The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Hidden by PC and Kristin Cast

Dear Casts,

It’s MJ.  You know that blogger who’s torturing reading all of of your released books and trying hard not to kill herself because of it.

Well, I finally finished.  Sort of.

I still have to read the little novellas you try to stuff down your readers throats.  But I’ve made it through ten books.  And I thought I’d tell you a little bit of my thoughts of the overall series and Hidden because I forced myself to read these books and I feel like you need to listen to my grievances.

Okay, I doubt you’ll actually read this.  And it’s probably better for your mental health and mine if you don’t since this is going to be a bit of a rant.  But writing this will hopefully make me feel better and want to pick up something to drink.  Because these books have made me stop drinking in fear of my liver.

And I view my liver as a very special thing, thank you very much.  Which is why throughout most of this drinking game I have been drinking purely tea-tonight’s beverage Hot Chili Truffle.

Besides, there are much better things to drink to like how many times the word baby is said in an episode of General Hospital–you’d be amazed.

So why am I writing to you?

Well, for one thing save for the half books this is the last time I’ll ever be reviewing a House of Night book by you two.  And I just want to say.  Thank you for scarring me for the rest of my life.  And oh, Heath, well, he’s going to happen about how fetch is going to happen.

 
Yes, Heath is not going to happen with anyone who’s not TSTL.  No matter how many times you try to force him down your audience’s throats.  No matter how many times you tell us that Prince Eric is bad now when we all know that Heath is the real douche-King Douche of the series.  And I don’t even know what Stark is supposed to be at this point other than another Zoey lapdog.  You two got over your crush on Robert Downey JR.?
Pity.
Though RDJ is probably relieved.
I know I am for him.
I’m not surprised you gave up on Ironman. Mainly because you give up on all your characters except your precious Zoey who I’m pretty sure probably rates in the top ten list of worst characters ever created to mankind. I seriously wonder sometimes if she’s really Ebony Darkness Raven Way.
You probably don’t recognize that reference or maybe you do. All I have to say is Google My Immortal.  I hope it doesn’t give you any bad memories.  Actually, you’d probably think that fan fic was the greatest thing ever since sliced bread.
Both you and Tara do like your Count Chocola.
Back to Heath, not going to happen.
I don’t know what your fascination with this character is and why you had to rename him after some electronics company.  Really, Aurox?  What sort of name is that supposed to be?  And don’t give me that bullshit excuse about how you need a unique name.  You’re not a celebrity, despite what you might think.  Only celebrities are allowed to name their kids bizarre things like Apple or North West. You need proof of that.  A judge made these idiots who named their kid Messiah (God, feel for that poor kid) change his name.  I’m guessing probably because neither parents have a reality show or a fashion line at K-Mart.
Yes, get yourself a fashion line at K-Mart then we’ll talk about naming characters after electronics company/dish soap.
And I really never get the appeal of Heath in the first place?  Why was he so great?  Prince Eric had more screen time and seemed less of an asshole in the first four books.  And you probably think I’m a die hard Prince Eric fan and that you’re throwing me a bone for obviously pairing him with the used to be blind girl who now has the special power of seeing auras, but you’re not.  You’re making it seem like Prince Eric was an ass.  He wasn’t an ass.  Zoey and Heath were the asses.
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
 
I think I got it.
You want Zoey with Heath because they’re both supreme assholes.
That makes sense.  But why complicate things with the whole I’m a monster storyline?  Seriously, All My Children did that a few years ago with Ryan and Greenlee ( a hated couple because Greenlee was only decent with Josh Duhamel’s character, Leo, and Ryan was a complete turd kind of like Travis Maddox, a la Beautiful Disaster).  I guess you sort of needed a plot since there’s only so many times Neferet can hide her evilness and Grandma Redbird can be kidnapped.
At least you stopped with trying to hide the fact that Neferet is an evil bitch this time around.  I really don’t see why anyone didn’t notice she was an evil bitch before but I’m sure I just nodded off during that plot.
As for Grandma Redbird.  Can you just kill her already?  Please.  She’s one death I actually want.  You have so many characters that die in here that I forget about or that you make undead-please, rekill Heath or as he’s known as know as a hybrid name between dishwasher soap and electronics.  But you never kill characters that deserve to die like Grandma Redbird.
I mean lavender chocolate chip cookies-nasty.  Okay, maybe they are good.  But I really don’t think this flavor combo would work together.
Anyway, I’m going to go now.  I need to regroup and try to will myself to make it through the half books.  But I wish you the best of luck on the next two books.  I think you’ll be okay though.  You seem to have the Captain Planet ending part down down perfectly.  And I think that you can make two more books mostly idle conversation because you’ve done it for the about eight out of the twelve books. Seriously, at this point I just wonder how much time has passed.
Ah Hell (Get the inside joke!),
MJ
P.S. I’m betting you  that Ironman gets his butt kicked to the curb for the electronic company/dish soap version of Heath.  Zoey turns into Captain Planet after almost dying due to the power of love/her friends will or some shit like that and kicks Neferet’s butt to Hades.  Grandma Redbird continues to make a mockery out of the Cherokee tribe.  And more insignificant characters die.  If anyone from the actual cast dies it will probably be Aphrodite or Prince Eric or maybe Ironman so that his precious Zoey can be with her one true wuv.
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The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Burned by PC and Kristin Cast

I have no words about how corny and stupid this looks.
 

