’s a boy.

It’s funny how “traditional” Meyer is with her use on gender.  I say traditional becuase many of what are proclaimed to be traditional gender norms, aren’t really that traditional.  Like the color pink.  Up until the relative recent past, it was commonly worn by boys rather than girls.  And one of MJ’s annoying baby Chihuahua puppies name is Pinky.   And yes, he’s a he.

Pinky the annoying puppy.

Pinky the annoying puppy.  Brainy the annoying puppy is in the background.

So there, Meyer, the so called gender norms you believe in nobody buys it.  See Pinky the annoying Chihuahua for Exhibit A.

Most of Life and Death consisted of Meyer retelling Twilight where Beau likes the color blue better and still cooks Charlie lasagna, but eats it all instead of waxing about not having a bite.

Seriously, it’s lasagna, Charlie.  Everyone loves lasagna.

Well, cartoon orange cats and beagles like it.

Anyway, Charlie throws a hissy fit.  Which I think is so over the top because I eat the last bites of lasagna-or really anything that I’m allowed to eat all the time.

That’s the main difference between this and Twilight, besides the ending which is probably the best part about this book.

If Twilight only ended this way then we wouldn’t have three sequels.  Okay, so Meyer kind of half asses the ending, but it’s a better ending.  Feels much more realistic since no one turns into a pervert, there’s no baby Loch Ness monster, and Beau actually has to deal with (gasp) consequences.

Albeit, the consequences don’t last that very long.

And Beau is like I don’t give a damn I have ultra skinny vampire girlfriend to keep me happy.

It’s truly disturbing how Edythe’s attractiveness is described by her extreme thinness.  I don’t know what Meyer is thinking.  I am a corpulent Beagle and am still considered to be very, very, cute.  Adorable.  Except when there are baby Chihuahuas involved.

I hate baby Chihuahuas.

They ruin everything.  Do you know I have to spend most of my days outside now?  Who wants to do that?  And they poop on my bed-oh, the indignity.

Bed Patty

My bed has been defiled!

The point is, Edythe is like a baby Chihuahua unreal looking.  And that means she sucks*.

You know who I kept thinking Edythe was throughout Lady Edith from Downton Abbey.  Except Lady Edith isn’t stupid enough to spell her name that way or become a vampire.

Vampires suck.

That’s one of the lessons I learned from this book because, you know, you have to learn a lesson from every book you read.

Really though anyone should just skip this because this book is just so bad, I’m not even interested in it even though I got some much needed attention (meaning, more food).  Originally my owner wanted to write an article about gender in YA, but after reading this she couldn’t because she told me it was a book so bad it would be like kicking a puppy to write a review.  Hence, why I am discussing it.

I’ll go back to being tormented by those evil Chihuahuas now.  Look at what my life’s become….le sigh.

Thank You,

Patty Beagle

*Patty states Henry Cavil, because he was the choice Meyer originally had in mind to play Edward before being deemed too old.

*Note I disagree with Patty, personally I think baby Chihuahuas are adorable and don’t look anything like the Cullens.

Grumpy Cat Move Over I’m Grumpy Beagle: Starry Night by Isabel Gillies

Sometimes one night can change everything. On this particular night, Wren and her three best friends are attending a black-tie party at the Metropolitan Museum of Art to celebrate the opening of a major exhibit curated by her father. An enormous wind blasts through the city, making everyone feel that something unexpected and perhaps wonderful will happen. And for Wren, that something wonderful is Nolan. With his root-beer-brown Michelangelo eyes, Nolan changes the way Wren’s heart beats. In Isabel Gillies’s Starry Night, suddenly everything is different. Nothing makes sense except for this boy. What happens to your life when everything changes, even your heart? How much do you give up? How much do you keep? 

Source: GoodReads

I’ll have you know, I’m a highly educated Beagle.

Smart Beagles wear glasses like me.

Smart Beagles wear glasses like me.

While I might’ve flunked out of obedience school-because seriously, who actually wants to sit when there’s food in front of them-I do know how to read and write (obviously).  And I have made a living out out of simply being cute, I bet you can’t do that.

I will say right now, that if I Patricia Cakes Beagle ever tried to write a book it would be better than Starry Night.

The sad thing is, any author should’ve been able to handle the plot.  It’s simply idiotic girl meets idiotic boy with a half a page devoted to his description-so yeah, obviously they get together.

