The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Revealed by PC and Kristin Cast

I have no self control.  I know House of Night year was 2013, but this one was mocking me at the library and I just had to read it.  I really don’t know why my library’s YA librarian has to pick out such rancid choices in reading for the youth in my community.  I really want to sit down and discuss some of these feature read choices she makes.  But I won’t.  I don’t want to get banned from there and quite frankly her choices are usually pretty good if you want to get tanked.

I swear my librarian is a demon. Hey, it could happen.

I don’t drink though when I do House of Night drinking games.  I like my liver too much and I found that the latest books are even worse than the previous ones, so getting polluted isn’t the smartest thing to do.  That being said if you wanted to get drunk on this book it wouldn’t be that difficult.

Sigh…

You know with a series this long, it gets difficult to know how to review each book.  So, I decided that for this particular review I”d try to theorize why this particular book is so bad.  I think that’s a valid review.  And I thought if you really wanted to have a drinking game to this installment you could take a drink every time the text is geared towards one of the following theories:

1)The Casts are treating the series as a drinking game themselves:

Another draft of HON complete!

I seriously had to wonder if the Casts were drunk when they wrote this.  A lot of the nonsense I read almost read like it was an inside joke of sorts.

Of course, being me being the conspiracy theorist I am (seriously, I think H2 needs to give me a show about deciphering the Casts, it would be much more interesting than that lame America Unearthed) I started believing that there was some sort of drinking game going on here.

It seemed almost as if they’d give themselves points for every time they randomly mentioned brown pop.  Every time Neferet walked around randomly naked or anytime Zoey gets told how special she is.  Having the random Captain Planet ritual also helps.

Being formulaic  doesn’t automatically equal terrible, but in the case of the House of Night it does.  I really don’t care that Zoey is obsessed with soda but never calls it by its real name, that Neferet is an exhibitionist, or that Zoey is the ultimate Mary Sue.  I guess I should be happy there wasn’t a regulation vocabulary lesson in this book…

You actually barely even noticed Damien’s existence in this one.

Really, most of the original cast is gone.  Save for Zoey and Stevie Rae and one of the twins.  But everyone else. Poof.  Prince Eric doesn’t even get a mer mention in this one (guess he finally found Ariel-took him long enough).  Even though a lot of these classic HON tropes were still in there, this book really did feel off. I just don’t know how to explain it. Anyway, I’m going to list some classic HON tropes below that support said theory:

  • Naked Neferet
  • Brown Pop
  • Zoey’s romantic life being viewed as overly complicated but oh so romantic
  • Melodramatic deaths
  • Funeral pyres
  • Grandma Redbird’s fucking lavender farm
  • Nuns hanging out with demons and not acting like nuns
  • Someone being arrested or accused of a crime

2) The Casts are seeing how much they can get away with while fulfilling their contract:

As I said previously, this HON book lacked heart.  And to be honest this isn’t the first book in the series that has been like this.  It’s been a steady decline since the fourth of fifth book, but there was something about this one that really seemed to me like the Casts gave up.

I blame a lot of it on abrupt pacing.  As I’ll mention in theory five there were a lot of moments that felt fake because of the nature they were written.  Instead of digging deeper into scenes, I just felt they were barely scraped by.  It really didn’t work and made the book feel sloppy.

A part of me wants to pacify the Casts and say that just planned too much for one series, but the thing about this series is that eighty-five percent of the books are nothing.  It really seems like they want to write another book so they can get another advance.  I’m not entirely blaming them, it’s good business sense, but why not move on to a new series.  This horse has been beaten way too many times.

Honestly, if you drank to this series expect to wake up in a hospital room.  As I said before I do not recommend alcohol if you want to play this game.

3) The Casts believe they’re edgy and/or are pushing a message:

This is an interesting thought.

But what’s the fucking message.  I ask this because this series really has a dual personality sometimes its trying to be grossly immature borderline elementary  and sometimes it’s just being nasty to the extreme.  I decided to pull out two sections that I’ll use to illustrate this:

Appealing to the Kiddos:

I went to he drink bar and filled up my glass of brown pop-fully leaded- with caffein -calling back to him, ‘Not six-nine..  That’s when I made up the psaghetti madness song.’ I cleared my throat and launched into  ‘Pa-sghe-ti, pa-sghe-ti’ and even did the psaghetti dance the way to the booth. (63)

 

For the X Rated Crowd:

‘Shiiiit!  I knew you two were abnormally close.  You did fuck her!  And she didn’t even tell me.  That’s a damn shame.  The three of us, we could’ve had a good time.’ (180).

Do you see why I’m perplexed?  I really don’t get it.  I have tried from book to book, but they just keep getting stranger and stranger.  Especially with Neferet.  I honestly skip over her section now because she is a pathetic villain who the Casts try to demonize her by sexualizing her which really just has me rolling my eyes.  But then again what do expect by someone who writes this

‘So you’re used to scaring human girls into giving you some cash?’ What total jerks!

The second guy shrugged. ‘If a girl don’t want to be scared she shouldn’t be out here alone.’ (291)

4) The Casts actually have a target audience that these books works for:

Clearly the targeted age group for HON.

I really don’t know who the target audience is.

Do I know who reads these books?

Yeah, I sort of do.  More often than not readers started the series when they were young and naive and kept reading them as a guilty pleasure series. Many of them though, eventually gave up on the series or some continued it for the pure snark value like I do.  I really dont’ know anyone who read them because they find the books to be genuinely good, though I’m sure there are some people out there that find them to be quality books.

And that’s fine.  That’s their prerogative.  You can’t judge them for that, much like they can’t judge me for hating them.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion.  But based on the series here’s what I think this sort of person would be:

  • A sheltered individual: Most likely the person who would read this series and like it would have no real life experiences that they could call the Cast on their bull shit.
  • A romantic: Probably a fan of the Twilight Saga to be honest.  Let’s face it, the series was written around the same time Twilight  was published and the vampires were probably inserted to appeal to that audience.  I think that’s the only reason for the love drama in this series.  To be honest, as the Twilight craze has wane so has the romance in these books.  True, Zoey shags a couple of guys in basically every book but it’s more or less just a part of her routine.
  • A person who doesn’t read a lot: I hope this doesn’t sound elitist.  I really hope it doesn’t, but I think these books are geared towards kids who don’t like to read.  They almost remind me of those books they’d try to pitch to kids that reading’s cool.  In other words, it’s not pitched towards readers more towards the non-reader audience which causes lots of  problems just by that statement alone.  I mean, a book is going to be read.  Shouldn’t it be preached towards people who enjoy reading.  Yet, the House of Night series regularly makes remarks about how reading is for nerds and then uses every trope that drives readers insane.  I’m just saying…I think this is a hint at its targeted group.

5) The Casts have been replaced by an eight year old ghost writer of alien origin:

This theory is probably the most logical one I’ve come up with yet.  It would explain how the prose has deteriorated to the quality it is now where  a psaghetti song is a running gag.

I kid you not.

Need another example.  A murder which should’ve effected one of the main characters, is dramatically trivialized to the point you almost think you’re reading a bad fan fic. Human emotions in this story do not ring true.  Of course, you could make the argument that they’re not humans.  But that’s only true for about 3/4 of the text.

It honestly shouldn’t surprise me.  Big emotional events have always been trivialized in this series.  Remember when Zoey got caught with Professor Skeeze by Prince Eric?  The reaction was cartoonish then.  You could say the same thing about the various times Neferet has walked around naked, or the multiple times that old biddy Redbird almost died, or for that matter the “Defying Gravity”  swan song.  The Casts just can’t do emotion.