At this point, I can’t even make a decent drinking game for these books because they’ve just gotten so bad and incoherent.  So if you want to get drunk off of this one (which I’m sure you do) just get drunk anytime you’re wondering what the hell is going on.  It’s that simple.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about Burned the seventh shitty installment of the hideous House of Night series.

Oh, and if you want to know what the rating is no freaking stars.  Because I had to go on Wikipedia and review several reviews to get a sense of what was going on and I took Civil freaking Procedure.  The concept of personal jurisdiction makes more sense than this shit.

So what’s the plot: Take any shitty (and yes, that seems to be the word of choice  for this review) supernatural show that you’d see on the WB/CW where the TSTL main character goes into limbo and learns that she has to move on and you have this book.  Oh, also throw in some culturally offensive Scottish versions of Amazons and add in some side plot with Stevie Rae that no one gives a fuck about and that’s the whole book.  If you want a less profanity induced summary that is more coherent here’s a link to the Wiki Page.

Alright, the rest of this installment to this feature is going to be mostly focused on the writing itself.  I might talk about some spoilers-regarding the world building- but it will be vague at best because even with the Wiki summary I’m still not sure what I read.

I think this was in part because of the random POV changes, the fusion of mythologies that made no freaking sense, and the fact that this whole book just seemed to lack structure.

After reading about six of these books, I thought I knew what to expect.  Shitty recap chapter with shitty stereotype characters introducing themselves as their respected characters.  You follow that by our asshole protagonist (a.k.a. Zoey Montgomery-that’s her legal name and I’m sticking to it) having some life crisis that usually involves a boy.  We then find out she has six million guys interested in her and the evil teacher is after her for no reason.  Stupid dialogue goes on for about four hundred pages (okay really two hundred) and then some Captain Planet shit goes down before we get a stupid ass cliffie before the book ends.

This book is…..well, different.

You’d think that’s a good thing.  Because these books are in desperate need of some originality, but no. The Casts version of originality is a scary place on Earth.

Honestly, it was a dumb mistake in the first place to put Zoey in limbo.  I hate that trope.  I really do.  Maybe it’s because I’ve watched too many WB/CW shows or daytime soaps but these scenes always come off as contrived and just plain stupid.  They’re pointless.  You know that the characters will always come back from the brink of death because the TV show has to continue and on soaps you’ll usually know a month or two before hand whether or not the actor is going to leave or not.  And in this case, we know that there are going to be twenty more of these things coming out so Zoey is going to live much to my displeasure.

So the whole plot of this book.

Pointless and stupid.

And if you were a die hard fan of this shit (and there are some people out there who enjoy these books believe it or not) then you’re going to be even more confused with what’s going on with the eighth installment because you had to wait twice as long to get your cliffhangers resolved.

Oh, well, Zoey will probably be obsessing about another boy.  And they’ll probably throw in Egyptian or Norse mythology just to fuck up everything a little bit more and rape another one of the world’s religions for a good measure.

Okay, that wasn’t the best transition sentence, but I have to talked about the f-ed up mythology in this series.  Its something you just can’t avoid.  I’m all for fusion when it comes to mythologies, but you have to have some reasons for the fusion and you have to explain how they collide instead of randomly throwing them together.  In the House of Night they practically throw every religion and mythology you can think about and more often than not they get things wrong about said religion.  Like, for instance, the Casts think Catholics worship Mary and view her as a deity.  WTF!?!?!?!?!

Yes, the Virgin Mary is a prominent figure in the Catholic religion, but she’s not viewed as a deity.  She’s simply the mother of Christ.  Honestly, I really get annoyed with this when writers do this because its just pure ignorance and laziness.  If you Google it you’ll find plenty of Catholic websites that will tell you that the religion does not worship the mother of God.  Its not rocket science.  Plus, if you talk to a Catholic (and yes, they do exist in Oklahoma) I’m sure they’ll tell you this.

Sigh…..

It’s not only the Catholic religion that gets a bashing its any other religion and for that matter culture as well.  Another of the recipients: Scotland.

The portrayal of Scotland in this book, sort of cement my theory  that the Casts are the reason that most people hate America and….well, that they were behind My Immortal (the hilariously bad Harry Potter fan fic).  Not only do the Casts decide that they are going to show us how the Scottish talk by writing some interesting dialect that I’m pretty sure is only spoken my illiterate trolls on World of Warcraft, but there’s also a rift off of Wonder Woman’s home country of Themycira except these Amazons live on the Isle of Skye (somehow I don’t think battle armor’s going to be comfortable there).  Oh, add in a line by Iron Man (better know as the fourth love interest, Stark) “because I love her” you’ll be having some rather interesting fan fic flashbacks throughout this.