His beauty, and cool-guy vibe that I had not yet encountered in real life, only in movies, assaulted me.  He was tall, taller than me.  He had once-my-hair-was-normal-boy-length-but-I-let-it-grow-out=lie-two-years-ago long choppy brown hair that fell below his shoulders.  His bangs were studied.  He swept them to the side with his hand, tucking them up and around his ear, which had a perfectly, round, small golden hoop imbedded in it.  When he tilted his head ever so slightly forward, his bangs fell off his ear and covered his enormous root-beer-brown eyes.  His eyes looked Italian, like Michelangelo eyes, big lids, soft.  Can you picture those?  Have you ever seen Michelangelo’s David?  This boy had eyes form the Renaissance, and they were looking right at me (40-41).

By the way, I didn’t know that root beer was soooo appealing.  Personally, I prefer Denta Chews or Bacon.  But beggars can’t be choosers.  And why does everyone like a statue?  Seriously, what’s so sexy about…oh yeah, that Nutcracker book that MJ was trying to get a court order to erase from her brain-forgot about that.

So….the romance sucked….was there something to make this book redeemable.  How about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Our parents called us the Turtles because turtles lay so many eggs at one time (5).

Oh, wait wrong turtles.  But can those turtles please come to this review.  I’m hungry and I want pizza.  But MJ says I can’t have pizza because Thanksgiving was last week and I had too much turkey.

I really don’t know how she expects me to review this book. I NEEED pizza.

Moving on.  So, the Turtles are her friends via that quote.  We don’t know much about them other than the fact one’s dating a thirty year old, I thought one was a boy for the longest time, one is sort of related to her, and…that’s about it.

So, bad characters.  Little to no plot.  Is there anything redeemable about it?

I know, New York.  I love New York.  They have thin crust pizza….oh yeah, pizza.  This Beagle wants some pizza with extra pepperoni.  It’s been too long since my owner now can only eat nasty gluten free pizza (the crust is just lacking).

However, you really didn’t feel the city in the book.  Instead, you hear patronizing rich people talk.

“I get really proud of him at things like this.  He started out as  a school cook.”

“That’s impressive, man.  See-you have to pay your dues.” (90)

Oh yes, you should be proud of yourself for working for that money-rolls eyes at patronizing rich people in book who live off of their trust fund.  In fact, the narrator basically tells us this at one point.

The real reason why we live in a big house and have all those beautiful things is not only because y father has an important job, it’s also because long ago, back in Holland, my great-grandfather made a boatload of money as a banker.  That money is why we can live where we live in New York City, and why most of my family can work in the arts (50)

You know what, they remind me of: Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. Take this conversation I had at the dog park with one dog named, Sparky.

Rich dogs. Annoying lot they are.

Sparky: Is that a new sweater, Patty?

Patty: Yes.

Sparky: Well, it’s darling.  Where’s it from PetSmart?

Patty: Um, yeah.  That’s where I get all my clothes.

Sparky: Snickers Of course.

Do you see how this is NOT or amusing?  I didn’t wear my dot sweater for months after said incident.  I hope Sparky gets doggy diarrhea from his rich pet food.

Um, where was I in this review.  Oh yes, so NYC location was sort of ruined because of the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel cast.

In addition to these things, I couldn’t get over the prose. The style is ridiculously on the aggravating side.  A French Bulldog could write more eloquent and we all know how smart they are….

“Reagan is so sophisticated. Her mom has spoken to her like she was a thirty year old since she was three. My parents practically still sing me lullabies.” (12)

In addition to sneer inducing prose, this book committed some major grammar faux pas for a final copy.  Seriously, dialogue for different characters needs to be in different paragraph.  Having it in the same paragraph, makes the book difficult to read and is just annoying.

I remember him saying at dinner, “Nan, love, it’s a wonderful life experience  for her. I don’t see how we can stand in her way.”  My mother protested.  “I can stand directly in her way David.  She is only NINE!” (27)

Book, what makes you feel special enough to ignore the rules of grammar. I can’t even do that and I’m like adorable.

Overall Rating:

Um, yeah I’m laughing because I give this book a big paws down.  An F in DNF.

Thanks You,

Patty

I’d Rather Take a Nap: Wildflower by Alecia Whitaker

 

The best songs come from broken hearts.

Sixteen-year-old Bird Barrett has grown up on the road, singing backup in her family’s bluegrass band, and playing everywhere from Nashville, Tennesee to Nowhere, Oklahoma. One fateful night, Bird fills in for her dad by singing lead, and a scout in the audience offers her a spotlight all her own.