Overall Rating: No stars (F).  Really, this book is shiteous.  The thing is, I’m perfectly fine with that.  I don’t read HON to expect quality I expect snark.  But the snark value, sadly, is disappearing.

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The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Hidden by PC and Kristin Cast

Dear Casts,

It’s MJ.  You know that blogger who’s torturing reading all of of your released books and trying hard not to kill herself because of it.

Well, I finally finished.  Sort of.

I still have to read the little novellas you try to stuff down your readers throats.  But I’ve made it through ten books.  And I thought I’d tell you a little bit of my thoughts of the overall series and Hidden because I forced myself to read these books and I feel like you need to listen to my grievances.

Okay, I doubt you’ll actually read this.  And it’s probably better for your mental health and mine if you don’t since this is going to be a bit of a rant.  But writing this will hopefully make me feel better and want to pick up something to drink.  Because these books have made me stop drinking in fear of my liver.

And I view my liver as a very special thing, thank you very much.  Which is why throughout most of this drinking game I have been drinking purely tea-tonight’s beverage Hot Chili Truffle.

Besides, there are much better things to drink to like how many times the word baby is said in an episode of General Hospital–you’d be amazed.

So why am I writing to you?

Well, for one thing save for the half books this is the last time I’ll ever be reviewing a House of Night book by you two.  And I just want to say.  Thank you for scarring me for the rest of my life.  And oh, Heath, well, he’s going to happen about how fetch is going to happen.

 
Yes, Heath is not going to happen with anyone who’s not TSTL.  No matter how many times you try to force him down your audience’s throats.  No matter how many times you tell us that Prince Eric is bad now when we all know that Heath is the real douche-King Douche of the series.  And I don’t even know what Stark is supposed to be at this point other than another Zoey lapdog.  You two got over your crush on Robert Downey JR.?
Pity.
Though RDJ is probably relieved.
I know I am for him.
I’m not surprised you gave up on Ironman. Mainly because you give up on all your characters except your precious Zoey who I’m pretty sure probably rates in the top ten list of worst characters ever created to mankind. I seriously wonder sometimes if she’s really Ebony Darkness Raven Way.
You probably don’t recognize that reference or maybe you do. All I have to say is Google My Immortal.  I hope it doesn’t give you any bad memories.  Actually, you’d probably think that fan fic was the greatest thing ever since sliced bread.
Both you and Tara do like your Count Chocola.
Back to Heath, not going to happen.
I don’t know what your fascination with this character is and why you had to rename him after some electronics company.  Really, Aurox?  What sort of name is that supposed to be?  And don’t give me that bullshit excuse about how you need a unique name.  You’re not a celebrity, despite what you might think.  Only celebrities are allowed to name their kids bizarre things like Apple or North West. You need proof of that.  A judge made these idiots who named their kid Messiah (God, feel for that poor kid) change his name.  I’m guessing probably because neither parents have a reality show or a fashion line at K-Mart.
Yes, get yourself a fashion line at K-Mart then we’ll talk about naming characters after electronics company/dish soap.
And I really never get the appeal of Heath in the first place?  Why was he so great?  Prince Eric had more screen time and seemed less of an asshole in the first four books.  And you probably think I’m a die hard Prince Eric fan and that you’re throwing me a bone for obviously pairing him with the used to be blind girl who now has the special power of seeing auras, but you’re not.  You’re making it seem like Prince Eric was an ass.  He wasn’t an ass.  Zoey and Heath were the asses.
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
 
I think I got it.
You want Zoey with Heath because they’re both supreme assholes.
That makes sense.  But why complicate things with the whole I’m a monster storyline?  Seriously, All My Children did that a few years ago with Ryan and Greenlee ( a hated couple because Greenlee was only decent with Josh Duhamel’s character, Leo, and Ryan was a complete turd kind of like Travis Maddox, a la Beautiful Disaster).  I guess you sort of needed a plot since there’s only so many times Neferet can hide her evilness and Grandma Redbird can be kidnapped.
At least you stopped with trying to hide the fact that Neferet is an evil bitch this time around.  I really don’t see why anyone didn’t notice she was an evil bitch before but I’m sure I just nodded off during that plot.
As for Grandma Redbird.  Can you just kill her already?  Please.  She’s one death I actually want.  You have so many characters that die in here that I forget about or that you make undead-please, rekill Heath or as he’s known as know as a hybrid name between dishwasher soap and electronics.  But you never kill characters that deserve to die like Grandma Redbird.
I mean lavender chocolate chip cookies-nasty.  Okay, maybe they are good.  But I really don’t think this flavor combo would work together.
Anyway, I’m going to go now.  I need to regroup and try to will myself to make it through the half books.  But I wish you the best of luck on the next two books.  I think you’ll be okay though.  You seem to have the Captain Planet ending part down down perfectly.  And I think that you can make two more books mostly idle conversation because you’ve done it for the about eight out of the twelve books. Seriously, at this point I just wonder how much time has passed.
Ah Hell (Get the inside joke!),
MJ
P.S. I’m betting you  that Ironman gets his butt kicked to the curb for the electronic company/dish soap version of Heath.  Zoey turns into Captain Planet after almost dying due to the power of love/her friends will or some shit like that and kicks Neferet’s butt to Hades.  Grandma Redbird continues to make a mockery out of the Cherokee tribe.  And more insignificant characters die.  If anyone from the actual cast dies it will probably be Aphrodite or Prince Eric or maybe Ironman so that his precious Zoey can be with her one true wuv.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: House of Night Legacy (better known as the House of Night Graphic Novel) by PC and Kristin Cast

If this was the sort of artwork in the whole book that we’d get, this book would’ve had a higher rating.

Graphic novel versions of YA books.  They always seem to have a stink to them that I can’t quite explain.  Okay, I know technically what it is the cash cow…it’s ridiculous having graphic novels for these books.  Okay, there are exceptions.  But more often than not it’s the same story regurgitated in comic book form.  Except unlike real comic books, usually the artwork is subpar and the story is ass.

This is no exception.  Though I will give it to the Casts they try not to regurgitate the entire thing.  But wait that might not be such a good thing considering the story we get is equivalent to a really bad kids show.

You know, those kid shows where little Precious Polly (your poor defenseless kid) learns apparently some big life lessons that you later have to brainwash out their head by buying them a cupcake or letting them watch Die Hard.

Those sorts of lessons.  Here we learn how to be a good leader according to Nyx and I….well, still don’t know how to be a leader.

At least according to Nyx.  I learned more from Andy Samberg about how to be a boss than from her.

Oh, well.  That’s probably a good thing.

I get what the Cast were trying to do though bastardize history, mythology, and every world culture while showing us why Zoey Redbird is a star.

To be specific we spit on Norse mythology, Celtic history, The Odyssey, Cleopatra and Anthony, and the Amazons.

Oh yeah, each of these compelling figures, unique mythologies, and timeless classics are destroyed by the Casts and Zoey Redbird.

The rest of the story, is essentially parts of Marked and Betrayed blend together so that the Casts can buy themselves a house of Lake Texoma.

I honestly though am not mad though.  At least this book was done in one volume and despite the confusing bastardization of history its not as confusing as the written word of Cast.

That being said the artists really screwed up here.  Like with the Blue Bloods graphic novel the cover was fabulous looking.  I just didn’t understand why this sort of artwork couldn’t continue throughout the rest of the book.  Instead, we get these cartoonish looking drawing that are better suited for a low budget cartoon.