Oh, Tara Gillesbie, it’s nice to see you did succeed in life.

It’s sort of sad that I find so many comparisons with that fan fic to this series but they keep popping up. And while at first made these references purely in jest, now I am actually starting to wonder especially after I read this installment.

Its not just the ridiculous plot, stupid characters, and dumb ass world building that make this particular installment unbearable, its the multiple changes in POV  with massive info dumps that made my head explode.  I actually commented, in one of my status updates, that I thought this wasn’t the final version. Okay, I know it is the final version of the book.  It’s been out for a few  years now, but it reads like an outline or  a draft.  I almost wonder if one of the Casts got to caught up in real life if they just cut and paste their notes onto whatever version of the story they were sending to their editor.  And their editor had other stuff to deal with (like eating Twinkies) that this got a pass.  That’s sort of what I think happened.  It is the only scenario that makes any sense because honestly this just seemed so half assed.

Yum, deep fried Twinkies.  They’d distract me from editing the Casts’ stupid book too.

Yes, I get you can successfully use different POVs in novels, but the fact that the first five volumes of this book were written in first person and the sixth was written mostly in third person.  This is a huge jump.  Maybe it would make more sense if this was a spinoff of the original series.  I could actually understand that and maybe all the blanks I was drawing would make some sense but nope….just nope.

Honestly, if I wasn’t so goal oriented I’d quit doing this to myself already.  I’m not enjoying these books.  They remind me a lot like Full House.  With each progressing installment it gets worse and worse.  I am really interested in people who are fans of these books.  Why do you like them?  Was the seventh installment coherent to you?  Have you read My Immortal and are secretly laughing at the fact that you know who the real Tara Gillesbie is?

Whatever.  You guys know I’m going to read the next one.  And I’ll probably be ranting about it more than I did about this one.  But really if you like these books skip this one, you’re not missing much except stupid limbo scenes and offensive religious and ethnic stereotypes.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Tempted by PC and Kristin Cast





Note: the following scenario is fiction and is used to illustrate my absolute hatred for the House of Night series.  Note, I am not actually a teacher and have not actually substituted for PC Cast.  I am merely using the classroom setting to illustrate my disdain for this piece of shit.



Somewhere in Oklahoma



MJ: Good morning class.  You’re teacher Mrs. Cast isn’t available so I’ll be teaching you guys today.  It says you were talking about Tempted?

Brown Noser: Yes, Tempted.  Its Ms. Cast newest and greatest book that she wrote with her daughter, Kristin.

MJ: Oh, hell no.  Your teacher isn’t PC Cast of House of Night fame.

Random Kid 1: That would be the one.

Brown Noser: Are you okay Ms. J?
MJ: You’ve been taught by PC Cast, I thought it was only a myth in the YA world that she’s a teacher.
Brown Noser: Oh, no.  She’s our teacher.  And she’s really great.  We talk about the House of Night series all the time.  It’s an educational experience.
MJ raises an eyebrow.
 
Brown Noser: It really is.  And if we’re really good we become a self insert character in the book.  Like, I’m one of the red fledglings.
MJ: There’s a Red Fledgling named Brown Noser?
Brown Noser: My name’s not Brown Noser it’s  Ebony Darkness Dementia….
MJ: Do you think I’m actually going to remember your name?  I’m only a sub.  And regardless, why would anyone want to be associated with those books.  I use them to get drunk.
Brown Noser: You can’t get drunk from House of Night.  It’s a literary classic.
MJ: Okay, fine.  I’m all ears on how not to get drunk on what’s this one called again…
Bored Kid: Tempted.  Though there’s no sex in it.  They talk about the importance of not losing your V Card to a slut.
MJ: Then no one must do it with Zoey.
Brown Noser: Hey, Zoey isn’t a slut.  She’s a self assured woman.  Having six boyfriends does not make you a slut.  That Z put Erik in his place.  Ms. Cast calls Zoey a feminist.
MJ: Why can’t I get drunk on the job?
Brown Noser: You want some brown pop I’m sure….
MJ: Okay, so you learned it’s okay for Zoey to cheat on Prince Eric because she’s a feminist.  But if a guy cheats on her…
Random Student 2: Then he’s a man ho.  I tried asking Mrs. Cast what the difference is and she says that’s feminism.
MJ: No, no.  No.  Feminism is about equality for women.  That you can…you know what….let’s watch a documentary on Susan B Anthony or maybe watch that clip on Entertainment Tonight about Hillary Clinton and the evolution of pant suits.  Okay?  And after that let’s talk about feminism.
Brown Noser: We’re supposed to watch movies in class.  Mrs. Cast says they rot your brain.  Besides, we finished talking about feminism a long time ago.  Now we’re talking about cultures.
MJ: Oh, this should be good.  Let me guess more bull shit about the Cherokee culture.
Bored Student: Pretty much.  We’ve learned how to say daughter in Cherokee probably every other day in class.  Oh, and we talk about the legend of A-ya  a lot.  It’s actually real, believe it or not.  I honestly thought Ms. Cast got that off of Wonder Woman.  But I Googled it and it’s actually based off of a real legend.  She does do some research.  Some being the operative word.
MJ: Like the fact that somehow she incorporates Greek mythology into it and it’s not rationalized.
Brown Noser: That’s not true.  She did provide an explanation remember when that Nyx and the Virgin Mary are the same person and…
MJ: What?  What?
Brown Noser: I was saying that….
MJ: I heard you Nyx and Mary are NOT the same person.  The Virgin Mary is Christ’s mother she’s not the personification of night.
Brown Noser: Well, in the book the nuns hinted that since Catholics worship Mary….
MJ: I am Catholic.  We do not worship Mary.  We only worship God.  Just God.  Mary is Jesus’s mother.  She holds an important place in the church but she is not a deity.
Brown Noser: But Ms. Cast said.
MJ: Fuck Mrs. Cast.  She probably did most of her research on Catholics from The Sound of Music.
 