Soon Bird is caught up in a whirlwind of songwriting meetings, recording sessions, and music video shoots. Her first single hits the top twenty, and suddenly fans and paparazzi are around every corner. She’s even caught the eye of her longtime crush, fellow roving musician Adam Dean. With Bird’s star on the rise, though, tradition and ambition collide. Can Bird break out while staying true to her roots?

In a world of glamour and gold records, a young country music star finds her voice.

Source: GoodReads

Apparently, I have to review another sucky book.

I don’t get why I never get to review good books.  But MJ says I can only read kick the puppy worthy books.  Books that are so bad, you almost feel bad about reviewing them poorly.

Whatever.  If that’s what I have to do, I’ll do it.

DSC02191

This is my typical reading expression. Obviously, I am NOT happy.

This  book involves country music.

I like country music because it’s normally associated with barbecue, apple pie, and anything yummy (like chicken fried steak).  It seems this book forgets how yummy country music can be and it just made me want to go to Patty sleepy sleep time.

I mean, the plot is pretty simple.  Which isn’t exactly a bad thing if the book had more to offer.  I like simplicity.  But the book lacked spunk, really anything out of the ordinary.  You had a Taylor Swift wannabe who wanted to become a star.  And one snap and then she had it.

And everyone praised her.  They were like.

Bird you sound good.
Bird you’re pretty.

Bird you’re going to be the next Miley Cyrus-though I don’t think anyone in their right mind should want to be Miley Cyrus.  She’s forever compromised my view of stuffed animals.  And that’s sad because I love my Ricky Raccoon.

Screw you, Miley.

But back to Bird, no struggle to fame.  It was easy peasey.  Just play in your family van traveling round the country and then get a record deal.

It’s odd her family can make so much money  to play full time, even though they have no record deal.  MJ’s dad used to belong to multiple bands, but that didn’t mean that they traveled round the country in the RV.  And he still had to work his day job so that his family could eat.

You know, it’s sad when a Beagle notices the lack of logic a book has.

Same with the whole playing the fiddle versus a guitar thing.  I mean, I know that my human has spent years perfecting one instrument.  You can’t simply pick up another instrument and be Taylor Swift.

Well, Bird can.

And she’s so perfect.  As I was told for three hundred pages.

But not as perfect as me.

I never had to get a requisite makeover scene.  I’ve kept my natural copper ears, big brown eyes, and pretty tri-color coat all my life and everyone at the park calls me cute.  Bird has to get her hair dyed and a lot of spa treatments to make her booty-iful

And you know, everyone including the boy who just kind of pity talked to her before is like oooh Bird you’re so cute.   Even a movie star randomly flirts with her-though that’s a PR stunt but…

I didn’t know getting a beauty makeover could make such a difference.  Obviously, my natural beauty has clogged the power of the makeover idea.

Let’s talk about Bird.  We know she’s pretty (well, now at least) and she’s wonderful.  But what else do we know about her?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I even know more about the Pomeranian next door than I do Bird.

She’s really boring, Bird not the Pomeranian.  I mean, she always does the right thing to the point it’s sickening sweet.  And then when her manager yells at her….but Bird is right of course and gets rewarded by trending on Twitter.

Oh yes, trending on Twitter is all that.

Well, the book makes it seem like the pinnacle of success.

Not a Grammy, but trending on Twitter.

Good to know.

As for the romance…Adam and the actor guy.

Well, the actor guy is an obvious plant.  You can’t even like him if you wanted to.  Because there’s nothing there.

And Adam, he lacked a personality.  Before Bird got hot he only sort of pity liked her.  Well, it came off as pity like.  And when she became hot he totally cried even though she had a good reason for doing what she did.

He’s such a weasel breath.

MJ really wanted to give this book a higher rating.  It really wouldn’t have been that hard.  All Bird had to do was to have a semblance of a personality and not obsess over a dead fish.

Overall Rating: It fails to amuse me.  F.

Do Judge a Book by Its Cover: To the Dogs

Note: If you’re interested in joining in on this feature.  Please, sign up for the meme on the Do Judge a Book By Its Cover Meme page I made. Or just click here.

This month’s theme is in honor of the dog days of summer.  So, essentially, all the covers or summaries had to be pooch related.  To make this theme more authentic, I decided to have Patty Beagle write the feature this month.

DSC02342

Patty Beagle, better known as the adorable camera hog.

