Tuning In: The Old Man and the Key (episode 2.3)

Better known as the episode you can be halfway tapped out on allergy meds  and still get the gist of the episode.

God, this was a boring episode.  Don’t believe me? Read this recap.  Predictable melodrama is best how I sum up this one.

Let’s begin shall we…

So, we open up with a slew of flashbacks before we flash to a flashback in Asgard.  The Asgard costume look like their rejects of the costume the mage girl wears in The Ring and the Crown book trailer (also by Melissa de la Cruz).  Basically these scenes are only used to show suspicion on Freddie-known as Fredrick on this show.

I could’ve told them he’s no good.  I suffered through the books after all.

Anyway, Jo asks Wendy about her son.  She uses this opportunity to argue with her.  It’s really a waste of screen time and is ridiculously predictable.

Meanwhile, Freya comes in while Ingrid is packing up her cardigans (she still has the grubby white one that she wore on the last episode).  Freya decides to talk about how she’s flying to the Caribbean to find Killian- I still don’t know how the Coast Guard didn’t notice a random boat floating aimlessly from New England all the way down to the Caribbean, but what do I know?

While they are talking about Freya’s love life they noticed that Jo sealed up a door.  Jo makes a lame excuse why it’s sealed.  The two dimwits decide to give her a pass because Freya’s love life takes precedence.

Dash apparently got drunk and had a one night stand.  That’s interesting.  What’s not interesting is he’s having conversations with Not Dead Killian.  Lifetime, if you really wanted to make this interesting you could’ve not showed the audience that Killian was alive in the first episode of the season.

Wendy goes to the morgue to perform  a Pushing Daisies on Ingrid’s old boss.  It doesn’t go that well.  Obviously, because she isn’t a trained professional like Ned.  And she bought no pie.

Man, do I miss that show. That was actually quality entertainment (unlike this show).

At this point I should mention we’re ten minutes in.  Bored?  So am I.  I recommend using this time to do something productive, like sorting paperclips.

Oh, look it’s Halliwell Manor but with a new paint job.  So, now everyone won’t be saying it’s Halliwell Manor even though that’s exactly what it is.  Jo is upset about Freddie and they have a rather awkward talk.  My, my, my, Freddie is adjusting to modern America much more than Thor (see his syntax and like for muscle shirts).  I will admit even though the character bores me to death, he is pretty to look at.  Then again, almost every male character on Lifetime is pretty to look at.

And another useless flashback to Asgard where I gawk at Victor (not Victor Halliwell’s) lame facial hair.  Yet, another thing the Thor movies have on this one.  Because unlike Victor both Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth can rock their Asgard hair.

Oh, Dash.  Another faux Killian conversation.  And really wearing your scrubs in the middle of nowhere.  Conspicuous much?

Victor is on his way home apparently thrilled about Freddie.  Obviously, his trip to South America resulted in a lobotomy.  Wendy, the only one with common sense, put a some sort of  tracking spell on Freddie.

Girl, obviously has been watching some Veronica Mars.

Well, someone has to in this useless house.  And yep…they find out that Freddie is troubled.

Meanwhile, Freya goes to Killians’ room and finds out that her one true love doesn’t really give a shit about her since she got married.

Cue the slut slamming.

Because we all know it’s coming.  Eva, Killian’s wife, will undoubtedly be the big bad this year and Freya will be the saint.  I’m sure Lifetime will have her do something severally evil like try to kill Freya and Killian will have to save the day by the end of the season after not believing Freya’s warnings about his “evil” wife for months.  And that will leave us to angst about trust next season (if it’s renewed), but for now let’s enjoy the fact that Freya is going to have to mope.

Ice cream, anyone?

Long story short, Freya makes some b.s. about why she flew down to the Caribbean to see Killian.  He oddly buys it which confirms he lacks brain cells.  Freya also drops the bomb that Killian’s crazy mommy is dead.

More Asgard Freddie’s a rat and we dress like lame extras of Thor flashbacks.

Yawn.

Man, these scenes really drag.

Dash is playing with magic and wait….wait he has a Michael Westen moment.  Is he turning into a bad ass?  For reals.

Okay, now I’m starting to like this character.  A lot, lot, more.

Freya has a heart to heart with Eva.  It comes off very lame and stilted.  Really, I’m just wondering why they’re going this route.  It is so cliched.

And really, really, why can’t we have Freya focus on something other than her love life.  Like, I don’t know….sorting paperclips.

Ingrid (still wearing the nasty white cardigan) calls up Dash to see her.  Too bad newly bad ass Dash is still polite, otherwise he’d tell her off like anyone with common sense who’s not a cast member of this show.  She tells him that they have magic.  He’s more interested in being a bad ass and tells her he has to take care of business.

More bad ass moments continue, though unfortunately Ingrid interrupts and almost gets herself killed in the process.  Dash again has to take care of business and thanks to the waste of space, Ingrid, he has to clean up her mess.

Seriously, I get she’s a main character, but she is sooooooooo annoying.  And really, why haven’t they reevaluated her wardrobe?

She cleans it up with a spell that will obviously backfire at the end of the season. The thing that is most disturbing about this scene is that I think they are testing the chemistry between Dash and Ingrid.  This will severally limit Dash’s bad-assery and tarnish his character.  My suggestion is he gets with the only decent character on this show (Wendy).

Meanwhile, Freddie gets an intervention.  Since it’s only the third episode of the season I don’t expect much and really nothing happens here. Other than Jo being a dumb ass for believing that moron.

And more Asgard scenes where the curse is obviously enacted.  I could really care less.

Victor-no not that Victor- has come home and something bad has happened to him just as we flash to commercial.

Yeah, I don’t care either.  More ice cream?

Freya’s back in American and Killian comes to talk to her.  It’s well…awkward.

She then goes to Ingrid and cries.  Now, won’t that be awkward if Lifetime is going to throw Dingrid down our throats. Then again, since Freya only talks about her love life it won’t be that awkward.

And Ingrid, seriously, get a new cardigan.

Dash finally realizes that Killian is alive by hearing him go all Edward Cullen at the piano.  The whole reaction is rather a let down. I’m sure they’ll forget the fact that Dash was being blackmailed for Killian’s death by next episode.

The episode closes with Jo calling Victor who’s not picking up and who’s being held up in some weirdo room of pain.  And I’m done (well, for the week).

Best Moment: Dash being a bad ass.  Who knew Dr. Shirtless had it in him, he might (just might) become likable.

Worst Moment: The potential of Dingrid (just ew!).

Cringe Worthy Moment: Asgard.  In comparison to Thor (yeah, hilarious).

Shirtless Moments: I think Killian had a few shirtless moments with Eva.  Honestly, I was so bored in this episode I can’t even remember.  And I like abs, so me not remembering them is, well, sad.

Episode Grade: A forgettable C-.  The C part is only because there’s minimum Ingrid in this particular episode.

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Tuning In: The Time Which I Binge Watch and Hate Myself

So, this somehow got renewed.  I didn’t know until I checked my DVR and saw too episodes.  So let’s get down to the recaps shall we (we won’t defeat the Huns)…

 

If you Forgot What Happened Last Season:

  • Ingrid made an ass of herself in ill colored cardigans
  • Freya threated about her love life and nothing else.
  • Dash walked around without a shirt for ten episodes.
  • Killian made an appearance as additional eye candy
  • Dash and Killian’s momma went bananas.
  • No one in The Halliwells’   Bechaumps’ stupid town watched the Thor movies.
  • Wendy was awesome.
  • And Ingrid opened up a portal in another horrible cardigans.

 

A Moveable Beast:

The episode opens with a lot of dark cinematography with Latin being thrown in every now and then to give it a spooky effect.  It’s too dark to actually see anything and not get a migraine so these scenes I really just sort of use to multi-task.  The only thing I have halfway sort of gathered is that Ingrid is now sleep walking in evening wear that’s suppose to be a nightgown.  They then flash to the woods, which she’s apparently walking around before showing the credits.  I’m hopeful for now that there will be dialogue.

It appears Jo is being poisoned and her estranged husband is treating her, though with the way it’s played out its like a recreation of some god awful scene from an EL James’s sad excuse of a novel.

As usual, Freya is obsessed with her love life and nothing else.  Wendy is the only character that makes sense.  Given the fact she is a Lifetime addition and not part of the original series, it really is quite surprising.

Dash is trying to get his Harry Potter on, but it’s not working.  Perhaps, he should go to Diagon Alley instead of talking to a Killian  hallucination.  Sadly, he is wearing a shirt.  As he does pretty much throughout the rest of this episode.  Guess, he got that Jacob Black cause removed from his contract.

Pity.

Freya again bemoans about her love life.  I really don’t care as I neither care about Jo’s condition since the promos show her alive and well.  More time to multi task.

There’s a stranger lurking in the woods…I have a bad feeling about who it’s going to be.  And Lifetime better not stick to the source material on this one is all I have to say.

And now cut to the hospital with scenes of Dash trying to be McDreamy.  The scrubs are good.  Though not as good as him going shirtless.  Swim some of that frustration off, Dash.