 
Student Three: You need to put a word in the swear jar.  Ms. Cast only allows us to use the word bullpoopie and that’s in extreme circumstances.  Once I said asshat in class and she didn’t know what that meant.
MJ: Isn’t the meaning sort of obvious?  Does she even use context clues? Or for that matter watch South Park?
Student Two: What’s context clues?
MJ: Haven’t you learned anything about writing?
Brown Noser: We learned a lot about writing.  Ms. Cast wrote tempted in multiple POV and in first and thrid person.  They did it so that we could see different types of writing.
MJ: It was an incoherent mess though.  They can barely write first person so why did they think third was going to be much better.  In fact it was even worse if that’s even possible.
Brown Noser: I liked the other POV.  I liked how the Casts used the word “dang” to designate Stevie Rae’s POV. And both Heath and Stark…
MJ: Sounded the same.
Bored Kid nods head.
 
MJ: Okay, so it seems like the only thing you sort of learned from Tempted was Cherokee legends and they were butchered.  And you guys all do your homework so that you can be self insert characters?
Student One: Pretty much.  But it’s more educational than Twilight.
 
MJ: Yes, but Stephenie Meyer wasn’t a teacher.  She didn’t state that student/teacher relationships were okay.  And that wanting someone to be in a monogamous relationship is being pushy.  And that  making assumptions about someone’s religion….you know what guys, let’s watch The Avengers.  No, wait, she’s dampened that with all her not so subtle innuendoes of how she’s crushing on RDJ.  Okay, let’s watch Glee-wait, they referenced that too.  How about Oklahoma!  Damn it.  Let’s just watch a movie the Casts haven’t tainted.  How about Roman Holiday?
 
Brown Noser: Cool, the next House of Night book is taking place in Italy.  Well, the end of this one sort of did…but Mrs. Cast said.
MJ: Fine.  We’re going to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Because if anyone can kill Zoey Redbird it’s her.
 
 

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Hunted by PC and Kristin Cast

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother.

I am a goal oriented person.  Seriously, I have like post it notes on my desk with day goals, week goals, year goals, life goals…you get the picture.  And being goal oriented is a good thing.  But at this point with the House of Night books…I don’t know if I can continue it guys I really don’t.  Not after I read Hunted.

This book…

I understand why many people have quit the series after this installment.  And it’s not because this book is any more offensive than the rest (though if the character Karmisha would’ve been highlighted any more I think it could’ve approached that territory).  It’s just that this installment…it just showcases what’s wrong with this series.

I thought of reviewing this book several ways: interviewing characters from the book, writing a letter to Mrs. and Ms. Cast expressing my disdain, writing a review where I praise this book for doing what it is….essentially shitting on the written word.  But all those ideas, they were too good for this book.  And since this is supposed to be a drinking game feature, I just decided to list some things you could drink for.  Specifically, the top ten things that offended me the most about Hunted.



10) Not so subtle My Immortal references:



Just admit your Tara Gillesbie, Kristin.  The evidence is all there.  Count Chocola, a main character that looks like Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, multiple characters in love with the MC, perverts on campus. Heck, there’s even a scene where Zoey’s running around campus naked like Ebony.  And one of the love interests has red eyes like vampire.  God, if you haven’t read this fan fic.  Read it.   The grammar’s atrocious (hence, why PC probably had to help write this book), but it’s all there I swear.  Okay, it’s just my opinion  and I know in reality that Kristin Cast and Tara Gilesbie are two different individuals, but I just can’t help but wonder.  I just can’t.



9) Brand Spanking New Characters:



There were like fifteen or so new characters introduced in this installment.  I really can’t remember who was who and don’t care.  They serve no purpose just like most of those characters they forced upon us in the second season of Young Justice just to sell toys and look what happened to that show…seriously, Lagoon Boy and Blue Beetle (okay, I got Blue’s role, but I never liked him.  I’d rather focus on the characters we were introduced to in season one).