 

What Patty Thinks: It’s a crazy Cesar Millan wannabe who’s walking like thirty dogs.  How degrading.  And claustrophobic.  Not to mention the guy with the ponytail should try to watch where he’s going I bet that bulldog left him a present.  Note, when I go on a walk I only go by myself.  I refuse to walk in a pack.  It’s soooo humiliating.  I guess Ponytail Poo Boy and the Cesar Millan wannabe will probably get together by the way they’re eyeing each other.  And maybe Poo Boy has a treat in his pocket.  I mean, why else would his hands be in there?

What the Cover Says:

Romance can be ruff….

Alana loves her dog-walking job, but it blows her mind to see how pampered these pooches are. Her newest clients actually feed their poodle steak and treat her to massages at a doggie spa! Alana can’t make heads or tails of why anyone would do this—or why she complains to hunky handyman Connor and not her boyfriend, Sammy.

When Sammy starts keeping her on an awfully tight leash, Alana wonders whether Connor might be a better match for her. But Alana’s puppy love comes to a screeching halt when she learns that Connor isn’t who she thought he was. Is Alana barking up the wrong tree with him, too?

Source: GoodReads

 

Patty’s Verdict: Um, no.  Cartoons are better on TV.  And seriously, as a dog this book is no bueno.

 

 

What Patty Thinks:  Grant Dane, Ferdinand, is annoyed at his owner, Holly.  She refuses to take his to KFC.  Instead, they have to go the park and sit there like they’re in a rom com.  Only guess what, Mr. Wonderful isn’t there.  If Holly would have some common sense she’d just go knock on the door next store.  The Boy Next Door has KFC and therefore, in Ferdinand’s  opinion he’s Mr. Right.

What the Book Is Really About:

To: You (you)
From: Human Resources (human.resources@thenyjournal.com)
Subject: This Book

Dear Reader,

This is an automated message from the Human Resources Division of the New York Journal, New York City’s leading photo-newspaper. Please be aware that according to our records you have not yet read this book. What exactly are you waiting for? This book has it all:

*Humor
*Romance
*Cooking tips
*Great Danes
*Heroine in peril
*Dolphin-shaped driftwood sculptures

If you wish to read about any of the above, please do not hesitate to head to the checkout counter, where you will be paired with a sales associate who will work to help you buy this book.

We here at the New York Journal are a team. We win as a team, and lose as one as well. Don’t you want to be on the winning team?

Sincerely,

Human Resources Division
New York Journal

Please note that failure to read this book may result in suspension or dismissal from this store.

*********This e-mail is confidential and should not be used by anyone who is not the original intended recipient. If you have received this e-mail in error please inform the sender and delete it from your mailbox or any other storage mechanism.*********

Source: GoodReads

Patty’s Verdict: I like Ferdinand.  Not so much Holly.  I don’t know what they’re suppose to be looking at.

 

 

What Patty Thinks: There have been murders by a supposed wolf pact made by wolves.  But the fantastic who done it solver, Patricia C Beagle, knows better.  She is now going to solve the case with her faithful sidekick, MJ, and figured out who murdered the red headed lady. Hopefully, there will be no Milkbones to distract her.

The closest I have to a detective costume (unfortunately).

The closest I have to a detective costume (unfortunately).

What the Book is Really About:

From the bestselling author of Blue Bloods, comes a series that will reinvent the myth of the werewolf in the same way that Blue Bloods did with vampires—with style and NYC flair!

Lawson and his brothers escaped from the underworld and now lead desperate, dangerous lives. They’re pursued by the Hounds of Hell from one town to the next, never calling any place home. But when the hounds finally catch up with them and capture the girl Lawson loves, the hunters become the hunted. Lawson will stop at nothing to track down the hounds, even if the chances of saving Tala are slim…

The only hope he has lies in Bliss Llewellyn. Bliss, too, has lost someone to the beasts and will do anything to get them back—even if it means joining forces with the insolent, dangerously good-looking boy with a wolf’s soul.

Source: GoodReads

Patty’s Verdict: Seriously, that red hair is fake.  And I would so solve that case within three pages.  I am an ace detective beagle after all.

What Patty Thinks: There’s something about the moon that just makes me vocal.  You know, why?  Moon people.  And that so is a moon person there.  Moon people are weird.  And evil.  That’s why  we bark to warn you.  Someone needs to do something about this moon person.  Where’s Underdog when you need him?

What the Books Is Actually About:

Phaet Theta has lived her whole life in a colony on the Moon. She’s barely spoken since her father died in an accident nine years ago. She cultivates the plants in Greenhouse 22, lets her best friend talk for her, and stays off the government’s radar.

Then her mother is arrested.