Freya meanwhile has some vision about Killain.  It’s always oh woe is me with her and I really don’t care about her love life at this point.

Ingrid’s at the library talking to her token best friend.  She apparently applied to a job that she’s under-qualified for and lied on about having a doctorate degree.  She acts like she’s more qualified than most people because she really loves the subject matter.  Having actually suffered through a doctoral program I’m giving Ingrid the stink eye on this.  And for wearing ANOTHER cardigan.

Joanna and her estranged husband have bonding time.  It’s just sort of awkward.  Though they have more chemistry than Ingrid did with every single one of her boyfriends.  But her estranged husband is no Harrison Ford or Brad Pitt.

More moaning about Freya’s love life.  Apparently, she now has Phoebe Halliwell powers.  Really, show, really?  When will you not rip off Charmed.

Seems they’re trying to give Wendy a love interest.  I approve. She’s the only decent character on this show. The love interest seems to be a rift on the guy that Melissa de la Cruz paired up Ingrid with in the books.  He has better chemistry with Wendy-just saying.  Then again, TV Ingrid has tainted any love I had for that character.  Well, it didn’t help with the whole annoying virgin subplot in the book.

Back to Dash trying to figure out what’s wrong with him…boring.

Annoying family bonding moment where Ingrid does magic to lighten up the mood and laughs.  She’s become even more annoying this season.  How is that possible?

Jo is getting sicker.  This of course leads to Lifetime melodrama which let’s daddy dearest (the estranged husband) make a quick exit.

Ingrid’s Interview: she’s unkept, late, and her future boss is unimpressed.  Unimpressed with her lying too.  Good for him. He tells her she’s a loser (stating the obvious) and leaves.

S0 what does Ingrid do?  She goes to the bar to bemoan in a neutral color cardigan (instead of the nasty green one she wore to the interview)  to bemoan about why she didn’t get a job she wasn’t qualified for.  Her token friend tells her to use a spell, Freya agrees.  Aren’t you NOT suppose to use magic for self gain? Whatever.  She ends up doing a ritual with her lame glass of white wine, gets the job and then falls on her ass (no joke about that).

And Dash gets more freaked out while getting his McDreamy on.

Meanwhile, Freya’s bemoaning about her love life gets interrupted by Ingrid’s stupidity and Wendy has to fix it (like everything else) and flirts more with the cute EMT.

Dash goes into the bar glares at Freya and gets a phone call telling him his brain is as messed up as Ingrid’s.  Boy do I feel for him.

Joanna talks about how she’s okay with dying and then Freddie…

Oh, Lifetime.

Really?

Really?

This is the character that ended up ruining the book series.  Did you really bring him on here?

At least he’s cute and he’s not as stupid (so far) as the book one.  But I was really hoping he’d never appear despite your foreshadowing last season.  Why didn’t you get the message.  Are their actually Freddie fans out there?

Dear lord.

At least Wendy has common sense.

While at the bar Freya makes an ass of herself in front of Dash by asking about the welfare of his brother.  That she was having an affair with.  You just don’t do that Freya.  Just don’t.

Poor Dash.  That and the I Know What You Did Last Summer threats have to kill him.  Oh, and finding out your a wizard with no Hogwarts letter.

Really, that blows.

As Freya bemoans about Killan the camera pans out to the Caribbean.  Yep, the boat apparently floated all the way down there with no one finding it.  He has himself a Freya replacement and they are getting it on.

You know, Freya will be having a pity party in a couple of episodes over that with a bunch of slut slamming included.

I’m not even going to go into the end other than that it was stupid and probably won’t make sense till the last episode.  Overall, this particular episode wasn’t horrible.  It wasn’t great either.  It was fairly typical of the show so I’m giving it a C.

Best Moment: Wendy’s moments with the EMT

Worst Moment: Freddie being a cast Member

Cringe Worthy Moment: Anytime Ingrid’s on My  Screen.

Shirtless Moments: Unfortunately, none.  But lots of scrubs moments.

 

The Son Also Rises:

We open up with a shot of Halliwell Manor when it’s not Hollywood Manor.  Jo is concerned because her thirty year-old daughter wasn’t home at the crack of dawn making an ass of herself.  Instead, she’s laying in the back yard making an ass of herself.  We know she was sleep walking in the previous episode.  So, it’s not a big deal.

More of Dash unsuccessfully trying to get into Hogwarts and a blackmail call.  Given the state of evidence, I’m betting he could chalk it up on bad video editing not murder.  But that’s just me.

Ingrid’s alive-unfortunately. She sounds like she’s high on something with the way she’s talking about her appetite and waking up in the backyard but since she’s Ingrid I really doubt she is on something.  Jo  and Wendy tell them they have a brother they take it pretty well.

Wendy like me is still less than impressed with Freddie.  Once again, the only character with common sense on this show.

Freddie and Freya start talking about astral projection and twin stuff.  All I have to say is Prue Halliwell and why would anyone want to willingly be related to Freddie.  Yes, I know I’m talking about book Freddie not TV Freddie.  But still, if he’s anything like book Freddie that’s someone’s DNA I would not want in common.They also talk about how Freya is a princess.  She acts shocked.  I just sort of nod my head.  I mean, only royalty gets away with talking about their pathetic love life so much.

There is something up with Freddie as we find out later on.  At this point, not exactly how to describe it other than I think Lifetime wants us to find it creepy and we fade to commercial (finally).

I use this opportunity to do important things like check the weather.

Wendy does some spying in her cat suit.  I really do like Cat Wendy which reminds me I really want a cat.  The EMT she was flirting with pets her another point for him guys who like animals always get a plus sign on the likability factor.  Wendy the cat spies on him and finds out he has a kid.  Obviously, a misunderstanding will occur.

Ingrid starts her new job and her new boss tells her he was forced to hire her and that she’s a loser (I like this guy).  I should also note, Ingrid is wearing the same cardigan as she wore when she fell on her ass drinking white wine in the last episode.

Dash’s paranoia at this point is getting predictable so I am hitting the FF button.  Thank God for the DVR.

Oh, wait I have to watch Jo and Wendy and their pie get ditched by Dash.  Yeah, I have to say I’m amused with him telling them to get lost.

A big Fourth of July Party-well, their timing is off-is going on.  Wendy claims to feel a chill in the air (this is only stated five hundred times the rest of the episode) just like her starring at the EMT while Jo talks to her drip of a son when Freya isn’t.

Trying to show that twin bond which really isn’t working since Freya more or less looks like she’s into her twin.

 

Between the champagne glasses they try to astral project for Killian and of course fail.

Ingrid’s boss says she’s a loser because she’s a librarian.  Now, I’m starting to hate him.  You can diss Ingrid as much as you want, God knows I do, but do not diss librarians.  They are bad ass.  Unless of course, they try to torment their patrons by putting really horrible YA books on their feature shelf like Ingrid does.

Freya is not doing her work because she’s trying to book a flight (Jesus, girl just use Priceline)  and is talking to her brother.  Outrageously enough, patrons are getting upset with her and a little rowdy.  Of course, her new screw partner   twin defends her honor as any good brother should.  However, because magic is involved Freya must use the power of love to soother his tormented magical soul.

Seriously, he would’ve been better off NOT being related to her.

Lifetime does not know how to write sibling relationships.

Ingrid gets yelled at for improperly handling a book.  And gets into an argument.  Her boss leaves and is Lifetime punished-he’s dead.  It’s actually a rather dramatic death at the Fourth of July picnic (apparently).

Back in the Caribbean, Killian performs some sort of ritual with his love buddy that reveals he has magic.  She says its because of their love. Oh, Lifetime, we know you are totally going to be slut slamming her.  It’s not even funny at this point.  And it sort of upsets me, because this girl could be an interesting diverse character, but their just going to make her a stupid impediment to the Freya/Killian love fest.

The show ends sort of on a low note.  The fireworks are rained out and Ingrid tells everyone she’s moving out.  Given the fact she’s randomly sleep walking this probably isn’t the best idea, but she actually thinks that’s the reason she’s sleep walking (living with her mother).  Honestly, I could care less about Ingrid’s living situation and just want to get this double viewing done by watching the painfully induced magic fireworks on top of the ceiling.

Overall Rating: D a very droll episode.

Best Moment: Ingrid being told she’s useless

Worst Moment: Actually, siding with Ingrid.

Cringe Worthy Moments: Freya and Freddie.

Shirtless Moments: None.  Again.  What’s wrong, show. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

Tuning In: Not Freddie (Witches of East End)

This episode is actually called “Snake Eyes” which isn’t such a bad title, I just want to have a bit of a PSA here for Lifetime, do NOT bring the character Freddie on to the series unless you heavily revamp him.  Because he sucks as a character…that being said, let’s review this episode, which was fairly good save for many anvil hints about that boob of a character, better known as Freddie.