And here’s the thing other graphic novels are able to use decent artwork throughout the entire story.  Why can’t this one use the same style?  Oh and speaking of styles, the artwork is slightly different when we get these historical flashbacks.  And it’s insulting.  Just plain insulting.

Why is it insulting?  Cleopatra is freaking lilly white for one thing.  The queen of the Nile looks like she should be living in Norway instead of Egypt.  I just don’t understand why it’s that difficult to keep a historical character’s ethnicity.  Must we white wash everything?

Also, it really annoyed me how all the “bad” characters (save for Aphrodite who really isn’t bad) are made to look like hideous looking people.  Pretty people can be awful people too Casts.  And of course, the artists had to give everyone and their mother a miniskirt and flotation devices to boot.  Seriously, there’s no need to do that here.  Or really anywhere in comics.  Side note, is it just me or has anyone else wished one of those comic book vixens talked about getting a boob reduction job.  Because there’s no way its comfortable for them fighting crime.  I can only imagine the back problems.  Weight distribution people.

Overall, I don’t feel as vindictive as I do with the novels.  But this was a complete waste of time and clearly  a waste of money if I would’ve actually purchased it.  Thankfully, I didn’t.  I merely came across it when I was looking for Hush at the library.  Unfortunately, I did not come home with that book and instead came home with this POS.

Overall Rating: Two out of ten books.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Destined by PC and Kristin Cast

I’ve stopped asking who these idiots are suppose to be.  I already waste enough brain cells on these books.

Well, I have the last two books (well, books that are out) in the House of Night series in my library box this week.  Since I want to finish this project I decided I better start reading them.  And honestly, I didn’t quite know what to make of this one.

I know I always talk about these books being a drinking game and try to relate them in a way where you can actually drink but this one was just an incoherent mess much like Burned except I think Burned  had a better excuse to be a mess.

Heaven forbid, I’m defending PC and Kristin Cast.  What is this world coming to?

I will say though that as much as I hated Burned (and I really did hate that book) the incoherentness sort of made sense.  At least I knew why Zoey’s point of view was a mess because she was basically dead.  Though here….

Casts.  You got to stop with the multiple POVs.  Seriously, its making me feel drunk when I’m not drunk. I really don’t like having to go online after I finish a book and try to make sense of what I’m reading.  And I haven’t here.  Originally after I read it, I intended to go onto the House of Night Wiki page or what not and see what this POS was about. And I probably will before I torment myself by reading Hidden, but as I thought about how to write this review.  I thought, maybe I should let my reviews know what I was thinking when I was reading this.  I didn’t express myself in status updates (so much) this time because there really wasn’t anything to snark about.  That’s sad when you can’t snark about a bad book.  That’s actually one of the reasons why I occasionally decide to indulge in a bad book because of the snark.  So for this installment of the drinking game, here are ten random thoughts that I had during Destined that had me wanting to open a bottle of Yellow Tail at ten o’clock in the morning.

1) Who the hell is talking?  Seriously, the random POV were even more random this time around.  The Casts need to get this under control.  I have real issues when POV shifts in a chapter, even when it is marked.  I just don’t understand why you can’t start a new chapter. I think this is one of the reasons why I appreciated Melissa de la Cruz’s Bluebloods series.  As fucked up as that particular vampire series got, you always knew whose POV you were getting.  Even in the lackluster, Misguided Angel, which format differed from the others you still had a section that was purely one character.  I appreciate that, Ms. de la Cruz.  Mrs. and Ms. Cast though you gave me a headache that not even a Cherry Coke with extra cherries can cure.

2) Breaking the Fourth wall.  Okay, this is probably going to be one of the biggest rants I have in this installment.  A few books ago, I want to say Burned, I made a status update regarding the fact that the Casts like to use the “r” word a little too much and how that’s offensive.  Turns out I’m not the only person who found their behavior disgusting.  According to The Book Lantern , a reader informed the Casts that its not exactly PC to use the “r” word in the fashion that they were using it and Cast Snr. through a hissy fit-very professional.  Interestingly enough, a couple of books down the road.  One of the characters laughs about people who find said “r” word offensive and goes on to state that it should be rape not the word retard that is offensive (Destined Cast and Cast 96).  Honestly, Cast Snr.  Really?  It gets better besides basically  stating that people finding the “r” word offensive is stupid, the Cast go on excessively commenting how the kids have to ride the short bus throughout the book and essentially mocking it.  Did it ever occur to them that kids or adults with special needs might be reading this shit? Having a niece that is physically disabled this offends me on so many levels.  Oh, and by the way, Casts, most hotel shuttles are minibus like the ones the kids were riding here.  So, what are you trying to even argue here?

3) Trying to solidify relationships by vilifying the other guy. Seriously, this is the worst way to pimp out a romantic relationship.  Its an obvious ploy and it just makes people like me annoyed that in this case the Casts make a character completely OOC so they can celebrate their RDJ crush.  Or I don’t know what King Douche is supposed to be at this point and yes he does still exist…unfortunately.

4) Bestiality.  Oh my God, there are so many allusions to Bestiality in this installment its not even funny.  And what really gets to me is why Stevie Rae’s relationship to Bird Boy (I forget his name and honestly I don’t see any point in trying to remember it) is sort of blessed by Nyx and Zoey (who I’m starting to believe is Nyx because almost as many people kiss her butt as Nyx) Neferet’s relationship with the white bull isn’t.  And I’m pretty sure she’s having a relationship with him.  I think they said something about the bull being her consort.  I’m not sure.  Once again, I get confused with this shit.  The point is, if one animal human relationship is given approval as much as it disgusts me (and it really disgusts me) the other animal human relationship should be looked at the same way.  But seriously, why hasn’t anyone reported the Casts to PETA?  This shit makes my eyes bleed.  I am never going to look at bulls and ravens the same way again and I can only imagine how mentally scarred a pre-teen would be.

This is the closest I’ll get to approving a bestiality relationship.  And the guy is really a  human just trapped in a beast’s body. And I’m pretty sure they didn’t even get to first based until after the transformation.

5)  Half of the time I start wondering why even have the boarding school?  What purpose does it serve?  They don’t learn anything except some weird sex ed class about imprinting.  And then it makes me wonder why any parent would let their kids read this.  And then I remember the EW interview where PC Cast states that it wasn’t for her daughter these books would even be more graphic.  And then I go EW!

6) Why do the Casts think that anyone who has an accent has improper grammar?  Is it that difficult to realize that people from other parts of the world might talk different than you but still write correct sentences?

7) Why do these books always end like an episode of Captain Planet.  Seriously, there’s earth, fire, wind, water, and…well, there’s no heart but there’s spirit.  And that makes Nyx pop out not Captain Planet.  Which is a shame because at this point I really would like CP to come out.  Not that I ever liked that show but even that character and his perfume like goddess were more formed than the Cast characters.

8) Why do the Casts like Heath so much?  And why are they rifting off of Heaven Can Wait.  I actually liked that movie now I can’t watch it again.  And why does Zoey automatically have to know that Amethyst (his new real name is something else that I can’t bother to write down) is actually Heath?  Doesn’t that sort of take out the whole suspense element.  Isn’t that sort of dumb with three books to go in a series?  You know, One Life To Live actually knew how to play the Heaven Can Wait story without it being annoying.  And that’s saying something because I hated the character Marcie on that show.