The only way to save her younger siblings from the degrading Shelter is by enlisting in the Militia, the faceless army that polices the Lunar bases and protects them from attacks by desperate Earth-dwellers. Training is brutal, but it’s where Phaet forms an uneasy but meaningful alliance with the preternaturally accomplished Wes, a fellow outsider.

Rank high, save her siblings, free her mom:  that’s the plan. Until Phaet’s logically ordered world begins to crumble…

Suspenseful, intelligent, and hauntingly prescient, Dove Arising stands on the shoulders of our greatest tales of the future to tell a story that is all too relevant today.

Source: GoodReads

Patty’s Verdict: See.  Moon people.

 

What Patty Thinks: A brave Beagle must battle an evil murderous Yorkie set on pushing her off of her pink pool floatie and drowning her to death.  Will brave little Patricia Cakes survive (of course I will) and I kick some Yorkie butt while I’m at it.

What the Book Is Actually About:

 Success hasn’t spoiled screenwriter Lou Calabrese — it’s just given her a taste for luxury. And it’s put her in some bizarre situations — like in a helicopter en route to the wilds of Alaska, sharing too-close quarters with the last man she wants to be with: Jack Townsend! Once a sexy nobody whom Lou helped make a somebody, Jack’s just been dumped by a high-profile Hollywood airhead — who’s eloped with Lou’s longtime love! So what else could go wrong?

Well…

Their pilot could try to shoot the most adored man in America. They could crash land in the icy, mountainous middle of nowhere. And at the worst possible moment, when survival should be their only consideration, Jack could start wondering if maybe he wasn’t a wee bit too hasty for not giving this sexy screenwriter a second look — while Lou could start noticing how superstar Jack is kind of hot after all …

Source: GoodReads

Verdict: This cover really scares me.  I’ve had bad experiences with Yorkies so even though MJ thinks they’re just downright adorable I’d rather hang out with a Rat Terrier and that’s saying something since Dolly really scares me.

Evil terriers, though slightly less evil than Yorkies.

Evil terriers, though slightly less evil than Yorkies.

 

Coming in September: Top Fall Covers.

Patty Beagle Presents a Drinking Game: Tiger’s Curse by Collen Houck

 

Well, I was told I had to write another review.  But this one involves drinking.

Yay!

I love drinking.  Even though I’m technically not allowed to have beer.  That sort of sucks that I’m not allowed to because it taste delicious.  But when MJ said I could review Tiger’s Curse which is the series she chose for her 2014 Awful Book series challenge I was like go me because it involved drinking.

DSC02298

The things I do when I get drunk.

So what’s this book about: A girl falls in love with a tiger despite the fact that she probably seemed like a Big Mac (I love Big Mac’s) to him and fortunately for her he turns out to be a prince with perfect clothes.

I mean, that would be awkward a tiger human relationship, could you imagine being with someone who might eat you?  Well, I sort of can.  My friend the Parson Russell Terrier had a pet lizard and it ended up being, well, my lunch.

You see, you just don’t become friends or for that matter special friends with something that will eat you.  But that’s all Kelsey talked about was her tiger.

Case in point:

Those eyes.  They were mesmerizing.  They stared right into me, almost as if the tiger was examining my soul. (27)

MJ says if I drank every time the tiger human love was going on, I would have to see the man with the bushy eyebrows.

I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like bushy eyebrows man.

Besides, its ridiculous premises the book suffers from a lot of other problems.  I think it needed what they call a reality check.  Like how does someone with no training, no education get a job at the circus.  Let alone a job at the circus working with a tiger ( a huge liability).  But little Ms. Tiger Lover gets the job without even an interview.

Adopting a pet isn’t even that easy.

I know too much stuff about Kelsey like five thousand descriptions of her clothes, how she wears her hair, and how she’s fascinated with airplane bathrooms.  Really, they could’ve spent those seventy-five or so pages talking about me. I mean, I am so much interesting.  You could spend, for example, an entire day talking about my eyes.  They’re so long.  They’re so copper.  They’re so wonderful.  Why talk about someone’s french braid for five whole pages when they could’ve talked about ME.

This world so doesn’t make sense.

Really, I didn’t want to know much about Kelsey.  She talks like Dora the Explorer-meaning like a robot.  Every question she asked was for info dump purposes her crush on the princey, well, I think my parents had a more romantic relationship than those two.

And I think the emotional maturity is similar to these two too.

Though they did have romantic moments when he was a tiger.

Alas, animal/human love is icky.