The first scene starts in the bar where Freya is serving breakfast-in a bar.  That doesn’t serve food  Just drinks round the clock.  She’s talking to Ingrid who is back to wearing horrible cardigans-this one an orange/pink  one.  Seriously, Lifetime the actress who plays Ingrid is very pretty but she’s a redhead.  Redheads for the most part do not wear pink.

Oh, God, there’s are lame villain whose name I still don’t remember making some spell which will of course affect the entire episode since the credits flash after her smirk.

Jo tells Wendy that she kept the serpent amulet thing.  Wendy being the only responsible one tells Jo that she’s stupid.  We find out that the serpent is a portal key.  To Asgard of all places.  Funny thing, none of these characters seem to know what Asgard is.  Obviously, they have never seen Thor and therefore are missing out on life.  Seriously, as a former DC purist, I was really missing something until I watched the first Thor on a dare.  Now, I love that movie and Marvel for that matter.  Though I’m still not a Hulk fan for the most part and Batman could probably kick most of their asses anytime becuase well…he’s Batman.

OOh, the library.  Where people check out books.  Well, not this library.  They just check you out and gossip.  If my librarian did that, I’d be pissed.  I mean, I talk to the librarians if I want a book not to talk about hot and not hot patrons.  Mike, Not Andy replacement, is obviously going to be Ingrid’s new squeeze and is doing book research on witches and Asgard.  Once again, someone show him that movie.

Freya is being bitchy to Killian, enough said.  Really, I find all her parts to be eye roll worthy.  You know I’ve read and watched plenty of love triangles, but this one really does remind me of something you’d see on a bad love triangle.  Even that stupid Robin/Patrick/Sabrina triangle that currently is going on General Hospital is better than this.  And we all know Patrick is going to pick Robin as soon as he realizes she’s alive.  Just like Freya will probably pick the bartender because he’s hot and there’s been so much build up between the two of them.  Not actual buildup though, but sexual tension buildup which means when they actually get together it’s going to be awkward.

Wendy visits Jo in her studio where she’s painting Georgia O’Keffe like paintings.  I have no words, except this is the appropriate network for them.  They talk about how the portal and how Wendy knows Joanna wants to bring back him (more about this later in a mini rant).  Jo is all mopey and has to go to the bathroom or whatever and somehow Wendy is stupid enough to get that amulet thing on her wrist.

Back to the library, Ingrid’s stupid friend talks about how Ingrid got her pregnant with that stupid spell.  This is really pretty much useless much like the next scene with Freya and Killian where Killian tells Freya he dumped his girlfriend.  During all this lameness, Freya gets delivered some what we find out to be deadly-ish flowers and the big bad decides to show up.

Welcome to Evil Wendy, the serpent seems to be controlling you.  Plan to roll and groan during this whole sequence.  Especially when they talk about Freddie who was one of the lamest (if not the lamest) character in the series.  Seriously, this is a character that’s stupid enough to sign a contract in blood without even reading the damn thing.  What’s next, Lifetime, are you going to bring in those stupid pixies?

Please say no, please say no, please say no……

Freya passes out and is taking back to the Big Bad’s lair where she’s given some tea. And since Freya is the show’s Disney princess, she drinks it.  Obviously, there are consequences.  And at this point I wonder why I even bother with this stupid show.

Ingrid’s at the library and bonds with New Not Andy they talk about his work and her work.  All I really know is that they really need to not focus on having Ingrid in a relationship at this point.  I think it would do wonders for her character, if they developed her as a single woman instead of trying to force all these guys down the viewers throat.  And maybe, she could get a makeover when she’s having some me time.  Seriously, the hair and cardigans are horrible this episode.  And it’s sort of sad because the actress  is pretty and some of the outfits she wears has redeemable features.

Man, Wendy is really giving it to Jo.  I wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t the constant mentioning of Freddie and now Jo’s husband.  I really was hoping those two characters were gone.  I liked Jo with hot lawyer guy.  They should’ve kept him.

Back to the library, Ingrid gets schooled on Asgard.  And I just have to once again laugh at her ineptness of not ever seeing Thor.  Or even flipping on the TV and seeing the trailer of the film which undoubtedly mentions Asgard.  Man, if Lifetime actually does decide to go to Asgard, I have a feeling it’s going to be hilariously bad.

While Jo is trying to battle Evil Wendy, the Big Bad sucks out Freya’s soul…er magic.  Dash dashes (ha, ha, bad pun) right before she gets to the soul sucking dementor stage and saves her life and they make up.  Only catch is Freya can’t use her magic now.

Jo eventually gets the upper hand on Wendy and she becomes de-brainwashed just as teh girls come home.  Ingrid tells her mother about Asgard, Jo freaks out but really doesn’t tell her anything.  Seriously, when will she ever learn.  And of course, all attention turns to Freya when she comes home and says her magic is gone.

At this point I’m just annoyed.  There were lots of nice things about this episode.  But I just feel like the pacing on this show is messed up.  Things are dragging.  I could care less about the twenty minute circle-go-round conversations involving Freddie.  And once again, I’m going to reiterate that I hope Lifetime does not go there.  Up until this point, most of the changes they have made have actually been on the smart side.  I enjoyed the insertion of Wendy, the killing of Not Andy, and the deaging of Jo.  But Freddie, really?  Well, I got over Bram being named Dash (well, sort of).  Both are stupid names.  Just like I’m pretty sure Freddie will be dumb in this incarnation, if he should appear, too.

Overall Rating: C+

Tune In: Witches of East End (1.4 “A Few Good Tailsmen”)

It’s Sunday and I have nothing better to do than watch Witches of East End.

Okay, I have a lot to do actually, but I record this show on the DVR mainly because General Hospital isn’t airing that particular day and I need something soap opera-ish to make fun of and it’s like the perfect show to review for this blog because I read the equally crappy series.

Okay, to be fair the TV series might be a little better.

Little being the operative word.

I really had such high hopes for this series when it began.  It looked like it could be my Charmed replacement, but nope I think I prefer my Charmed DVDs to this one.  Though, I’ll probably keep watching it mainly because (well, this blog and there’s nothing better going on).  That being said, let’s see what’s going on this drama fest this week.

Recap of Last Week: If you don’t want to read last week’s recap by yours truly, all you need to know is Jo learned that she shouldn’t have no magic cliche because it never works (Jesus, you would’ve thought Disney would’ve taught you that already).

 

Anyway, this weeks episode starts up with a flashback is Salem (or what I think is Salem).  As far as accuracy goes here they don’t stay in Salem long enough for me to bitch.  That’s a plus.  Jo beats up creepy old guy in the flashback and we flash to the women acting all Halliwell in the kitchen.  Unfortunately, there is no Leo and Cole in the kitchen to salivate over.

Lifetime though will remedy that situation soon with Dash.  I actually sort of feel bad for the actor, I think he was forced to sign a Jacob Black contract-you know, not have your shirt on for x amount of scenes.  He is pretty to look at though, that’s a plus.  Though I think his talents would’ve been better suited for General Hospital (which by the way is a far superior show because it knows how to work its campiness).

After some stupid antics that are facilitated by Wendy, Joanna’s lawyer takes a deposition for a character witness (who I know nothing or care nothing about).

And now we’re getting some Dash chest.  Most of the scene is focused on his chest, but we get a few diatribes about how his brother hurt him by cheating with his last girlfriend/fiancee.  And they talk about Freya’s relationship with her future mother in-law.  And how mother in-laws always love their daughter in-laws (try telling that to my grandma).

We then go to the library-better known as the place all the Lifetime cliche coworkers work.  We see that Barb who believes Ingrid knocked her up via a spell (it’s amazing that these librarians did not pay attention in health class).  She wants boring Ingrid (who wears two cardigans in this installment) to be godmother.  Even though Ingrid would probably be the worst godmother ever, but whatever.

 Freya talks to her mother in-law who looks like Heather Webber’s slightly younger and thinner sister.  Like the rest of the cast in this show, she has horrible taste in clothing and wears some weird ensemble that I think is supposed to show how rich she is.  Instead, I’m thinking total disaster that the costume designer ordered off of QVC when he or she was drunk.  Anyway, she wants Freya to get both her sons to come and eat with her which is just sort of stupid since they’re probably act like they are on Jerry Springer or whoever.

 

Joanna gets yelled at by the victim’s wife.  I’m amazed she’s on bail without an anklet or being housebound.  Wendy doesn’t like the fact that the victim’s wife is saying shit about Jo and she puts a spell on her that makes the victim’s wife end up in the hospital.  Joanna and her hot lawyer go to the murder scene and instead of-I don’t know, hiring an independent CSI to do an investigation so that they could nail the prosecution on cross, she decides to have psychic visions like Phoebe freaking Halliwell.  Except unlike Phoebe her eyes get all freaky when she gets a vision.

Hmmm, Phoebe visions and  hot lawyer guy that’s obviously in to her.

So, not going to say it (you know what I’m thinking).