8) The Entire Plot (What There is of it):


The first one hundred and forty pages are a complete waste.  And when they go back to the school…it doesn’t even make sense.  Couldn’t they like get a vampyre healer?  I mean, they’re getting everything else brought into those tunnels.  Heck, they even have running water?  Is it really that hard to find some sort of medicine woman (like Dr. Quinn) to come and cure Zoey.  Or better yet let Zoey die.  That would’ve made a lot more sense than what did happen and been quasi poignant.  Honestly, the plot holes are what made the plot and that’s just sort of sad.
7) Bastardizing Religions/Mythologies/Cultures/History–a.k.a. being a Cast with “imagination”



You might think taking different mythologies and mixing them together would be a smart thing to do.  I guess if you did it correctly, it would.  But when mess up certain aspects about some of the mythology your using and have no explanation-say for the fact your using a Cherokee legend that took place thousands of years ago and try to make it take place in Oklahoma when it’s historically known that a part of the Cherokee tribe only moved to Oklahoma because of Andrew Jackson and the Trail of Tears (while small portions of the tribe hid in the North Carolina mountains and still reside in the state today), you have one big mess.  Then again, calling every celebrity and their mother a vampyre sort of gives you a clue of credibility of your made up mythology.



6) Contradictions

The Casts love to contradict themselves and they love to do it through long info dumps.  Honestly, at this point…anything goes and I no longer even care.  But I hate having to read these convoluted explanations.  And I’m like, why even bother you’ll just contradict yourself whenever you find it necessary.





5) Useless Dialogue

It’s not offensive, so much as annoying.  But really, really, half of this book could’ve been edited out.  That’s how useless some (if not most) of the dialogue is.  It just got really annoying after awhile.



4) Rape Culture:



There’s an attempted rape in this book.  And the way it’s handled is disgusting.  First of all, it was okay for the victim to be almost assaulted because the character that attempted to rape her was hot.  And for that, she endures slut slamming by are sanctimonious heroine.  Oh, and did I mention the attempted rapist barely got his hand slap.  Nope, it’s his victim who faces the consequences.



3) The Love Interests:



Seems a weird thing to be offended by.  But the love interests are pathetic.  All of them.  And what would that be five (no six if you count dead Loren) at this point in time.  Let me list them:

Heath (Sir Douche): Appears randomly, cals Zoey-Z, we’re told he’s a gentleman, but it’s obviously he’s really a douche.  Oh, and he and Zoey shared or share an imprint and you know how I feel about imprinting….

Erik (Prince Eric): He’s too good for Zoey.  Obviously.  And there’s really not much to him, he’s like a Disney character.  Though he’s always described as looking like Superman.  Guess the Casts never heard that Batman is the hot DC character not Superman, but whatever.

Loren (Mr. Mary Kay Laterno): He’s dead now.  But he and Zoey had sex.  He claimed to really love Neferet, but we all know what he was probably thinking…..

Stark (Iron Man): New kid in school who Zoey has an insta connection too.  He dies comes back evil but through the power of love (hey….don’t get drunk while reading this review).

Kalona (Kocoum): This fallen angel based on Native American legend who apparently thinks Zoey is Wonder Woman (well, a maiden made of clay that’s close enough) or something.  He’s completely evil, but because he’s hot Zoey thinks she likes him.

2) Zoey:



Is she supposed to be likable?  I don’t know what I’m supposed to get out of my main character.  Honestly, the only thing Zoey talks about other than brown pop is her pathetic love life.  And as you cans see from my list I drink just whenever that’s talked about.  So yeah, that makes her offensive in that regard.  And then there’s the fact that she’s just so judgmental, bitchy, and just unlikeable in general.  I can’t believe anyone would like this bitch given some of the things she has said.



1) Stereotypes:

This is a reoccurring problem throughout the series, but it grated on my nerves a little bit more this time around.  Probably because of the character Karmisha who is supposed to be the sassy African American from the ghetto stereotype.  It’s disgusting how the Casts portray her.  And to make matters worse, they completely shove her in our faces so that we have to like her.  I think that was probably my biggest issue because with Damen even though they stereotype him in the fullest (seriously, in every book we’re told in some not so obvious way that he’s gay), they don’t spend a full twenty minutes trying to get us to instantly like him  like they did with Karmisha. Plus, there was no need for the Karmisha character in this book. They already had a poet, but I guess the Casts just wanted to add more token characters in their book and token characters they have a plenty.  Let’s look at some of the stereotyping that goes on here, specifically concerning her:

Introduction to Karmisha:

“A black girl twitched out of the group.  It was a testament to how distracted I’d been with Venus and Aphrodite and Stevie Rae that I hadn’t noticed her before then.  She had on a form -fitting bright yellow shirt cut low to show the top of her black lace bra and a pair of high-waisted, skintight cropped jeans that were cinched up with a wide leather belt that matched her chunky gold shoes.  Her hair was cut geometrically into a short poof on her head, and half of it was dyed bright orange.” (Cast and Cast 35).