For us animals.  I’m sure some of you humans find it to be a wonderful thing.

Shudders.

I also was really excited when I heard that this book took place in India.  Despite what my owner thinks, I would love to travel.  I know I seem like a total homebody, but this Beagle watches the traveling channel.  However, I barely felt I was in India when I read this book.  Heck, I felt like this India was more or less a compilation of the local Indian food restaurant that Houk eats at and some Bollywood films.  Oh, and Indiana Jones.

Honestly, Indiana Jones had a much more complimentary view of Indian culture than this book.  It was like Houk had totally forgotten that India is in the modern world too.  And based on some of the comments that Kelsey made I think she forgot too.

It’s actually obnoxious and ethnocentric.

Yay!  Another reason to get drunk.

It’s actually really sad.  Here is a country that has a rich history and mythology that has really been untapped, and Houk does nothing but shit on it.  Even a couple of Google searches can prove that Houk knows nothing when it comes to India and its mythology.

Also, really, does everyone have to speak with a horrible accent.  I get that Hagrid and a few other characters from Harry Potter do.  But that’s Harry Potter and like that author can do whatever she wants.

The only person allowed to speak with an accent

I think a lot of authors don’t realize that they aren’t JK Rowling.

So, to sum it up if you want the top five quickest ways to get drunk on this one you can drink every time:

1) Anytime Kelsey talks about the way she looks (this includes her hair, clothes, or really anything else).

2) Anytime Kelsey describes another character.  Take another shot every time they are described having some sort of jewel tone for eyes.  Or a particular horrible description that makes you cringe.

3)  Anytime India is described in offensive over the top Princess Diaries 2 type of way.

4) Anytime Kelsey seems to have more feelings for the tiger than the prince

5) Anytime Kelsey surprisingly saves the day despite being a moron.

This is just one of those books that has an immense amount of potential, but in the end it just falls flat on its face.  The only good thing to do with it is to get drunk.  My owner couldn’t even be bothered to review it in the end, because she just  that bad. The worst thing is that this was popular enough to get a movie deal.   While currently IMDB has nothing regarding casting, the release dated is slated for 2015.  So, it could happen.

Overall Rating: F, but yes we’ll be reading and reviewing the sequel.

 

Patty Beagle Presents: Frozen by Melissa de la Cruz

Hi, my name is Patricia “Patty” Cakes Beagle.  I’m the cutest puppy in the universe.  My favorite color is orange and I like to eat table scraps all day long when not rolling in something stinky/biting my owner’s feet.  I am also a voracious reader-yes, I’m literate.   You see, I wear reading glasses and my owner let’s me listen to audio books.

She’s also letting me review this book called Frozen because she said it wouldn’t be right if she reviewed it because it would be like kicking a puppy and I can review it without repercussions  ’cause I am  a puppy.

Okay, so I suppose I should start out this review with a brief summary about the book because that’s more difficult than it seems because even I couldn’t figure out what hte book was about without reading the back jacket.  Basically there’s this girl who’s hiding out because she’s different and she meets this hot guy and they eat bacon fruit together while going on Peter Pan’s Flight at the Magic Kingdom.  
 
 
OOOH, bacon fruit.  You know how we dogs get around bacon.
 
I love bacon.  The idea of bacon being in fruit intrigues me.  But it better not be grapes since I have to go to that evil man with the bushy eyebrows if that’s the case.  He pumped my stomach the other year when I ate a whole bag of chocolate.
 
I still have bad memories about that.  I mean, Valentine’s Day you’re supposed to share your candy, MJ.  And you should tell your friends to give you stuff that’s not going to make me have to see bushy eyebrows man.
 
Some owners suck.
 
Okay, back to the book.  Despite the fact it has this amazing bacon fruit, the rest is really a downer and I can’t make much sense of it.  So there are these two characters, Wes and Nat, who think they’re like hot stuff.  They say it all the time.  But they’re not.  I’m hot stuff, I’m cute.  I know what cute is.  They aren’t. I don’t go around telling people how sexy I am, instead I exhibit my cuteness in daily activities like barking.
 
I don’t even know why they’re in love.  Seriously, my parents relationship made more sense then there’s and I was bred for show.  That should tell you everything you need to know about Wet’s chemistry.  And Nat can sort of turn into an animal (I think) that’s sort of bad-animals aren’t supposed to be touched that way by humans.  But I guess since that wolf guy on Twilight got with Bella (sort of) it’s okay.
 