 Ooooh God, Ingrid and painful romance here we come.  Not Andy comes visiting at that bar where everyone goes because Lifetime had a budget to only make x sets.  Genius that Freya is, she claims Not Andy and Ingrid are instantly in love.  Obviously, she’s read one too many YA books.  Ingrid in typical YA fashion freaks out.  I’m freaking out about how she always wears cardigans.  Can she go one episode without wearing a cardigan or not being annoying?

 Why do I ask such difficult questions?

 Freya fails with Killian.  He smirks at her and acts all sexily (yeah, I had to put that word in here thank you My Immortal).

 Dash is a doctor, I didn’t know that.  He actually looks really good in scrubs, then again I sort of have a thing for doctors.  But wow, I didn’t think he looked that good in clothes.  Now, I really don’t understand why he’s naked all the time.  Anyway, he’s talking to the woman that Wendy traumatized and pulls out some sort of parasite from her mouth.  Ominous music plays as they focus on the parasite and…..cut to the stock image of Halliwell Manor.

 Wendy is looking up insects online and happens on a picture of a guy that looks like Robert Irvine’s slightly less attractive younger brother (it’s really Freddie Prinze JR who looks nothing like Freddie Prinze JR).  Freya barges in and is like how do I get the Gardiner brothers to eat dinner.  Wendy gives her the spell and tells her to get the hell out.

 Meanwhile Phoebe and Cole Jo and Hot Lawyer go visit the character witness who is in danger according to her vision while Wendy visits Robert Irvine’s brother.  He’s impressed with her state of undressed he let’s her in (i.e. he probably thought his friends bought him something for his birthday).  I’m wondering if Wendy has ever gotten arrested for the whole going around naked in public thing.

 Not Andy surprises boring Ingrid (who is wearing a white cardigan now) at the library with a romantic dinner.  It’s sort of sweet, though I hope he didn’t serve anything that smelt too strongly or that it wasn’t a particularly musky area of the library.  Though sweetness aside, those two have horrible chemistry.  And when she breaks up with him, I’m like yay she got a clue.  But noooo, she breaks up with him because she’s afraid she loves him and then that means that there’s a chance he’ll die.

 Oh, the drama.

 Back at Robert Irvine’s  brother’s house, Wendy is sharing at the butterflies and is trying to seduce the brother to get one.  Of course, she ends up getting the butterfly after some sappy dappy lines and comparing him to Indiana Jones.

 I had to use some mind bleach on that one since Indiana Jones was one of my first crushes and the character Freddie is playing is NO Indy.

 Still at the dinner party, nothing has happened.  And I’m like duh character witness is not really character witness, but Jo is not as smart as me and of course gets trapped.

Freya arrives at the Gardiner mansion and here’s piano music.  Oh, God not this cliche that  Cassandra Clare started with stupid Jace to make him look softer because he was an asshole.  Oh wait, it wasn’t Clare it was SMeyer who started this stupid trend.   Ugh.  We learned that Killian used to play piano until he hurt his hand and then decided to change his career.  Never mind that plenty of musicians hurt their hand and still are able to play once the injury has healed (case in point, my father broke his wrist and once it healed he was able to play his stupid saxophone again with his band).  Dinner ends up being sort of a bust since Killian doesn’t understand why Freya kisses Dash  even though she is engaged in him.

Meanwhile, a Lifetime Drama moment occurs when Barb collapses while talking to Ingrid about her insta love.  At the hospital Ingrid’s other drippy friend tells her she saved Barb’s life even though we all know it’s her damn thought she’s in this trouble and Ingrid continues to mope….

Back to the climax with Jo and the bald guy.  Of course she eventually gets the upper hand, but not until after a commercial break and some Dr. Evil torturing.  Eventually, she tries asking him some questions. He essentially laughs in her face and tells her to get lost because he knows she’s not going to kill him and she’s not Batman.  So, what is the point?

Anyway, guesses for the big bad?  My guess is on lawyer dude because a) he’s a lawyer, b) he’s taking the role of Cole it seems, and c) it seems to fit since I know nothing else about his backstory.  I actually sort of want him and Jo together though so with my luck he is the big bad shifter.

Freya gets comforted by Dash for her failed dinner.  Obviously, they end up going to bed together.  Alas, it appears that Dash has fulfilled his Jacob Black contract for the episode since we don’t get some chest.

At the hospital, Wendy sets all things right with the stupid butterfly.  Essentially I didn’t care much for this part just that there’s horrible CGI going on here.

 Anyway, we cut back to mopey Ingrid who’s crying about how she caused Barb to be in surgery with a possible miscarriage.  Not Andy comes over, Ingrid’s like Barb and the baby are basically dead so…yeah, she makes out with him and then he collapses because it’s true loves kiss.  See, YA authors insta love kills.  Lifetime tried to make this all dramatic in stuff by having the kiss in the rain and everything, but it just comes off like a Kay’s Jeweler’s commercial with a horrible ending.  And God Ingrid’s voice drives me nuts.  She’s sooooooooooooooooooooooo annoying.  I’m laughing throughout all this drama when I should be emotional and crying.

That just doesn’t work for me, especially when insta love is involved and we cut to the preview which is just as big as a nonsensical mess as this episode.

Overall Rating: This episode gets a C/C- it’s alright.  But God……..I’m starting to really get annoyed with parts of this show.

Tuning In: Obviously, no one read the Samantha Books

It’s episode six of this show!

It’s actually sad that this show is still on the air

I know I sound so cynical, but after last weeks episode, I think I have a right to question the status of this show.  I mean, how is watching a cardigan obsessed librarian, quality entertainment?

You know what, I don’t care.

It’s time to watch yet another episode in which they make a mockery over the Edwardian era.

I should mention this right now, I had (still have) a Samantha Parkington doll when I was growing up and was obsessed with her era (which is the Edwardian era, despite the fact that American Girl improperly categorized it as the Victorian era).  One thing about those American Girl books, despite the melodrama-and boy, is Samantha filled with melodrama with kidnapping orphans and saving old men from dying of a concussion- they actually do teach you some things about history.  I think that if the creators of the show would’ve read these books when they were younger, well…this episode might’ve come off a little better.

Note, I’ll probably be referring to those characters a lot in this recap.  So, if you didn’t grow up with American Girl you should check out their Wikia if your curious about the hot uncle and cantankerous grandma I keep referring to.

Bastardizing history aside, this wasn’t a terrible episode.  Well, there were parts of it that were bizarre, unnecessary, and quite frankly off putting, but I’ve gotten to the point to accept this with this show.

It’s sort of sad.

Also, it’s not like it’s the worse thing to every appear on Lifetime.  That currently goes to A Country Christmas Story–which yes, I watched and yes I’ll be reviewing in the near future (probably when the WordPress version of the blog goes live).  But is it quality entertainment: hell no.

The episode starts off with Freya swimming in the pool where she bumps into Killian who is taking Dash’s place as being bare chested in the first commercial of the episode.  He has a Matt Bomer thing going on with him when he looks wet and it’s nice.  If this show is ever canceled he can join Dash on General Hospital.  Both of them are so pretty, speaking of Dash he interrupts this flirting session.  Sadly, he does not strip.  Though he does look nice dressed.  Freya and him continue to be all happy much to Killian’s dismay.

Ugh, Ingrid.  She’s not wearing a cardigan yet (obviously still in mourning) and Heather Webber’s younger sister (Killian and Dash’s momma) shows her a picture of Ingrid in the Edwardian era.  FYI, the way she’s styled would make Samantha Parkington’s grandmother throw a fit.

Freya is having a girl power realization with Wendy, saying she was able to tell Killian no when he was walking around sans night.  Obviously, this girl has never seen a Twilight movie.

Ingrid laments to Joanna about her bad photo.  She’s wearing a cardigan (light blue) again.  I’m glad she’s gotten back into her cardigans, I was sort of worried about her.  She’s whining about not knowing anything about her past life.  Time to get a therapist and get hypnotized.  Jo tells her she doesn’t want to carry the baggage from her past life…foreshadowing.

Dash is examining Killian.  I sort of have flashbacks when Grey’s Anatomy was good at this point and Dash has an assistant who looks just like Dr. Hank’s assistant from Royal Pains sans British accent.  She actually has pretty good chemistry with Killian.  Obviously, Freya will eventually hate her.  I actually hope though that they keep her on.  She’s a lot more likable than Ingrid and she’s only been on for about five seconds.

Meanwhile Ingrid is getting high on magic brownies.  I have no words, but this is the sort of PSA people should have to keep people from doing drugs.  This is the antithesis of how people want to act when they’re on drugs.  And Lifetime really over does it for the rest of the episode, just FYI.

And she ate a whole pan of them.  You know that her digestion system is eventually going to play havoc on her.  Not before she has a weird Orgy Porgy dream first.

I kid you not.  I’m actually surprised that this scene got on basic cable.  It’s just bizarre on so many levels.  At first I had to really wonder if there were LSD or something in those magic brownies.

And this is during the Edwardian era, FYI.  Where button up was in vogue.  And here Ingrid is having sex in front of like a dozen people.

Once again, Grandmary would not approve.