A good movie that’s now pernamently tainted. Thank you, Casts

9)  Why do I want to read about some two hundred year old something woman banging the guy who picks up horse manure?  Why would any teenager want to read about that?  And I don’t care if he’s apparently still young looking an that he’s a hot twenty-seven-year-old it’s still boring and gross.  But then again, Edward Cullen was looked at as sexy and he’s what a hundred.  But she’s not even a main character and it just wasted page space and it was just.  So stupid.  Horse manure.  Horse manure.  How could you fall in love with a guy that smells like shit because he works with shit all day long?

10)  Why does Zoey end chapters with catchphrases.  Does she think she’s on Full House?

Then again, like with that show this series keeps on getting worse.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Awakened by PC and Kristin Cast

Don’t even ask who that’s supposed to be.  I don’t know and I don’t care.  And neither should you other than its some poor sap who has to make a living by promoting this shit.

A long time ago, I decided to read all of the House of Night books because I thought it would be an interesting experiment.  I knew I might get annoyed, but I could get drunk and have some shits and giggles.

However, now that I’m on the eighth installment it doesn’t read so much like shits and giggles anymore.  Instead, its really a cry for help for humanity.  I seriously think PC and Kristin Cast are a prima facie case of why the world can’t have nice things.  And this installment of the so called drinking game (though for the safety of you’re liver we can’t actually make it a drinking game anymore) is going to focus on why they’re proud members of the bottom 1% of dumb asses in the world.

1) Normal people would not kill off a character to a song and dance montage-let alone a song and dance montage sung by the cast of Glee.  However, that’s how the Casts decide to kill off a character that essentially has had less airtime than Zoey Redbird’s cat.

 
A part of me is naive enough to state that the Casts are just uber fans of the show Glee, but then I read shit like this where the Casts bitch about how their shitty series wasn’t given a plug on the show and I’m like not uber fans..more like uber sell outs.
2) The Casts don’t believe that people need to be emotionally ready for sex.  I kid you not.  The characters act like their in second grade with the way they talk about bodies.  Yet the amount of boinking that went on in the first forty pages of the book makes it look like Fifty Shades of Night (a very scary thought, please fan girls do NOT make a crossover based on these two series).
Look, I’m all for YA books where the characters are sexually active relationships.  Its realistic, but don’t have them talking about bodies like their gross if they’re engaging in coitus.  Or if they do, have them mess up because if they can’t talk about intercourse without going ew cooties over it then they don’t need to be having sex.  Seriously, everyone in this book talks like they’re on one of those TGIF sitcoms when it comes to sex and life in general.  And we all know what happened to those child stars after their respected series ended.
3) Being culturally offensive.  Its appalling how many cultures that the Casts have defended.  Even  I know that the Scots don’t talk that way the Casts say they do and the only exposure I’ve had of Scotland is Harry Potter and the Traveling Chanel.  That is sad people.
Though I can tell you, from personal experiences, that no self respecting Okie talks like Stevie Rae.  Most of my mom’s side is from Oklahoma and none of them speak with an accent remotely like Stevie Rae’s, they don’t care for stirrup pants, and none of them (that I know of) engage in bestiality.  Though I’m sure one or two of them does like Kenny Chesney, but hey….no one’s perfect.
4) Fact checking.  Biggest logic fuck up this installment it only takes three hours to fly from Scotland to Oklahoma.  I guess they could be flying the Concorde but it doesn’t exist anymore so there goes that theory.
5) Condescending tone.  Is it just me or do these books in general talk down to their audience?  I swear, if Damien gives me one more vocabulary lesson.  I will hurt him.  I just will.  And yes, I know he is a fictional character but still…Also, speaking of condescending  look at this little article that one of my GR friends let me know about.  Seems like the Casts don’t like people calling them out on their bullshit.  We’ll be talking more about this when I read that particular installment.
6) People still trusting Neferet.  Does she have to nuke them to get them to realize she’s the big bad?  And what’s with her walking around naked everywhere?  For some ritual apparently, but we’re not told why she needs to be naked.  Dr. Evil was better bad guy than this.  And really, why do try to over-sexualize her?  Is it to show us that sex is evil?  Because honestly this character’s sexuality is so comical that I almost read it as a parody on slut slamming.  But after reading eight of your books, Casts, I know you’re not clever enough to do something like that.  More or less you probably think sex is evil and lead very sad lives.  Oh, and you probably still believe that Anthony Weiner is a changed man.
7) Bestiality.  I don’t even have to go into much detail on this.  I don’t care that you transformed Stevie Rae’s animal friend into a human.  It’s still gross. Period.  And if you call me a bigot, I swear I’ll send PETA out on your ass because animals no matter if they can talk to you or not are not our special friends.
8)  Please stop trying to tell us that a character is bad, that a couple shares chemistry, and that I need to kiss Zoey’s ass.  You’d think that this is the first book that Dumb and Dumber has ever published with the amount of telling that goes on.  But nope, this is the eighth installment in this series.  And Cast Snr has published several more books before and I highly suspect Cast JR had a couple of fan fics out there (that’s purely speculation though).  The point is they shouldn’t be relying on the telling crutch.  And we all know that Prince Eric was smart getting away from Zoey and her forty husbands.  If Damien calls him a Douche its his loss.  We all know what really happened, the Casts finally watched The Marvel Universe movies and replaced their Christopher Reeve crush with Robert Downey JR.  Which I guess is respectable, but I am wondering if its going to flip flop now that Man of Steel is out and Henry Cavill is well…let’s just say is SMeyer would’ve got her wish and he would’ve been playing Ed-tart, I could understand why girls would go gaga over him.
9) The fact that the Casts decided to give us Grandma Redbird’s shit a chapter.  Okay, technically its her shitty daughter.  But we’re told how big a POS she is throughout the entire novel that I just decided to go for it.  Grant it, I know I’m being crass but after eight fucking installments of these books I think I have the right to be as rude as I want.  And honestly, why would Zoey’s mother who had minimum screen time and was basically forgotten with the past four or five books be mentioned.  Only to merely   kill off a character that wasn’t Grandma Redbird that’s why.  And man, do I hate Grandma Redbird.  But I’m digressing.  The point is, insignificant characters got a POV.  And why do I care about these insignificant characters?  What point do they serve?
.
10) As bad as soap operas are, they never bring back unpopular characters because they know it will make the fans upset and they won’t give a shit that some dumb ass who they have no attachment to has come back from the dead.  This is why popular characters are resurrected from the dead multiple times. The Casts however took this advice backwards and resurrected an unpopular character that everyone with half a brain and a grain of self respect hates.
Yes.  Heath is back from the dead.
I know, I want to hurt something too.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Burned by PC and Kristin Cast

I have no words about how corny and stupid this looks.
 

At this point, I can’t even make a decent drinking game for these books because they’ve just gotten so bad and incoherent.  So if you want to get drunk off of this one (which I’m sure you do) just get drunk anytime you’re wondering what the hell is going on.  It’s that simple.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about Burned the seventh shitty installment of the hideous House of Night series.

Oh, and if you want to know what the rating is no freaking stars.  Because I had to go on Wikipedia and review several reviews to get a sense of what was going on and I took Civil freaking Procedure.  The concept of personal jurisdiction makes more sense than this shit.

So what’s the plot: Take any shitty (and yes, that seems to be the word of choice  for this review) supernatural show that you’d see on the WB/CW where the TSTL main character goes into limbo and learns that she has to move on and you have this book.  Oh, also throw in some culturally offensive Scottish versions of Amazons and add in some side plot with Stevie Rae that no one gives a fuck about and that’s the whole book.  If you want a less profanity induced summary that is more coherent here’s a link to the Wiki Page.