No, I don’t think so still a little disturbing especially since the creature’s voice is in her head and she’s like crazy Bliss Llewllyn but it’s a dragon not Lucifer that’s in her head (still creepy). 
 
Oh God, Bliss Llewllyn.  The beginning of Melissa de la Cruz’s destruction (my owner told me to put that in here).  I’m supposed to tell you about how Wolf Pact was the beginning of the obvious fall from grace from de la Cruz.  Though really the Blue Bloods series started declining after the fourth book and her last few books-non Blue Bloods related have sort of sucked too which is whyFrozen was MJ’s last shot in continuing her favorite buy me automatically relationship with Melissa de la Cruz.
 
Yeah, needless to say MJ is distraught right now.  Hence why I’m reviewing, bitches.
 
Ha!  Ha!  That’s actually funny because I’m a bitch.
 
It’s dog humor. I don’t expect you lame humans to get it.
 
Let me continue with the book.  Oh, the world building.  I couldn’t tell you what the heck was going on.  Things were just sort of thrown at you.  I think it was supposed to be like if Tank Girl and Peter Pan had a baby and it mutated with YA dystopia, but with better hair.
 
That’s really the only way I can describe it.  
 
The book is just really a weird piece of shit.  The grammar was awful and MJ thinks it was done on purposes.  It starts off with a weird prologue where the writer looks like they know nothing about comma rules.  Having read enough fan fiction, MJ was able to put on her filter pretty quick and read.  But it still was jarring.  She’d rather not blame the newbie author in this (de la Cruz’s husband who ghostwrote/created the Blue Bloods series because that’s not fair), but these mistakes were something that one with an MFA should be able to pick up on quite easily.  There were also some paragraphs where multiple lines of dialogue by multiple characters were listed.  Once again, bad choice of style, or were the Penguin staff eating too many Twinkies when editing this one.
 
I mean, a dog sees these errors.
 
A dog.
 
A purebred Beagle, but still a dog.
 
For all you “fans” of tropes get ready to be delighted there’s big info dumps, big insta love, and big slut slamming, all thrown into one full fun book.  
 
MJ used to praise de la Cruz for her world builidng, now it’s on the same level as PC and Kristin Cast.
 
The insta love was ridiculous.  It was one thing with Jack and Schuyler because there was build up and an explanation for the attraction but here.  Stupid……and the romance……god it reminded MJ of a bad Bollywood movie but with worse actors so you don’t even get the fun there.  And Wet as I said before no chemistry.  They’re pretty people, but once again I’m cuter.
 
Then there’s the slut slamming.  MJ told me she got to read this little gem in the book and I had to quote it because it made her blood pressure go up about ten points when she read it.
 

“It’s a miracle you passed the STD monitors-not with those girls from Ho Ho City!” de la Cruz and Johnston (Frozen, 80).

Not to mention they’ve never watched Carmen Sandiego to know the basic principles of geography-the Arctic Ocean isn’t off of the coast of California.  This really pisses off MJ because she was a dedicated viewer who always wanted to be on that show but didn’t get on it because it got canceled and all she got for her efforts was first runner up at her school’s geography bee.  Sucky prize for knowing where Maine and Washington are on the map.

 
Was anything good about this book, besides it being a good chew toy?

That wasn’t the only thing you had to suspend reality.  Several things about the Earth just didn’t make sense to someone like my owner who has an interest in the environment and has actually worked on environmental issues.  Plus, a lot of the things like the use of petroleum conflicted with what was said ten pages earlier.

At a certain point MJ just didn’t care anymore and started throwing me treats.

I liked that.

A lot.

Well, it’s not as horrid as Winds of Salem in some regards and the idea wasn’t bad.  The cover was gorgeous even though I had seen girl lying down with something covering parts of her head several times already in book published by de la Cruz.  My owner is really fed up though and is giving this book two stars on her own rating system, a half star on Booklikes, and one star on GoodReads.  I liked it though because of the treats.

But it sucks for you, peeps. 

Thanks you,

Patricia C. Beagle

P.S. You all agree that I’m like the cutest ever, right?

 

Patty Beagle Presents: Cursed by Ava Smith

 

Breaking News: I’m going to be MJ’s new co-blogger.  Because there are lots of books she can’t review ’cause she’d be kicking a puppy and well…I’m a puppy so it’s okay for me to review them.

Oh, I know.  Everyone loves me.  It doesn’t help that I’m going to be a puffin for Halloween the world’s cutest animal.  I love puffins.  Oh wait, MJ says my costume is of a toucan.

Damn it.