Dash and his assistant continue the Greys-ish like plot save for the medical thing they’re talking about involves magic not actual science and they don’t have sex in the examining room.  Poor Dash.  Oh, wait there’s Freya she might…she sees the magical mystery parasite thing and steals it.

Ingrid is still having magic brownie delusions (obviously no one cares to check on her) and we have more Edwardian flashbacks.  These actually look fairly decent, though it is sort of funny that all these Edwardian people are going to voodoo shops.

There’s Ingrid’s old boyfriend.  Obviously, she hasn’t told anyone else what’s going on since they all hate him like the Halliwells hated Cole Turner.

Freya brings home the parasite thing and finds out that you touch it you die.  Of course, she starts washing her hands profusely.  If she knew my sister, I’m sure she’d be drenching her hands in Purell right about now.

Wendy tells her no sweat, you have to make a potion.  Freya’s like I’m freaking out so you should make the potion, but Wendy’s like nope you make it because your the best potion maker ever.  Even though in this life the only potions you make are the ones people get drunk off of.

More Edwardian era flashback.  Ingrid comes visit with her hair half down-Grandmary does not improved.  I think they’re trying to get a Jane/Rochester vibe between Ingrid and Archibald.  It doesn’t work since Jane Eyre is a lot more kickass than Ingrid.  Turns out Ingrid is evil in this life (where have I seen this before) and turns an old lady young.  Of course, there are going to be consequences.  But who cares right then in there, those two are living in the cult of evil glory.

Freya makes a potion cue bad montage with a band I have never heard and don’t care for.  And now, cue the awkward scene where Freya must get everyone drunk.  You can all stop groaning now.

During the awkwardness, Dash tells Freya to shut up when it comes to talking about his work.  Apparently, he uses Freya as an escape.  Obviously, there are cracks in their relationship that Lifetime is fully intending to exploit later on in the season.   Dash tries to cover it up though by asking her to marry her that weekend, she agrees and the fight is forgotten for the time being.

Grandmary, would not be impressed with her couch being fornicated on.  Or for that matter a lady who is not married being the one to be having intercourse on said couch.  At least Evil Ingrid has more chemistry with Archibald than Dead not Andy.  That’s sort of sad.  I almost thought Archibald was Troy-the really hot Thor wannabe in the book series.  But considering how sadistic he is, that’s hopefully not the case.  Anyway, Elizabeth (old lady that turns young) dies and right after that her old brother comes in like Maurice from Beauty and the Beast demanding to see his sister.  I should mention that Ingrid and Archibald have obviously just had sex by the way they are dressed–Archibald isn’t wearing a shirt and Ingrid is wearing a bathrobe that doesn’t cover much at all.

This is the Edwardian era, producers.

Remember.

If Samantha Parkington got in trouble for snagging her tights, you can only imagine the sort of shit that would go down if two unmarried people were found in their bathrobes back then.

But I digress.

It seems the drunk party moved from the bar to the pool.  And holy cow, both guys are in their swimsuits.  Lifetime you do impress.  That gives the episode a point right there.   In their drunken stupor they talk about how there are catacombs under the house and they want to explore them.  It’s the most random thing ever. But their drunk, so I guess it’s okay for them to talk about it.

And back on the voyage of the Magic Brownie…Past Wendy confronts Ingrid and tries to have an intervention since Ingrid is in a wedding dress that is way too low cut for the period and is like you can’t marry Archibald.

Obviously, Days of Our Lives didn’t exist in that period or Wendy would’ve known this technique does not work.  And man, Ingrid just looks crazy in those shots.  I know that is completely subjective but the way they have her hair styled…Happy Acres is in her near future.

Catacomb exploring: Freya and Killian bonding.  Roll your eyes time.  Though I have to say, Freya here in TV-verse is way more tolerable than Freya in book-verse.  It’s so totally going to be Killian for the end game though, you can just tell with the way the pacing is here.  In the midst of the catacombs, Freya finds a lot of those bug things.  She freaks out and is found by Dash.

Ingrid continues her magic brownie delusions as Wendy confronts Archibald like a crazy lady.  This has mixed results considering that Ingrid dies as a result of it.  Hey, whose kidding, it’s not mixed.  It’s fantastic.  Too bad that Ingrid is alive now. And it seems that dying results in Ingrid becoming sober (damn it).

Freya and Dash walk back from the catacombs and agree that maybe marrying at a later date is a better idea (you think). This is of course filled with mushiness, meaning that there’s a high chance that these two kids are toast.

Joanna gives Ingrid the rundown what happened after Ingrid kicked the bucket.  How it basically made her have a hundred year old feud with Ingrid and how she watched the little kid that is soon revealed to be Dash and Killian’s momma.

At the end Freya tells everyone about the killer plants while Dash notices the bugs(bet he’s glad he got that booster shot now) and Ingrid is awkwardly avoiding Wendy (the coolest person on the planet for killing past Ingrid).

Tuning In: Witches of East End-Crazy Zombie Ingrid

So, this recap is long overdue.  I was out of town-getting sworn in, I’m a real Texas lawyer now ya’ll and doing other real life things so I couldn’t write my recap as soon as I hoped.  However, here I am.  I will say in advance this is one of the best and worst episodes.  I think best in terms for the actress who plays Ingrid, she’s still annoying as ever as Ingrid but she really did show her soap opera crazy acting skills in this episode.

It starts with her going all crazy trying to kill Ingrid.  A smart person would’ve thought this is a dream but no…what is a dream is Freya and Killian.  Seriously, she needs to see a shrink for all those making out with her fiance’s brother dreams she’s having instead having lovie buddy talk with Dash.

Oh no, Ingrid is back to wearing cardigans again.  Mourning is over folks.  I don’t get to focus on this much since like the books the show is all about Freya moaning about her love life.  Funny, it really wasn’t annoying me (much) until this particular installment.

And Ingrid is reading the Book of Shadows again.  That guarantees something shitty will be happening.  Wendy shows and tries to act all responsible  and tries to clue into the two idiot sisters lives, at least until she gets annoyed with them (it really doesn’t take that long-under two minutes).

We cut to the library where these librarians gossip more than actually do work.  Much like the bar in this town.  A new guy shows up that is so obvious suppose to be the new love interest for Ingrid-they have a hate at first site relationship.  New Guy is not that bad on the eyes, but I think Not Andy was cuter.  However, I do think New Guy is actually closer to the love interest that Ingrid has in the books personality wise.

Freya commits a cardinal sin as she gives Killian a haircut.  I notice during these moments that Killian looks a lot like Matt Bomer at some angles.  This makes me smile since Matt Bomer was my ideal casting for Killian.   This somehow turns to an almost kissable moment between the two of them even though I don’ t know how chopping off a guys hair is romantic but they’re interrupted by  Dash’s assistant who is now dating Killian.  Freya though, is able to get the goods to make her potion.

Ingrid is acting all mopey about her past life.  I flash forward through her whining since I’ve basically heard these scenes between her and Jo in the last episode.

Someone is walking in the cemetery.  Oh, it’s the mother in law from hell.  She resurrects not so dead dead Ingrid.  The visual effects are disgusting on Zombie Ingrid.

Jo tells Wendy that Ingrid realized that she killed her in the past.  The scene is portrayed as if the two are merely chit chatting they fashforward to Zombie Ingrid and the Heather Webber wannabe.  She basically wants her to still some serpent shaped amulet and lets her kill Wendy if she gets it-yawn.

Oh, there’s Freddie Prinze JR looking very old.  It’s amazing that he was in She’s All That he looks more like he should’ve been in a John Hughes era movie than a late 90’s movie.  I take that back Molly Ringwald and the most of the rest of the Brat Pack look better preserved than that.   It’s very, very sad.

Library fundraising party.  In other words, we didn’t have enough money to build a new set so we’re using the library.  Completely random character hits all pervert like on Ingrid–who rescues her Mr. Insta Hate.  I really, really, hate the over use of cliches in that relationship.  Also, at the party Freya and Dash continue to look adorable he offers to take her to Paris.

Note from years of viewing of daytime television, those two are toast.  Paris trips are never good for a couple just ask Patrick and Robin, Greenlee and Leo, and any other daytime couple.

Sure enough, Freya freaks out at the party and tells Killian to forget about the kiss.  Guess who overhears?

If you guessed Dash you are psychic or like me watched too many soap operas.

Zombie Ingrid knocks on Wendy’s hot hide away with Freddie Prinze JR.  You know, Zombie Ingrid adapted very easily to modern day customs. She actually has better fashion sense than Real Ingrid.  And damn, if Zombie Ingrid can look psycho.  Come to think of it, I saw Ingrid in a Lifetime Christmas not that long ago and I thought her character pretty crazy then.  Though she didn’t physically torture people. She just…well, tortured them by singing.

And now Present Ingrid is painfully flirting with Obvious Love Interest 2.  Well, she got over Not Andy fast.  That’s all I’m saying.

Dash finally confronts Freya and it’s about as painful and as stupid as I thought the confrontation would be.  I seriously, think those scenes where Kiki found her ex-husband sleeping with her mother on General Hospital were better acted and that’s saying something.