Alright, the rest of this installment to this feature is going to be mostly focused on the writing itself.  I might talk about some spoilers-regarding the world building- but it will be vague at best because even with the Wiki summary I’m still not sure what I read.

I think this was in part because of the random POV changes, the fusion of mythologies that made no freaking sense, and the fact that this whole book just seemed to lack structure.

After reading about six of these books, I thought I knew what to expect.  Shitty recap chapter with shitty stereotype characters introducing themselves as their respected characters.  You follow that by our asshole protagonist (a.k.a. Zoey Montgomery-that’s her legal name and I’m sticking to it) having some life crisis that usually involves a boy.  We then find out she has six million guys interested in her and the evil teacher is after her for no reason.  Stupid dialogue goes on for about four hundred pages (okay really two hundred) and then some Captain Planet shit goes down before we get a stupid ass cliffie before the book ends.

This book is…..well, different.

You’d think that’s a good thing.  Because these books are in desperate need of some originality, but no. The Casts version of originality is a scary place on Earth.

Honestly, it was a dumb mistake in the first place to put Zoey in limbo.  I hate that trope.  I really do.  Maybe it’s because I’ve watched too many WB/CW shows or daytime soaps but these scenes always come off as contrived and just plain stupid.  They’re pointless.  You know that the characters will always come back from the brink of death because the TV show has to continue and on soaps you’ll usually know a month or two before hand whether or not the actor is going to leave or not.  And in this case, we know that there are going to be twenty more of these things coming out so Zoey is going to live much to my displeasure.

So the whole plot of this book.

Pointless and stupid.

And if you were a die hard fan of this shit (and there are some people out there who enjoy these books believe it or not) then you’re going to be even more confused with what’s going on with the eighth installment because you had to wait twice as long to get your cliffhangers resolved.

Oh, well, Zoey will probably be obsessing about another boy.  And they’ll probably throw in Egyptian or Norse mythology just to fuck up everything a little bit more and rape another one of the world’s religions for a good measure.

Okay, that wasn’t the best transition sentence, but I have to talked about the f-ed up mythology in this series.  Its something you just can’t avoid.  I’m all for fusion when it comes to mythologies, but you have to have some reasons for the fusion and you have to explain how they collide instead of randomly throwing them together.  In the House of Night they practically throw every religion and mythology you can think about and more often than not they get things wrong about said religion.  Like, for instance, the Casts think Catholics worship Mary and view her as a deity.  WTF!?!?!?!?!

Yes, the Virgin Mary is a prominent figure in the Catholic religion, but she’s not viewed as a deity.  She’s simply the mother of Christ.  Honestly, I really get annoyed with this when writers do this because its just pure ignorance and laziness.  If you Google it you’ll find plenty of Catholic websites that will tell you that the religion does not worship the mother of God.  Its not rocket science.  Plus, if you talk to a Catholic (and yes, they do exist in Oklahoma) I’m sure they’ll tell you this.

Sigh…..

It’s not only the Catholic religion that gets a bashing its any other religion and for that matter culture as well.  Another of the recipients: Scotland.

The portrayal of Scotland in this book, sort of cement my theory  that the Casts are the reason that most people hate America and….well, that they were behind My Immortal (the hilariously bad Harry Potter fan fic).  Not only do the Casts decide that they are going to show us how the Scottish talk by writing some interesting dialect that I’m pretty sure is only spoken my illiterate trolls on World of Warcraft, but there’s also a rift off of Wonder Woman’s home country of Themycira except these Amazons live on the Isle of Skye (somehow I don’t think battle armor’s going to be comfortable there).  Oh, add in a line by Iron Man (better know as the fourth love interest, Stark) “because I love her” you’ll be having some rather interesting fan fic flashbacks throughout this.

Oh, Tara Gillesbie, it’s nice to see you did succeed in life.

It’s sort of sad that I find so many comparisons with that fan fic to this series but they keep popping up. And while at first made these references purely in jest, now I am actually starting to wonder especially after I read this installment.

Its not just the ridiculous plot, stupid characters, and dumb ass world building that make this particular installment unbearable, its the multiple changes in POV  with massive info dumps that made my head explode.  I actually commented, in one of my status updates, that I thought this wasn’t the final version. Okay, I know it is the final version of the book.  It’s been out for a few  years now, but it reads like an outline or  a draft.  I almost wonder if one of the Casts got to caught up in real life if they just cut and paste their notes onto whatever version of the story they were sending to their editor.  And their editor had other stuff to deal with (like eating Twinkies) that this got a pass.  That’s sort of what I think happened.  It is the only scenario that makes any sense because honestly this just seemed so half assed.

Yum, deep fried Twinkies.  They’d distract me from editing the Casts’ stupid book too.

Yes, I get you can successfully use different POVs in novels, but the fact that the first five volumes of this book were written in first person and the sixth was written mostly in third person.  This is a huge jump.  Maybe it would make more sense if this was a spinoff of the original series.  I could actually understand that and maybe all the blanks I was drawing would make some sense but nope….just nope.

Honestly, if I wasn’t so goal oriented I’d quit doing this to myself already.  I’m not enjoying these books.  They remind me a lot like Full House.  With each progressing installment it gets worse and worse.  I am really interested in people who are fans of these books.  Why do you like them?  Was the seventh installment coherent to you?  Have you read My Immortal and are secretly laughing at the fact that you know who the real Tara Gillesbie is?

Whatever.  You guys know I’m going to read the next one.  And I’ll probably be ranting about it more than I did about this one.  But really if you like these books skip this one, you’re not missing much except stupid limbo scenes and offensive religious and ethnic stereotypes.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Tempted by PC and Kristin Cast





Note: the following scenario is fiction and is used to illustrate my absolute hatred for the House of Night series.  Note, I am not actually a teacher and have not actually substituted for PC Cast.  I am merely using the classroom setting to illustrate my disdain for this piece of shit.



Somewhere in Oklahoma



MJ: Good morning class.  You’re teacher Mrs. Cast isn’t available so I’ll be teaching you guys today.  It says you were talking about Tempted?

Brown Noser: Yes, Tempted.  Its Ms. Cast newest and greatest book that she wrote with her daughter, Kristin.

MJ: Oh, hell no.  Your teacher isn’t PC Cast of House of Night fame.

Random Kid 1: That would be the one.

Brown Noser: Are you okay Ms. J?
MJ: You’ve been taught by PC Cast, I thought it was only a myth in the YA world that she’s a teacher.
Brown Noser: Oh, no.  She’s our teacher.  And she’s really great.  We talk about the House of Night series all the time.  It’s an educational experience.
MJ raises an eyebrow.
 