I told her I wanted to be a puffin.  It was a slam dunk win for the pet parade cutest pet contest.  Not that I won’t win anyway, but it would be so much easier if I was a puffin.

MJ says I need to stop whining.  That people find whining annoying.  But I think it’s cute.  And if she wants me reviewing this book for her.

Okay, I guess I have to do it.

But you better vote for me for cutest puppy.  And the contest better not be rigged like it was at her law school when she dressed me as Inmate Patty, I so know I deserved to win there instead of that cute fluffy dog.  Seriously, fluff balls are overrated.  So are the little dogs I live with….

MJ just gave me a milkbone to concentrate.  One of the things I hate to do is watch MJ’s sister practice for auditions especially when she’s practicing the Swine Lake (oh, MJ says it’s Swan).  I just think of birds which makes me think of my friend Daisy who’s a German Pointer ( a bird dog and my hunting buddy) and how we like to go to the pond and…it’s a ballet where birds are people and therefore Daisy and I can’t torment them.

So depressing.

This book is a modern retelling of that ballet without that freaky Natalie Portman lady in it, but I sort of wish she was since it would make the book a little bitty more tolerable.

As it stands now, all the characters are about as dull as my brown blanket which I really hate because it isn’t orange.

Oh, orange.

Sarah and Daniel though, they’re like Barbies pretty and perfect.  Oh, wait, Daniel was sort of stupid.  But men in YA or should I say NA since they are above the age of majority even though they act like toddlers.  Though they can’t help that they’re pretty and plastic much like I can’t help that I am emotionally crippled from being abandoned.  Seriously, how would you like being kicked out of your house without your orange blankie.

And so what if you’re new family got you about twenty new blankets, a house, and nursed you back to health when you were suffering from heartworms and a nasty kidney infection it was STILL your first orange blanket!

Yeah, they sort of suck as characters.  All I know about Sarah is that she’s pretty, though not as cute as me.  And Daniel is tall and likes to suck up his father’s money and is marrying some lady named Claudia who probably buys food that sucks (celery).

The ballet part though, surely, the ballet part made up the book?  I used to watch Bunheads with MJ and her sister every week until it got canceled.  As crappy as some of the episodes could be, the ballet and tidbits about ballet life made up for it.  The ballet life here reminds me of a lot how you’d think of ballerinas when you’re like four.  Sure, Sarah had feet that hurt but other than that.  No she wasn’t a prima ballerina.

I mean, who goes to matinées (cheap people or people with little kids).  The star of the show is usually less likely to show for a matinee than to the evening show.  And there is no way in hell a ballet company would let her get away with that shit. Especially if they want a profit to be made.  That’s just bad business sense.

Maybe that’s how Daniel could’ve solved the company’s problems, made Sarah work nights.

I am a genius….

And they talk about how the other Beagle knows her multiplication.  Well, I, Patty Beagle, figure out problems in books.   So screw you, PJ.

Besides, the very weak characters and research on ballet, the plot was weak almost non-existant.  Which is a shame because hello…Swan Lake was a tasty picture book.  I really loved it.  And MJ says she’s still mad at me about it because it was one of her cherished childhood books.

Oh, get over yourself, MJ.  Can’t you see my welfare is more important than a stinking book?

She is such a bad owner.

There’s really no world building whatsoever.  Sarah just turns into a bird swims around for awhile, makes a couple of bird shits, and then turns back into a human.  What about the Swan Maidens?  Or the enchanter?  Those things never make an appearance.  She and her uncle just go the lake turn to birds swim, shit, and turn back.  Oh, and they probably eat bird food too.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

So yeah, yawn fest.  It probably didn’t help that Smith has no comprehension of comma rules and I kept wondering is she was using Madonna English.  The book, set in the UK, really didn’t feel like it was in the UK despite the fact that there was some British English dropped in there.  But at the same time….I don’t know.

Was there anything nice to say about this one?

Um, it was short and you could borrow it for free, so no waste of money there.  But MJ is just tired of dealing with this.  Before she paid me off in snaps she was tempted to write an editorial about how Amazon should focus it’s efforts on making sure that its self pub program excepts on quality work.  Instead of, you know, banning books that talk about sex and are a little bit more violent than an episode of Batman.  Is it that difficult to believe that an author should either use a proofreader or be able to proficiently proofread his or her own work?

Apparently it is.

On the Patty scale of  horribleness I’m giving this one a two.  It took an interesting subject matter and shitted on it.  Sad thing is, there are worse books in the genre out there.