Karmisha’s first line:

” “Let’s get it straight right now that I’m not sharin’ my bed with no one,’ Karmisha said, weaving her head around and looking bored and pissed off at the same time (35).

And another brilliant quote of Karmisha’s:

” ‘Look, he had wings.   That ain’t right,’ Kramisha added, fragmenting my attention.  ‘My mma told me don’t trust no white boy, even a pretty one.  I’m thin’ a pretty white boy with wings explodin’ up form the ground in a mess of blood and ugly-ass bird things is double trouble.’ ” (42).

I’d like to interject at this point that the guy she’s talking about is Kalona who originates from an Native American  folklore and is described looking like a Native American.  And as far as I know, Native Americans aren’t white.

So, I want your thoughts.  Should I continue or not?  I really hate giving up on a goal but after reading this maybe…maybe you can understand if this is the last time I ever read about Zoey Redbird and her shitious life.

 

Should I continue with the Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game?
Yes, I like watching your sanity be tested. Take a sabbatical, but come back. No, I care for your well being. No one should have to endure this. pollcode.com free polls 

Quotes are taken from Hunted by PC and Kristin Cast, St. Martin’s, New York: 2009.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Untamed

Honestly, this cover….I have no words for it’s horribleness. 

What is almost annoying as House of Night….did you say High School Musical?  Well, if you did, then you’re right.  Now imagine if the two of them were combined

 
House of Night Musical: The Drinking Game!
 
Honestly, I decided that this particular installment (Untamed) needed a musical review because the whole book read like it was in desperate need of a montage.
Yes, this would so help the book.  Especially I could avoid 200 pages of Zoey’s rants.
 
So without further ado let’s get this musical on (and oh, yeah, it’s a drinking musical so obviously get out the mixed drinks and disco balls or whatever).
1) “What Makes You Different Makes You Beautiful“-The Backestreet Boys
Better known as the Zoey Redbird theme.  Anytime Zoey talks about how wonderful and special she is you almost want to cue the music.  Though I honestly, don’t know how that would work if Untamed or any of the other House of Night books were turned into musicals.  Wouldn’t Zoey notice she had a boy band behind her?  I guess, if you kept drinking every time Zoey says how special she is from the first line of page one to the last line of the book.  You’d be drunk enough not to care.

 

2) “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun“- Cyndi Lauper
God, the whole first five chapters could’ve just been a montage with this song. Seriously, this book had way too much girl talk.  I get that we want to show bonding and all that jazz.  But the plot needs to move a little bit.  And God, really, Aphrodite and Zoey doing the female bonding.  No.  Just no.  You know, it’s moments like these that I wish this book was translated to film or TV so I could just press the flash-forward button.  Really, I drank about two glasses of Glitter and Gold tea during these chapters just because I was so bored.  And well, Glitter and Gold tea is really good.
3) “Iron Man“-Black Sabbath
There’s  a new boyfriend to add in Zoey’s harem and his name is Stark-I think the Casts watched Iron Man before writing this book.  I have to admit I get the Robert Downey JR thing, but seriously.  Can we be a little more than obvious?  And this guy, if you think he has some sort of a personality.  Nope.  Just as lame as the rest especially since he declares his undying love for Zoey before he croaks.  Oh, and he has a dog named Duchess.  And that really bothers me because one of the dogs I adopted used to be named Duchess and her former owners neglected her to the point she had to get heartworm treatment and had a liver infection and…well, I guess I’m basing that more on a personal issue than anything else.  But that aside, yeah Stark is lame and this song is too good for him.  But hey, since we’re ripping off Iron Man might as well rip off the song.
The dog formerly known as Duchess.
4) “The Power of Love“-Sailor Moon
Don’t you know everything can be solved with the power of love?  At least that’s what Zoey says before Stark dies.  Yeah, I spoiled this bit for you, but it happens fairly early in the book so I don’t feel like it’s that big of a spoiler.  I just think having this song in here at that moment where she wills him on and he croaks is rather hilarious.
5) “Every Breath You Take“-The Police
Although, Loren is dead that still doesn’t mean that creepy student teacher relationships has ended at The House of Night.  Several times throughout the book Zoey’s dalliance with Loren is mentioned to the point that even Neferet shares with her superior the fact that Zoey slept with a teacher.  Does anyone care that Zoey has essentially been raped?  Nope.  Instead, this is used to imply that she’s a slut. Oh, and did I mention that Prince Eric is now a teacher too and Zoey has the hots for him still which brings us to our next song….
6) “Kiss the Girl“-Alan Menkin and Harold Ashman
Oh, Prince Eric.  I really don’t understand why you’re still trying with this girl.  And for that matter why you’d assign her to be your Desmonda when you’re playing Othello.  Yes, I’ve read the play I know how it not so subtly correlates with what Zoey did to you.  But dude, you’re her teacher now.  And to kiss her in class….Really, really, PC Cast is a teacher.  She should know about maintaining proper teacher/student relationships.  Plus, Prince Eric really you want to get involved with that again.  Le sigh.  I drank a lot during this part.
7) “Listen With Your Heart“-Alan Menkin and Stephen Schwartz
Anytime, Zoey’s grandma makes an appearance I can’t help but think of Grandma Willow from Pocohantas so I just had insert a song from that film into our little musical.  Besides, it’s weirdly appropriate given Grandma Redbird’s crunchy granola advice and how nature always is talked about.  And there’s always some garbage about following your heart.  I really feel like anytime this character appears you can drink.  Oh, and don’t get me started on how the Casts decided to invoke Cherokee legends into their little shit fest.
8) “Faces of the Heart” (“General Hospital Theme”)-Dave Koz
There are a lot of emergencies that take during Untamed and I thought it was only fitting that we’d have an emergency related song in this little musical.  I was tempted to use “How to Save a Life” by the Fray, but no….that’s not melodramatic enough for this piece of literature.  Plus, it’s used on Grey’s Anatomy and Grey’s Anatomy is a much more realistic take on medical emergencies than this books take on them.  So, I decided to use the old General Hospital theme which is fitting in multiple ways since the show involves both medical emergencies and melodrama.
9) “Material Girl“-Madonna
The Casts’s love describing Zoey and her dweeby friends (Nerd Herd-so not catching on) clothes.  So, why not have the song that is all about being a material girl.  It will make those pages of endless descriptions of black clothing more bearable (sort of).  Though the Casts’s lack of knowledge when it comes to menswear is mildly amusing.
10) Anything from the Memoirs of a Geisha soundtrack-John Williams
 This one’s actually mentioned by the Casts themselves during the climax-apparently, they had this music playing.  So I had to feature it, though I personally feel it’s a bit out of place.  “Kung Fu Fighting”, I think would’ve been a more appropriate choice here for a fighting song but whatever.  It’s just like the book is fragmented and filled with many gaps of logic.
So Overall Rating: Once again this one gets no stars from me.  As far as this one goes in the series, it’s merely filler except for the last twenty pages.  I’ll probably read the next one whenever I get it in my reserved box only because I have a perverse New Year’s Resolution to finish this series and I’d like to get a lot of it done before I go into the study dungeon.