Zombie Ingrid continues to act all Dr. Evil on Wedny until she grabs her heart much like Mola Ram on Indiana Jones and the temple of doom.

And eeeeewwwwwwww Flowers in the Attic trailer on commercial.  My friend was reading these when I was studying abroad with her in Ireland and I got interested in the books.  Read one and about had a puke fest when I realized just how much incest is involved.  Lifetime really needs to air a PSA after that trailer.  Still, it looks sort of addicting in the bad Twilight sort of way.

Anyway, Jo saves Wendy.  And I pretty much groan.  And Ingrid doesn’t tell her as she plays twenty questions.  Freya barges in and complains about her love life. Of course, everyone pays attention to that more than Poor Wendy who’s passed out on the bed.

Of course, Wendy wakes up they have a whole heart to heart and get along like buddy bears.  This only last a minute or so, so we can return to Freya who laments about her love life so much Jo decides to do her cards.  And dare I say it she’s referencing Norse mythology (well, she probably is if this show actually has enough sense to follow that aspect of the books).

Wendy tells Joanna that Heather Webber’s sister wants the serpent’s necklace thing which apparently opens up a portal.  Jo says it doesn’t exist.  Funny,she seems to know where it is minutes later… Oh, and Wendy apparently only has one life to live (cue the music).

And that’s it.  Sigh.  This episodes was rather meh.  I liked the veracity that the actress who plays Ingrid has.  I think I like her better now that I know she can do other roles than Lifetime Annoying, but at the same time.  What a lame episode.

Overall Rating: C

Tune In: Witches Of East End (1.5 Electric Avenue)

Good news folks, Ingrid does not wear a single cardigan in this episode.  Obviously, TPTB listen to me.  Or maybe not since she whines and mopes more than normal.

That in itself has me scared.

I should mention also mention this, remember how happy I was last episode when Not Andy died because I’d never be forced to see him and Ingrid interact with awkwardly with each other again.

I didn’t get my wish.  For most of this episode.  I had to watch what was a pathetic reenactment of Ghost with worse CGI and no Patrick Swayze to have my heart a bopping.  Instead, I had to deal with Ingrid whining and wearing something that resembled a nightgown on Little House on the Prairie.  That being said, there were some decent things about this episode.

Like Ingrid not wearing a cardigan and I finally found the perfect name for Dash–which I’ll get to in a bit.

The episode of course starts with the moping and Ingrid looking all crazy when Wendy (the only Beauchamp with any sense) comes and checks on her before talking to not Andy.

Cue the credits.

And we cut to Freya who found an old wedding dress that we’ll later find out was Ingrid’s death gown.  Romantic right?

Then we flash to Jo and Wannabe Cole who’s actual name is Harrison I found out.  This is actually hilarious given a line that is said later in the episode.

Freya’s at work which means that she’s flirting with Killian.  It’s sort of hilarious that these people at whatever bar it is that Freya works at never work.  Anyway, Freya spots Dash’s dead girlfriend and doesn’t realize she’s dead.

More ghost/witch romance.  Since this is not The Mediator series by Meg Cabot, I could care less.  Also, I sort of know that on the show he’s leaving after this episode so why should I care.  Automatic fashforward on the DVR.

OOh, court scenes.  I sort of have to laugh at these sorts of things given that they’re never accurate.  I mean, look how nice and pristine that courtroom looks and empty.  And the judge is so willing to make the parties behave.  Oh yeah, this was so not a David E. Kelly production.  The witness admits she doesn’t remember seeing anything and goes delusional.  Obviously, this causes for a dismissal since there’s no evidence and no one wants to get slammed by CNN for this.

Back to Ingrid who tells Not Andy he’s dead.  He takes it pretty well (not).  I continue to fashforward because I really don’t give a shit.

When Freya wears Ingrid’s wedding dress Wendy freaks out because Ingrid died in it.  I really can’t blame Freya for not knowing since it didn’t come with a cardigan.  Anyway, Wendy Prue’s off the dress and Freya is wearing a slip which actually would be a more appropriate wedding dress for her.

Freya is freaking out about the Not Dead girlfriend and tells Wendy about it.  Wendy tells her to do the sensible thing talk to Dash.  Really, I don’t understand why this character gets yelled at by Jo all the time.  She’s the only one who makes freaking sense.

Once Jo’s case is dismissed, Harrison is like let’s get it on.  Jo is weirded out about the quick dismissal.  She eventually decides to get drunk with Harrison which is what sensible people do.

Not Andy figures out he’s dead.  Cry, cry, cry.  More fashforward as Ingrid tells him she’s a witch and wants to have witch/ghost sex with him.

I have to say this episode is really annoying me at this point, mainly because it reminds me of a bad episode of Charmed with some Ghost thrown in.  And I love Ghost.  It’s the only sad movie I like.  Maybe if there would’ve been some buildup between Not Andy and Ingrid, and Ingrid wouldn’t be all crazy all the time, I might’ve liked them but man…I want Suze and Jesse and ghost/human relationship that actually works. Note, Suze is not a witch.  Maybe that’s why it works.

Back to the bar, where you guess it, Freya is there to “work”.  Really, even soap opera characters work sometime.  All Freya does it flirt and apparently yell at the ex–girlfriend who she learns is dead.

And then we cut to commercial and I see that there’s going to be a Lifetime Christmas movie with Dolly Parton.  I love Dolly Parton.  Obviously, I’m going to DVR this one.  Hopefully, Dolly will be able to move her face.  She’s almost had so much plastic surgery you have to wonder if her lips can actually move.

Back to the TV show (because I have to-unfortunately),  Jo yells Wendy for saving her ass.  Really, Wendy shouldn’t put up with this shit.  She’s the best freaking character on this show.  Anyway, Jo continues to drink she and Harrison look at each other.  While Wendy deals with Freya’s shit the Dead Ex-Girlfriend.  They realize that Ingrid has been playing with the spirit world.  They tell her what an idiot she is.  She cries and tells them she’s not sending her boyfriend back to the realm of the dead since she wants to have ghost sex with him.

Okay, I’m just going to say it right now.  I hate TV Ingrid more than I hated Book Ingrid which should be impossible.  While it’s true that I loved Book Ingrid up till  her virginity became a major plot point, TV Ingrid absolutely sucks.  Really, there’s nothing redeemable about her.  I get she’s trying to be Lifetime quirky but it’s gone way too far.  And mopey bad pajama dress Ingrid is worst than Cardigan Ingrid and that’s saying something.  I don’t want to be mean to the actress either.  Yes, her voice is grating to me, but I think it’s more the way the character is written than anything else.

Jo and Harrison are getting it on (we all saw that coming) she zaps her clothes on and decides to play mommy even though Harrison wants to eat Chinese food.  Honestly, I’d eat the dumplings with the hot naked guy and ignore my loon of a daughter, but who am I to judge?  This thirty second scene showed waaaaaay more chemistry than Not Andy and Ingrid ever did.  But I guess Julia Ormond did learn from the best.  After all, she did makeout with Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt.

There’s Dash being all McSoapy (yes, that’s his new name).  He really knows how to put those scrubs to good use as his ex-girlfriend tries to haunt him.  His new girlfriend interrupts tries to get her Suze Simon on and fails epically.  The ex-girlfriend ghost decides to bother Killian.  And electrocutes him.

Meanwhile, the neighbor went nuts because of Wendy and Jo lectures her.  Even though Jo really doesn’t have much to talk about because she killed a guy.  Wendy finally tells her off and walks away.  I really can’t say I blame her.  She’s the only character on this show with a brain.

Ingrid then tells Not Andy that it’s her fault she croaked and that he can only stay for the night.  He takes her craziness surprisingly well.  I fashforward.

McSoapy of course rescues Dash.  He really doesn’t even do much, but look at him.  I mean, this guy really would fit in so well at General Hospital.  Just saying…

Wendy and Jo make up.  Jo says a line that makes me laugh when she says I slept with Harrison because the actress, Julia Ormond, starred in a rom com with Harrison Ford.  And of course my mind goes to dirty places when it involves one Indiana Jones.

Killian wakes up looking remarkably like Matt Bomer via Season One of White Collar he is still  trying to steal Freya even from a hospital bed.  It’s sort of pathetic.  McSoapy comes in and Freya of course sucks face with him.

Freya confronts the attempted murderer unlike a smart person who would’ve hired Suze Simon or even Zak Bagans if they were really desperate and couldn’t find a fictional character to do their dirty work.

Jo talks some sense into Crazy Ingrid to return Adam back to the land of the dead.  She’s not that nice and honestly I’m sort of glad about it.  Though I probably would’ve just told Ingrid to fuck off.

Yes, that’s my motherly advice.

So Ingrid and Freya go to the cemetery and send the ghosts back to the beyond.  Ingrid tells Not Andy he can’t ever come back.  It’s probably true, unless of course ratings get bad and they decide to let him back on the show.  Really, these not-exorcism scenes are sort of pathetic.  I prefer the exorcisms that Meg Cabot provides in The Mediator series.  That murderous ex-girlfriend needed the Heather treatment.  Instead of a freaking reenactment of the kiss scene from Ghost.