Brown Noser: It really is.  And if we’re really good we become a self insert character in the book.  Like, I’m one of the red fledglings.
MJ: There’s a Red Fledgling named Brown Noser?
Brown Noser: My name’s not Brown Noser it’s  Ebony Darkness Dementia….
MJ: Do you think I’m actually going to remember your name?  I’m only a sub.  And regardless, why would anyone want to be associated with those books.  I use them to get drunk.
Brown Noser: You can’t get drunk from House of Night.  It’s a literary classic.
MJ: Okay, fine.  I’m all ears on how not to get drunk on what’s this one called again…
Bored Kid: Tempted.  Though there’s no sex in it.  They talk about the importance of not losing your V Card to a slut.
MJ: Then no one must do it with Zoey.
Brown Noser: Hey, Zoey isn’t a slut.  She’s a self assured woman.  Having six boyfriends does not make you a slut.  That Z put Erik in his place.  Ms. Cast calls Zoey a feminist.
MJ: Why can’t I get drunk on the job?
Brown Noser: You want some brown pop I’m sure….
MJ: Okay, so you learned it’s okay for Zoey to cheat on Prince Eric because she’s a feminist.  But if a guy cheats on her…
Random Student 2: Then he’s a man ho.  I tried asking Mrs. Cast what the difference is and she says that’s feminism.
MJ: No, no.  No.  Feminism is about equality for women.  That you can…you know what….let’s watch a documentary on Susan B Anthony or maybe watch that clip on Entertainment Tonight about Hillary Clinton and the evolution of pant suits.  Okay?  And after that let’s talk about feminism.
Brown Noser: We’re supposed to watch movies in class.  Mrs. Cast says they rot your brain.  Besides, we finished talking about feminism a long time ago.  Now we’re talking about cultures.
MJ: Oh, this should be good.  Let me guess more bull shit about the Cherokee culture.
Bored Student: Pretty much.  We’ve learned how to say daughter in Cherokee probably every other day in class.  Oh, and we talk about the legend of A-ya  a lot.  It’s actually real, believe it or not.  I honestly thought Ms. Cast got that off of Wonder Woman.  But I Googled it and it’s actually based off of a real legend.  She does do some research.  Some being the operative word.
MJ: Like the fact that somehow she incorporates Greek mythology into it and it’s not rationalized.
Brown Noser: That’s not true.  She did provide an explanation remember when that Nyx and the Virgin Mary are the same person and…
MJ: What?  What?
Brown Noser: I was saying that….
MJ: I heard you Nyx and Mary are NOT the same person.  The Virgin Mary is Christ’s mother she’s not the personification of night.
Brown Noser: Well, in the book the nuns hinted that since Catholics worship Mary….
MJ: I am Catholic.  We do not worship Mary.  We only worship God.  Just God.  Mary is Jesus’s mother.  She holds an important place in the church but she is not a deity.
Brown Noser: But Ms. Cast said.
MJ: Fuck Mrs. Cast.  She probably did most of her research on Catholics from The Sound of Music.
 
 
Student Three: You need to put a word in the swear jar.  Ms. Cast only allows us to use the word bullpoopie and that’s in extreme circumstances.  Once I said asshat in class and she didn’t know what that meant.
MJ: Isn’t the meaning sort of obvious?  Does she even use context clues? Or for that matter watch South Park?
Student Two: What’s context clues?
MJ: Haven’t you learned anything about writing?
Brown Noser: We learned a lot about writing.  Ms. Cast wrote tempted in multiple POV and in first and thrid person.  They did it so that we could see different types of writing.
MJ: It was an incoherent mess though.  They can barely write first person so why did they think third was going to be much better.  In fact it was even worse if that’s even possible.
Brown Noser: I liked the other POV.  I liked how the Casts used the word “dang” to designate Stevie Rae’s POV. And both Heath and Stark…
MJ: Sounded the same.
Bored Kid nods head.
 
MJ: Okay, so it seems like the only thing you sort of learned from Tempted was Cherokee legends and they were butchered.  And you guys all do your homework so that you can be self insert characters?
Student One: Pretty much.  But it’s more educational than Twilight.
 
MJ: Yes, but Stephenie Meyer wasn’t a teacher.  She didn’t state that student/teacher relationships were okay.  And that wanting someone to be in a monogamous relationship is being pushy.  And that  making assumptions about someone’s religion….you know what guys, let’s watch The Avengers.  No, wait, she’s dampened that with all her not so subtle innuendoes of how she’s crushing on RDJ.  Okay, let’s watch Glee-wait, they referenced that too.  How about Oklahoma!  Damn it.  Let’s just watch a movie the Casts haven’t tainted.  How about Roman Holiday?
 
Brown Noser: Cool, the next House of Night book is taking place in Italy.  Well, the end of this one sort of did…but Mrs. Cast said.
MJ: Fine.  We’re going to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Because if anyone can kill Zoey Redbird it’s her.
 
 

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Hunted by PC and Kristin Cast

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother.

I am a goal oriented person.  Seriously, I have like post it notes on my desk with day goals, week goals, year goals, life goals…you get the picture.  And being goal oriented is a good thing.  But at this point with the House of Night books…I don’t know if I can continue it guys I really don’t.  Not after I read Hunted.

This book…

I understand why many people have quit the series after this installment.  And it’s not because this book is any more offensive than the rest (though if the character Karmisha would’ve been highlighted any more I think it could’ve approached that territory).  It’s just that this installment…it just showcases what’s wrong with this series.

I thought of reviewing this book several ways: interviewing characters from the book, writing a letter to Mrs. and Ms. Cast expressing my disdain, writing a review where I praise this book for doing what it is….essentially shitting on the written word.  But all those ideas, they were too good for this book.  And since this is supposed to be a drinking game feature, I just decided to list some things you could drink for.  Specifically, the top ten things that offended me the most about Hunted.



10) Not so subtle My Immortal references:



Just admit your Tara Gillesbie, Kristin.  The evidence is all there.  Count Chocola, a main character that looks like Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, multiple characters in love with the MC, perverts on campus. Heck, there’s even a scene where Zoey’s running around campus naked like Ebony.  And one of the love interests has red eyes like vampire.  God, if you haven’t read this fan fic.  Read it.   The grammar’s atrocious (hence, why PC probably had to help write this book), but it’s all there I swear.  Okay, it’s just my opinion  and I know in reality that Kristin Cast and Tara Gilesbie are two different individuals, but I just can’t help but wonder.  I just can’t.



9) Brand Spanking New Characters:



There were like fifteen or so new characters introduced in this installment.  I really can’t remember who was who and don’t care.  They serve no purpose just like most of those characters they forced upon us in the second season of Young Justice just to sell toys and look what happened to that show…seriously, Lagoon Boy and Blue Beetle (okay, I got Blue’s role, but I never liked him.  I’d rather focus on the characters we were introduced to in season one).



8) The Entire Plot (What There is of it):


The first one hundred and forty pages are a complete waste.  And when they go back to the school…it doesn’t even make sense.  Couldn’t they like get a vampyre healer?  I mean, they’re getting everything else brought into those tunnels.  Heck, they even have running water?  Is it really that hard to find some sort of medicine woman (like Dr. Quinn) to come and cure Zoey.  Or better yet let Zoey die.  That would’ve made a lot more sense than what did happen and been quasi poignant.  Honestly, the plot holes are what made the plot and that’s just sort of sad.
7) Bastardizing Religions/Mythologies/Cultures/History–a.k.a. being a Cast with “imagination”



You might think taking different mythologies and mixing them together would be a smart thing to do.  I guess if you did it correctly, it would.  But when mess up certain aspects about some of the mythology your using and have no explanation-say for the fact your using a Cherokee legend that took place thousands of years ago and try to make it take place in Oklahoma when it’s historically known that a part of the Cherokee tribe only moved to Oklahoma because of Andrew Jackson and the Trail of Tears (while small portions of the tribe hid in the North Carolina mountains and still reside in the state today), you have one big mess.  Then again, calling every celebrity and their mother a vampyre sort of gives you a clue of credibility of your made up mythology.



6) Contradictions

The Casts love to contradict themselves and they love to do it through long info dumps.  Honestly, at this point…anything goes and I no longer even care.  But I hate having to read these convoluted explanations.  And I’m like, why even bother you’ll just contradict yourself whenever you find it necessary.