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Chosen

My neck in real life is much more glamorous, of course.

Hi,

This is Zoey Redbird (yes, I know I’m amazing you can like totally stop clapping now).

Smiles.

I’m upset that people are using my series to get drunk. Seriously, you can’t understand how amazing it is.  That I am like the super-est of the super.  Seriously, Wonder Woman has nothing on me.  I am just amazing.

How many times do I have to say that?

A lot, I guess, since I keep repeating it a lot throughout my novel.  Now an evil person would drink a lot to that, but you’re not evil right?  But if you are let me tell you why you shouldn’t drink in my plight to be the bestest of the bestest.

Man, in this installment of my series my life really sucks.  I have three boyfriends and I complain about it a lot.  It’s soooooo hard to choose.  Let’s look at my choices:

A) King Douche: Oh, Heath.  We’ve always had this connection.  And we’re like perfect together because of our past even though he’s has about the same IQ as a Labrador Retriever.   And really does nothing that’s remotely likable.  Except, of course, I want his blood.

Cute and as loyal as a puppy, unless you count that skank bitch Kayla.

B) Prince Eric: Erik is just amazing.  Sure he lacks a personality, but you can always recognize him because of his Superman hair and blue eyes.  He’s sort of like Prince Eric on The Little Mermaid appearance and all.  I think he’s so pretty a lot throughout the book.  You can just drink at how I’m amazing anytime I describe him.

C) Mr. Mary Kay Laterno: Loren, oh Loren, my poetry teacher.  He makes me blush whenever he calls me a woman.  Yes, I know I’m a girl (you, pervert), but  there’s just something about the way he looks at me….that makes me…want him.  Despite the fact he didn’t really pay me the time of day until very recently.  Also, so what if he’s my teacher and I lose my virginity to him…it’s not that big of a deal.  We’re meant to be.  And that night…oh, it was filled of blood and passion (how romantic).

Okay, so I know my relationship with Loren is taboo.  I know a lot of things that go on in this book could be considered taboo.  But that’s what makes me so cool  man.

Oh, poopie, I bet that sounded lame there.

And really, I don’t know what’s wrong with bullpoopie.  You people who think I should cuss or at least act like a quasi normal human being just need to get over yourself because I’m special.

So, back to what we were talking about my story is taboo, original, and edgy.  Here are some of the “edgy” things that are discussed that have never been seen in a little fan fic called My Immortal

  • Student/teacher relationships: Loren and I are love.  We like did it in the rec room but it was totally ruined by Prince Eric who came in there and started cussing us out.

 

  • Count Chocola and vampires love for it (if I only I could have a Mercedes with the license plates with 666)

 

 

  • Friends that undergo radical transformations with makeovers that are from Hot Topic.