Another favorite movie of mine ruined.  Thank you very much, Lifetime.

Bastards.

We cut to the end where Jo and Wendy made Crazy Lady’s delusions a little less violent and Ingrid is walking mournfully in the cemetery-still no cardigan, but in a reasonably decent blue dress-where she passes an old tombstone with her name on it.

Overall Rating: D+  there were a few interesting things about this episode.  But God Ingrid is just…………….let me just say that this show needs to take another page out of Charmed and have a long lost Beauchamp sister come out of the woodwork after Ingrid fatally injures herself.

And yes, I know I am not a nice person.

Tuning In: Witches of East End (Creepy Cardigans)

Guys, this episode was boring.

Really, Lifetime is going to pick up the pace soon because besides Ingrid’s horrible choice in cardigans, there’s not much to talk about.

Okay, there’s some stuff to discuss and I guess I have to give you a decent recap because of that.

So, where did we end off last time, oh yeah, Zombie Jo was writing some ominous looking symbol  that she’ll be doing several times throughout this episode.  It really doesn’t matter what it is because I still haven’t figured out what it is myself.

We start with a faux dream sequence, which I think is probably the shittiest way to start an episode.  After watching twenty-five years of daytime television, I’m pretty apt at spotting these shitty sequences (the giveaway was Freya, who was walking around in her negligee like they were my penguin pajamas)  and really didn’t pay much attention except to get myself some Sprite.

Unfortunately, the rest of the show wasn’t that much better.

Aunt Wendy wants to teach the girls magic, despite Jo’s objections.  You think since both girls have to be at least pushing thirty this would be a non-issue and they could tell their mom to screw it.  But no, we have a whole episode to learn this little life lesson with Wendy teaching magic lessons behind Jo’s back and Jo just being stupid.

Most of the magic lessons are really lame and make me miss the CGI effects from Charmed, even though that was the nineties and you’d think fifteen years later they’d be able to come up with something better.

Whatever though.  After having some lame magic lessons at the river we actually get back to the real drama.

Everyone goes to Freya’s bar because you know everyone drinks and is in dire need of hot wings.  I should mention that the bar is not a biker bar.  It’s surprising, I know, considering how much leather Freya wears when she’s not wearing the lacy Spanx, but I digress.

Drama, of course, occurs at the bar because where else would it take place?  Halliwell Manor?  Probably not since Jo is at home moping after she burned The Book of Shadows.

That’s right.  She burned The Book of Shadows.  So wrong on so many levels. And after that, she just got herself some wine coolers and reminisce  with more creepy flashbacks of the past that aren’t remotely historically accurate-but considering it’s Lifetime  I’ll give it a pass.

Meanwhile, at the bar sad Ingrid is dating Not Andy (the cop that arrested her mother) after he unceremoniously asked her out earlier at the library.  Unlike the book, she automatically said yes.  But I think she’s slightly more pathetic than in the book given the sad teacher-ish cardigan she wears on a date.

Seriously, teacher cardigans on a date.  And a salmon pink cardigan when you’re a redhead.  Not to mention the dress under the sad teacher cardigan looks like something a church lady would wear in the deep South in the 1990’s, but I digress…Really though, is it that hard for Lifetime to shop at Modcloth or Anthropologie.  I did some fashions sets for the characters in this book in the past and none of them were forced to wear Spanx or bad cardigans.

Bad fashion choices aside, the date is a disaster which isn’t surprising since the characters share no chemistry and Not Andy arrested Joanna just last episode.  And I really actually wanted to root for these two.  They look so pretty together, but god when they interact (eek!).  It’s really, really, bad.  Not Andy more or less treats Ingrid like a coworker.  Maybe if she wouldn’t wear salmon colored cardigans….

While Ingrid is making a fool of herself, Freya is getting fawned over by the CW Brothers.  Ian Somerhalder Wannabe (Killian) has gotten a job at the bar which makes sense since he wears leather and has a motorcycle. This causes Freya to go all Piper on the glasses at the bar. Later Dash after showing off his abs in his too tight underwear tells Freya about how Ian cheated with Dash’s old fiancee.  Freya is like…turn off.  Dash, of course, apologizes, but he really can’t emote any emotion so no one cares.

While Freya and Dash are frolicking in bed, Aunt Wendy comforts a drunk Ingrid telling her she’s the best witch ever.  This gives Ingrid the brilliant idea to attempt a spell to fix the spell she cast last week which has dire consequences (it’s going to cause one of these yahoos on this pathetic show to die).  Of course, her brilliant plan fails and she gets corpse hands because of that.  But Aunt Wendy can save the day with some amazing plastic surgery.

Early the next morning or late at night, Jo is making herself a handy dandy hangover fix me up when Zombie Jo comes in. Much like last week’s episode of General Hospital where Mask Anna faces off against Real Anna, we get a hideously coordinated fight which is only resolved when Freya shows up and is able to get her Prue on and throw a knife at Zombie Jo.

Real Jo realizes magic might have a place in their lives after all.  As Corpse Hands Ingrid and Aunt Wendy come in.   And they all get into a big pow wow about how the girls are going to learn magic.  Even though Ingrid is like no more magic for me, but Joanna is like I don’t give a fuck what you think Ingrid and they end up performing some Harry Potter wannabe spell.
We cut to the CW Brothers where Dash (who is actually wearing clothes) tells Killian not to mess with his woman and that he didn’t tell Freya everything.  I just roll my eyes as we then cut and go back to Ingrid and the cop who apologizes and then have the most awkward kiss ever.

I’m serious.  It’s that bad.  I really hate it when a couple that looks so great together fails.  And I’m blaming Ingrid on this one because I’m still mad about her choices in clothes and the fact she’s characterized as a Lifetime Intelligent Woman.

Finally, we cut to a creepy old guy who is apparently behind Zombie Joanna and this week’s boring episode with hideous fashion choices ends.

Tuning In: You could Also Watch that Episode of Charmed with the Painting

I think I have sort of a love hate relationship with this show.  It has some really good attributes, but at the same time….man, it reeks of trying to cash on on the very dead show named Charmed.  Hopefully, it will deviate from this formula as the show goes on, but right now all I can think of isCharmed, Charmed, Charmed.

So what happened this week?

Well, last week’s episode ended with a cliff hanger where Freya gets trapped into a painting a la Piper and Phoebe from that one episode of Charmed, poor Julia Ormond is arrested by Not Andy (Adam Noble), and Ingrid  is told she’s a witch by Not Grams (Aunt Wendy).

This week’s episode pretty much starts out with Ingrid freaking out about being a witch.  In a very Lifetime type of way might I add.  I really don’t get it Lifetime.  Why is it you try to make an woman with a smidgen of intelligence insecure?  Or as you probably like to call it Lifetime quirky.  Can’t she just be satisfied with being herself? And yes, this is a TV show and yes I know we have to have time to evolve these characters.  But Ingrid is just sad in that turquoise cardigan of hers that she never changes and never remotely seems to get dirty despite the fact she was digging in a cemetery (twice) this episode.

Anyway, she freaks out in her relatively clean cardigan for a good thirty minutes or so in the episode.  Aunt Wendy sort of helps out, but part of her curse turns into a cat.  However, unlike other cats in TV shows that involve witches she can’t talk and is sort of useless.

Too bad, I could use another Salem the Cat.

Anyways,  Joanna is getting booked in jail by Not Andy (better known as the character formerly known as Matt if you read the books).  This is pretty standard Law and Order, but Joanna knows a hot lawyer dude who is able to get bail for her in night court.  Though she’s upset because it’s one million dollars.  Actually, that’s pretty standard for a murder charge and she only has to really pay $100K to the bailsman, but that’s besides the point.  We know eventually she’ll be able to pay it because hello she lives in Halliwell manor and if you live in Halliwell Manor you obviously have some equity.

So, essentially Joanna is sitting on jail wondering how she went from smooching the likes of Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt to having two fully grown daughters one who happens to be married to Channing Tatum of Magic Mike fame for a good half hour or so.

Speaking of Magic Mike, we cut to the men in this show who all seem to be salivating over Freya.  Despite the fact that Ingrid doesn’t look that bad in her pencil skirt and cardigan they all go to Freya because she is wearing something that resembles Spanx with a little lace.  Lifetime tries to give us some brotherly bonding scenes here…but really we just get some nice shots of the guys arms.  At this point, they’re ready to go back to that painting in which the Red Skull Wannabe has been tormenting Freya for the past half hour by setting the painting on fire.

 

Somehow, she gets out without Captain America’s help and lands in the bathroom of the bar even though she should’ve burnt to a crisp because that painting had been burning for a long time (twenty minutes minus DVR time).

Instead of spraying herself down with Lysol like a sensible person would after landing on the bathroom floor,  Freya instead goes outside to flirt talk with Kilian who is doing his best  Ian Somerhalder.  They talk about nothing for a few minutes until Ingrid decides to interrupt the party.