5) Useless Dialogue

It’s not offensive, so much as annoying.  But really, really, half of this book could’ve been edited out.  That’s how useless some (if not most) of the dialogue is.  It just got really annoying after awhile.



4) Rape Culture:



There’s an attempted rape in this book.  And the way it’s handled is disgusting.  First of all, it was okay for the victim to be almost assaulted because the character that attempted to rape her was hot.  And for that, she endures slut slamming by are sanctimonious heroine.  Oh, and did I mention the attempted rapist barely got his hand slap.  Nope, it’s his victim who faces the consequences.



3) The Love Interests:



Seems a weird thing to be offended by.  But the love interests are pathetic.  All of them.  And what would that be five (no six if you count dead Loren) at this point in time.  Let me list them:

Heath (Sir Douche): Appears randomly, cals Zoey-Z, we’re told he’s a gentleman, but it’s obviously he’s really a douche.  Oh, and he and Zoey shared or share an imprint and you know how I feel about imprinting….

Erik (Prince Eric): He’s too good for Zoey.  Obviously.  And there’s really not much to him, he’s like a Disney character.  Though he’s always described as looking like Superman.  Guess the Casts never heard that Batman is the hot DC character not Superman, but whatever.

Loren (Mr. Mary Kay Laterno): He’s dead now.  But he and Zoey had sex.  He claimed to really love Neferet, but we all know what he was probably thinking…..

Stark (Iron Man): New kid in school who Zoey has an insta connection too.  He dies comes back evil but through the power of love (hey….don’t get drunk while reading this review).

Kalona (Kocoum): This fallen angel based on Native American legend who apparently thinks Zoey is Wonder Woman (well, a maiden made of clay that’s close enough) or something.  He’s completely evil, but because he’s hot Zoey thinks she likes him.

2) Zoey:



Is she supposed to be likable?  I don’t know what I’m supposed to get out of my main character.  Honestly, the only thing Zoey talks about other than brown pop is her pathetic love life.  And as you cans see from my list I drink just whenever that’s talked about.  So yeah, that makes her offensive in that regard.  And then there’s the fact that she’s just so judgmental, bitchy, and just unlikeable in general.  I can’t believe anyone would like this bitch given some of the things she has said.



1) Stereotypes:

This is a reoccurring problem throughout the series, but it grated on my nerves a little bit more this time around.  Probably because of the character Karmisha who is supposed to be the sassy African American from the ghetto stereotype.  It’s disgusting how the Casts portray her.  And to make matters worse, they completely shove her in our faces so that we have to like her.  I think that was probably my biggest issue because with Damen even though they stereotype him in the fullest (seriously, in every book we’re told in some not so obvious way that he’s gay), they don’t spend a full twenty minutes trying to get us to instantly like him  like they did with Karmisha. Plus, there was no need for the Karmisha character in this book. They already had a poet, but I guess the Casts just wanted to add more token characters in their book and token characters they have a plenty.  Let’s look at some of the stereotyping that goes on here, specifically concerning her:

Introduction to Karmisha:

“A black girl twitched out of the group.  It was a testament to how distracted I’d been with Venus and Aphrodite and Stevie Rae that I hadn’t noticed her before then.  She had on a form -fitting bright yellow shirt cut low to show the top of her black lace bra and a pair of high-waisted, skintight cropped jeans that were cinched up with a wide leather belt that matched her chunky gold shoes.  Her hair was cut geometrically into a short poof on her head, and half of it was dyed bright orange.” (Cast and Cast 35).

Karmisha’s first line:

” “Let’s get it straight right now that I’m not sharin’ my bed with no one,’ Karmisha said, weaving her head around and looking bored and pissed off at the same time (35).

And another brilliant quote of Karmisha’s:

” ‘Look, he had wings.   That ain’t right,’ Kramisha added, fragmenting my attention.  ‘My mma told me don’t trust no white boy, even a pretty one.  I’m thin’ a pretty white boy with wings explodin’ up form the ground in a mess of blood and ugly-ass bird things is double trouble.’ ” (42).

I’d like to interject at this point that the guy she’s talking about is Kalona who originates from an Native American  folklore and is described looking like a Native American.  And as far as I know, Native Americans aren’t white.

So, I want your thoughts.  Should I continue or not?  I really hate giving up on a goal but after reading this maybe…maybe you can understand if this is the last time I ever read about Zoey Redbird and her shitious life.

 

Should I continue with the Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game?
Yes, I like watching your sanity be tested. Take a sabbatical, but come back. No, I care for your well being. No one should have to endure this. pollcode.com free polls 

Quotes are taken from Hunted by PC and Kristin Cast, St. Martin’s, New York: 2009.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Untamed

Honestly, this cover….I have no words for it’s horribleness. 

What is almost annoying as House of Night….did you say High School Musical?  Well, if you did, then you’re right.  Now imagine if the two of them were combined

 
House of Night Musical: The Drinking Game!
 
Honestly, I decided that this particular installment (Untamed) needed a musical review because the whole book read like it was in desperate need of a montage.
Yes, this would so help the book.  Especially I could avoid 200 pages of Zoey’s rants.
 
So without further ado let’s get this musical on (and oh, yeah, it’s a drinking musical so obviously get out the mixed drinks and disco balls or whatever).
1) “What Makes You Different Makes You Beautiful“-The Backestreet Boys
Better known as the Zoey Redbird theme.  Anytime Zoey talks about how wonderful and special she is you almost want to cue the music.  Though I honestly, don’t know how that would work if Untamed or any of the other House of Night books were turned into musicals.  Wouldn’t Zoey notice she had a boy band behind her?  I guess, if you kept drinking every time Zoey says how special she is from the first line of page one to the last line of the book.  You’d be drunk enough not to care.

 