Freya is pissed.

Obviously.  I would be too if someone was given me the Somerhalder eye and then my Lifetime cliche of a Prue Halliewell sister decided to interrupt.

However, annoyed as she is,  she goes with Ingrid finds out her mother is being held in jail for murder and that she’s a witch.

She throws a bitch fest about being lied to all her life.  And honestly, I was rolling my eyes till I heard that Joanna forced her to go therapy when hello….she knew she was an actual witch.

Seriously, child abuse much?

However, Aunt Wendy decides to change back to a human at this point and tells them they need to dig up Aunt Marilyn-which is really just a coffin filled with cash-so that they can bail out Joanna.

Really, like the cops won’t be raising some eyebrows when they bring 100K worth of Ben Franklins to the police station?

Not to mention why not just invest in  a Swiss bank account Joanna it would be so much more convenient.

Regardless of logic, they get Jo out of jail and Freya goes all Piper on her mother yelling at her about not telling the truth before.  Since I’ve seen this plot device on several seasons ofCharmed I decided to eat some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at this point.  Somehow they get the painting and decide that it would be best to destroy it by burying it.  Because unlike burning the painting, burying it in the soft moist dirt in the cemetary isn’t going to cause the painting and therefore it’s occupants to be destroyed….

Uh huh.

Luckily,  Dash decided to visit Freya during all this and we got to see them make out.  The actor really does have soap opera actor skills.  Pretty to look at, but really not that great of an actor.  Channing’s wife deserves….well, Channing or Ian Somerhalder wannabe who can at least give off brooding looks.

The episode ends with zombie Joanna doing something that’s not good.

Overall, this episode to me was a little lackluster.  I still enjoyed it, but I feel like this show is going too cliche in some routes.  At the same time, I am enjoying it.  That seems so odd for me to say that.  Maybe it’s because Lifetime knows how to do male bonding scenes-or at least knows how to show arm muscles in a way that gets this viewer  mildly interested.  That being said, I really find the mix of Lifetime and Charmed odd, and there hasn’t been one mention of the Norse mythology which were the witches origins in the books.  Maybe that is a good thing, in part.  I really don’t want to see Freddie-one of the dumbest characters to exist in fiction. And I  am wondering how Dash can actually be Loki when he can barely emote any emotion.  Then again, when you have Tom Hiddelston to compete with you’re sort of doomed from the get go.  Either way, I’ll be watching and be live tweeting* next week.

 

 

Tuning In: Witches of East End (Pilot)

I  read the Witches of East End series, I’m a Lifetime television fanatic.  So obviously I had to watch the TV series based on the book when it’s on Lifetime.

The Gist: The Beauchamp women are witches and have love life’s that make the residents of Port Charles, Salem, and Genoa City look normal.  Well, maybe not Port Charles.  I mean, there’s no mother in-law/son in-law relations going on.  But there’s Freya has relations (or almost relations in the television show) with her brother in-law so close enough.  Throw in some magic and the fact that Julia Ormond looks like a soap opera momma (meaning nowhere near old enough to have two full grown daughters) and if you’re nostalgic for supernatural soap operas you have one to watch.

I will say this right off the bat, the TV show differs quite a bit from the book.  And I actually think that did wonders for the pilot.   Though there were still some things better about the book that I’ll talk about later.  But most of the changes with I’m 100% behind-save for the name thing, I didn’t get some of the changes in names like Matt to Adam.  Really, that much of a difference?  Does Adam sound that much better than Matt?  And Dash is just about as ridiculous of a name as Bran, IMO.

Whatever.

I will say the things I was really skeptical about going in (the fact that the girls didn’t know about magic and the introduction to the character Wendy) surprisingly helped the TV show work.

To be honest about it, I was sort of going into this expecting it to be a total snark fest.  Luckily it wasn’t.  Oh, yeah, I’m still going to snark in my review/recap.  But it wasn’t near as bad as I thought it was going to be.

It’s sort of bad I went into this with such a poor attitude, but given the fact that the actual book series left a sort of sour taste in my mouth you can’t exactly blame me.

Now onto the show:

Characters:

Freya: She’s actually an improvement from book Freya.  Though the show still talks about her boobs a lot (seriously that first break, you could totally have a drinking game on how many times they referred to poor Channing Tatum’s wife’s breasts).  And I like that the TV writers made Freya not falling instantly into Killian’s bed.  Though it’s obvious that it’s coming.  The dream thing though, um, no.  That was just sort of lame.

Ingrid: She doesn’t seem like an icy librarian, so much as a so called Lifetime intellectual.  Not exactly a bad thing.  Though I do hate the forced Lifetime quirkiness that they try to give her.  It reminds me of that  character Poppy Montgomery played in that Lifetime movie I’m pretty sure was sponsored by The Biggest Loser.

Joanna: Julia Ormond does wonders for a character who I really had issues with in the book edition.  Maybe it’s in part that the TV version of Johanna is about twenty years younger than book Joanna.  Or that this Joanna seems to have a life outside of bake goods and that stupid kid Taylor, Tyler, whatever he’s called.  I also liked the interaction between Joanna and the Lifetime insert character Wendy.  Usually I hate the forced female bonding that Lifetime believes every single female has with anyone else who has estrogen in their body but it works here.

Wendy: A fairly decent Lifetime family member.  With so far no sob story and/or soap opera secret.  She also has facial expressions that are gif worthy though.

Dash (his name’s really Bran-or if they follow the book his real name is Loki): He’s no Tom Hiddleston, but he does have a soap opera actor chest and I can appreciate that.  Actually, he really didn’t have that much of a part here since he was sent out of town.  But I hope he is actually in the TV series more than he was in the book.  He is very pretty to look at and hopefully he can act.

Killian: An Ian Somerhalder look alike who is very, very, pretty to look at and who has superhuman strength.  He and Freya also like making out.  To be honest, he runs pretty true to his book counterpart which is okay.  As long as he’s an Ian Somehalder lookalike that is.

Adam (his name’s really Matt): I don’t get why Lifetime changes these names.  Even though he doesn’t have the blue eyes, I liked the actor a lot.  Only thing is I think he and Ingrid have better chemistry as friends which is a shame.  The relationship is obviously supposed to have a Prue/Andy vibe to it (more about the Charmed similarities later), but I just don’t feel romance between these two so far.  Of course, there was not that much interaction.  But yeah….not just feeling it.  Though maybe that will actually give Troy/Ingrid a chance to develop if Troy is introduced.

The Plot:

It’s pretty much a mixture of the book and Charmed.  Lifetime really is borrowing heavily fromCharmed to be honest.  So much that when I see exterior shots of the Beauchamp house I’m like dude just do a paint job so it doesn’t look so similar to Halliwell manor.

To be fair though, there doesn’t seem like there’s going to be any Power of Three or Whitelighters, but other than that….yeah, lots of similarities.  The cop’s relationship with Ingrid is one of them.  Grant it, this was a relationship that was actually in the book, but I think in the adaption it even more so resembled Prue and Andy’s relationship.  Another prime example is that the girls are now clueless about magic (to protect them).

Sound familiar?

I almost expect Grams to be popping out of their attic, but instead we have Wendy wearing the guise of Zachary Binks doing that.

It’s not that it is a total Charmed ripoff.  Hopefully, they’ll keep enough of Melissa’s original story to keep it its own entity.  And I really hope they do, because the Norse mythology bits would really be cool to see on the small screen especially with what Lifetime has going for it right now.  But given what I saw, I think they might go a more secular route.

The pacing for the first episode was fairly decent too, though I sort of wish there was more resolution for the first episode than there was.  There were just way too many cliffies for a pilot.

And is it just me or is that whole getting stuck in the painting a total ripoff of an episode ofCharmed?

God, I need to stop thinking about Charmed.

Overall, I’ll probably continuing watching this show and doing these weekly recaps/reviews.  From what i saw in the pilot, it has potential.  It’s not the best pilot I’ve seen this year, but it’s not the worst.  At the very least it’s amusing and I always like watching stuff based on stuff I’ve read.  I feel like an insider and feeling like an insider is sort of cool even if they do change a lot of it to match a beloved TV show of mine.

Who knows, maybe Witches of East End’s version of Phole (Phoebe and Cole) will actually succeed.

Yeah, I’m still that bitter about my ship being sunk by some stupid cupid.

Lifetime Squee: Oh yeah, Lifetime delivered big time.  See characters section of this review.  But I like all three guys they got here and they’re all different types.  Though I really do think they need to test chemistry on Ingrid with all the guys since I just don’t see sparks between her and the detective.

OMG Lifetime Moment: The freaking ending.  Dear lord it was like Lifetime decided to throw up all over the pilot the last ten minutes.  While the melodrama will make me tune in, I just thought an otherwise fairly well paced show got jacked up a little bit.

Overall Rating:  A nice B.  I’m cautiously optimistic.  It could go either way though, but right now I’m still taping it on the DVR.