2) “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun“- Cyndi Lauper
God, the whole first five chapters could’ve just been a montage with this song. Seriously, this book had way too much girl talk.  I get that we want to show bonding and all that jazz.  But the plot needs to move a little bit.  And God, really, Aphrodite and Zoey doing the female bonding.  No.  Just no.  You know, it’s moments like these that I wish this book was translated to film or TV so I could just press the flash-forward button.  Really, I drank about two glasses of Glitter and Gold tea during these chapters just because I was so bored.  And well, Glitter and Gold tea is really good.
3) “Iron Man“-Black Sabbath
There’s  a new boyfriend to add in Zoey’s harem and his name is Stark-I think the Casts watched Iron Man before writing this book.  I have to admit I get the Robert Downey JR thing, but seriously.  Can we be a little more than obvious?  And this guy, if you think he has some sort of a personality.  Nope.  Just as lame as the rest especially since he declares his undying love for Zoey before he croaks.  Oh, and he has a dog named Duchess.  And that really bothers me because one of the dogs I adopted used to be named Duchess and her former owners neglected her to the point she had to get heartworm treatment and had a liver infection and…well, I guess I’m basing that more on a personal issue than anything else.  But that aside, yeah Stark is lame and this song is too good for him.  But hey, since we’re ripping off Iron Man might as well rip off the song.
The dog formerly known as Duchess.
4) “The Power of Love“-Sailor Moon
Don’t you know everything can be solved with the power of love?  At least that’s what Zoey says before Stark dies.  Yeah, I spoiled this bit for you, but it happens fairly early in the book so I don’t feel like it’s that big of a spoiler.  I just think having this song in here at that moment where she wills him on and he croaks is rather hilarious.
5) “Every Breath You Take“-The Police
Although, Loren is dead that still doesn’t mean that creepy student teacher relationships has ended at The House of Night.  Several times throughout the book Zoey’s dalliance with Loren is mentioned to the point that even Neferet shares with her superior the fact that Zoey slept with a teacher.  Does anyone care that Zoey has essentially been raped?  Nope.  Instead, this is used to imply that she’s a slut. Oh, and did I mention that Prince Eric is now a teacher too and Zoey has the hots for him still which brings us to our next song….
6) “Kiss the Girl“-Alan Menkin and Harold Ashman
Oh, Prince Eric.  I really don’t understand why you’re still trying with this girl.  And for that matter why you’d assign her to be your Desmonda when you’re playing Othello.  Yes, I’ve read the play I know how it not so subtly correlates with what Zoey did to you.  But dude, you’re her teacher now.  And to kiss her in class….Really, really, PC Cast is a teacher.  She should know about maintaining proper teacher/student relationships.  Plus, Prince Eric really you want to get involved with that again.  Le sigh.  I drank a lot during this part.
7) “Listen With Your Heart“-Alan Menkin and Stephen Schwartz
Anytime, Zoey’s grandma makes an appearance I can’t help but think of Grandma Willow from Pocohantas so I just had insert a song from that film into our little musical.  Besides, it’s weirdly appropriate given Grandma Redbird’s crunchy granola advice and how nature always is talked about.  And there’s always some garbage about following your heart.  I really feel like anytime this character appears you can drink.  Oh, and don’t get me started on how the Casts decided to invoke Cherokee legends into their little shit fest.
8) “Faces of the Heart” (“General Hospital Theme”)-Dave Koz
There are a lot of emergencies that take during Untamed and I thought it was only fitting that we’d have an emergency related song in this little musical.  I was tempted to use “How to Save a Life” by the Fray, but no….that’s not melodramatic enough for this piece of literature.  Plus, it’s used on Grey’s Anatomy and Grey’s Anatomy is a much more realistic take on medical emergencies than this books take on them.  So, I decided to use the old General Hospital theme which is fitting in multiple ways since the show involves both medical emergencies and melodrama.
9) “Material Girl“-Madonna
The Casts’s love describing Zoey and her dweeby friends (Nerd Herd-so not catching on) clothes.  So, why not have the song that is all about being a material girl.  It will make those pages of endless descriptions of black clothing more bearable (sort of).  Though the Casts’s lack of knowledge when it comes to menswear is mildly amusing.
10) Anything from the Memoirs of a Geisha soundtrack-John Williams
 This one’s actually mentioned by the Casts themselves during the climax-apparently, they had this music playing.  So I had to feature it, though I personally feel it’s a bit out of place.  “Kung Fu Fighting”, I think would’ve been a more appropriate choice here for a fighting song but whatever.  It’s just like the book is fragmented and filled with many gaps of logic.
So Overall Rating: Once again this one gets no stars from me.  As far as this one goes in the series, it’s merely filler except for the last twenty pages.  I’ll probably read the next one whenever I get it in my reserved box only because I have a perverse New Year’s Resolution to finish this series and I’d like to get a lot of it done before I go into the study dungeon.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Chosen

My neck in real life is much more glamorous, of course.

Hi,

This is Zoey Redbird (yes, I know I’m amazing you can like totally stop clapping now).

Smiles.

I’m upset that people are using my series to get drunk. Seriously, you can’t understand how amazing it is.  That I am like the super-est of the super.  Seriously, Wonder Woman has nothing on me.  I am just amazing.

How many times do I have to say that?

A lot, I guess, since I keep repeating it a lot throughout my novel.  Now an evil person would drink a lot to that, but you’re not evil right?  But if you are let me tell you why you shouldn’t drink in my plight to be the bestest of the bestest.

Man, in this installment of my series my life really sucks.  I have three boyfriends and I complain about it a lot.  It’s soooooo hard to choose.  Let’s look at my choices:

A) King Douche: Oh, Heath.  We’ve always had this connection.  And we’re like perfect together because of our past even though he’s has about the same IQ as a Labrador Retriever.   And really does nothing that’s remotely likable.  Except, of course, I want his blood.

Cute and as loyal as a puppy, unless you count that skank bitch Kayla.

B) Prince Eric: Erik is just amazing.  Sure he lacks a personality, but you can always recognize him because of his Superman hair and blue eyes.  He’s sort of like Prince Eric on The Little Mermaid appearance and all.  I think he’s so pretty a lot throughout the book.  You can just drink at how I’m amazing anytime I describe him.

C) Mr. Mary Kay Laterno: Loren, oh Loren, my poetry teacher.  He makes me blush whenever he calls me a woman.  Yes, I know I’m a girl (you, pervert), but  there’s just something about the way he looks at me….that makes me…want him.  Despite the fact he didn’t really pay me the time of day until very recently.  Also, so what if he’s my teacher and I lose my virginity to him…it’s not that big of a deal.  We’re meant to be.  And that night…oh, it was filled of blood and passion (how romantic).

Okay, so I know my relationship with Loren is taboo.  I know a lot of things that go on in this book could be considered taboo.  But that’s what makes me so cool  man.

Oh, poopie, I bet that sounded lame there.

And really, I don’t know what’s wrong with bullpoopie.  You people who think I should cuss or at least act like a quasi normal human being just need to get over yourself because I’m special.

So, back to what we were talking about my story is taboo, original, and edgy.  Here are some of the “edgy” things that are discussed that have never been seen in a little fan fic called My Immortal

  • Student/teacher relationships: Loren and I are love.  We like did it in the rec room but it was totally ruined by Prince Eric who came in there and started cussing us out.

 

  • Count Chocola and vampires love for it (if I only I could have a Mercedes with the license plates with 666)

 

 

  • Friends that undergo radical transformations with makeovers that are from Hot Topic.

 

 

  • Evil teachers who hate me for no reason

 

 

 
See, totally original.  Totally. I am unique like a unicorn.  But better because I’m Zoey Poopie Redbird.  I’m not afraid to stand up to the issues and defend my friends.  And yeah, I sort of talk bad about them behind their back.  Like Stevie Rae, I totally agree with Aphrodite (that biotch) that she needs a makeover. But whatever.
I’m still a good person.
Even though that was sort of mean, blowing those two random guys in front of a truck to get ran over and then blowing it off because of happy hour at Starbucks.  But they didn’t die.
Besides, I’m totally a caring individual.  Look at how I take care of Damien.  He’s gay and I’m totally okay with that.  I love him, even though he’s characterized so stereotypically at least according to cynics.  And so what if he got with the only other gay kid in school it was true love Nyx meant it be.
And I so don’t know why people have a beef with Nyx.  She’s our one true goddess.  If you worship anything else your a fanatic or freak.  Like my mother.   I so don’t understand why she sent me a Christmas card. I hate Christmas it always ruins my birthday.  Bullpoopie Birthmas gifts.
Whatever.  So by now, you know that I’m a totally cool person and one you don’t have to get drunk to have fun with.  I mean, surely you can’t find anything worth drinking over from what I said, right?
See you in the fourth installment where I’ll hopefully be reblessed and crowed the highest of the high priestess (is there like a high priestess, pope?)
Zoey
Your future House of Night pontiff
Disclaimer: Obviously, I’m not Zoey Redbird or PC or Kristin Cast (God help me if I was one of them).  I am merely using the character to illustrate my deep hatred for these books and why you should get drunk or at least get a sugar high off of them.