 

 

  • Evil teachers who hate me for no reason

 

 

 
See, totally original.  Totally. I am unique like a unicorn.  But better because I’m Zoey Poopie Redbird.  I’m not afraid to stand up to the issues and defend my friends.  And yeah, I sort of talk bad about them behind their back.  Like Stevie Rae, I totally agree with Aphrodite (that biotch) that she needs a makeover. But whatever.
I’m still a good person.
Even though that was sort of mean, blowing those two random guys in front of a truck to get ran over and then blowing it off because of happy hour at Starbucks.  But they didn’t die.
Besides, I’m totally a caring individual.  Look at how I take care of Damien.  He’s gay and I’m totally okay with that.  I love him, even though he’s characterized so stereotypically at least according to cynics.  And so what if he got with the only other gay kid in school it was true love Nyx meant it be.
And I so don’t know why people have a beef with Nyx.  She’s our one true goddess.  If you worship anything else your a fanatic or freak.  Like my mother.   I so don’t understand why she sent me a Christmas card. I hate Christmas it always ruins my birthday.  Bullpoopie Birthmas gifts.
Whatever.  So by now, you know that I’m a totally cool person and one you don’t have to get drunk to have fun with.  I mean, surely you can’t find anything worth drinking over from what I said, right?
See you in the fourth installment where I’ll hopefully be reblessed and crowed the highest of the high priestess (is there like a high priestess, pope?)
Zoey
Your future House of Night pontiff
Disclaimer: Obviously, I’m not Zoey Redbird or PC or Kristin Cast (God help me if I was one of them).  I am merely using the character to illustrate my deep hatred for these books and why you should get drunk or at least get a sugar high off of them. 

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Betrayed

I think my local library hates me.  There are some books I’ve been waiting for months to get my hands on and then there’s others like P.C. and Kristin Cast’s Betrayed that come into my box almost instantaneously-oh, the humanity.

The good thing though is that I’m on Spring Break and had nothing to do this weekend other than babysit my father (long story short he decided to climb up a tree to rescued his crashed RC airplane and ended up breaking his foot).  Which meant reading and snarking at the second House of Night book was a way to alleviate my stress of being forced to make coconut praline smoothies every other second.  So without further ado let’s start drinking to Betrayed by PC and Kristin Cast.

Like with the first book a lot of the same drinking rules apply. You can drink every time the Casts embarrass themselves or humanity (that’s about every sentence), offend humanity in general (once again every sentence), or go on a spill about how Zoey farts rainbows and poops glitter turds (again, every sentence).  I don’t like being monotonous  and I feel like if I continue with the same format for this drinking game you guys will get bored.  So, today I’m going to focus on how to make the most of your drinking (which parts of the book are the most worth getting drunk over).

1) Any Time You Want Sexual Harassment Panda to Make an Appearance:

Remember Sexual harassment panda from South Park?  Well, he needs to make an appearance here.  The teachers and students at House of Night really know nothing about proper behavior.  I could not stand Loren despite the fact he’s supposedly some “hottie”.  All I was reminded of was one of those pervy guys who seduces girls with poetry and should be on To Catch a Predator.  Seriously, if your under eighteen and he’s older don’t go there.  You may think he’s mysterious and hot and age doesn’t matter when it comes to romance, but the fact that he’s legal and your not has lots of ramifications.  Plus, don’t you think if he was that great of a catch he’s already have a girlfriend his age already?   So yeah, Loren he might be described as looking like a model but I bet the character really isn’t that hot.

2) Every Time the Casts make an ass of themselves involving LGBTs (this originally involved all humanity in general, but they really did a number to LGBTs in this book that they get their own drinking category):


The Casts offend lots of people: Christians, conservatives, blondes, Native Americans,  vampires (if they count as people), anyone who has a brain…but I have to say LBGTs got it the worst in this book.  I really feel sorry for the character Damien he’s a token character if there ever was one.  I literally drank a sip of my chocolate chai every time he appeared because the Casts would make some comment about his sexuality.  That he smiled gayly, or that he looked gayer than usual, that he looks like one of those old gay movie stars (Rock Hudson I’m presuming)  or that he falls in love with the first gay kid that comes to school, or that he wears pink pajamas.  Enough already.  Damien is gay.  Yes.  But that doesn’t mean he needs to be a walking stereotype.  Write him like you’d write any character except that he dates guys not girls.  It’s not that difficult.



3) Every time you just roll your eyes at the “romance” in this book.

Yes, I know it’s YA and romance in YA can be flimsy at best but I have to say the romance in the House of Series makes Twilight look like the best love story ever told.  There’s hardly any interaction between Zoey and the boys who are all in love with her. Out of all of them I probably like Erik the best and that’s only because he’s hardly appears and when he does I just see my Disney crush (Prince Eric) so that makes him okay (though he is ruining that cartoon crush and that isn’t okay).  As for Heath, well, he deserves his own drinking game (see 6) an Loren just makes me want to bathe in bleach (see 1).  Really, all the romance that’s in this book is Zoey trying to figure out who she loves the best and I could care less who she ends up with.

4) Every time you swear that this series is a rework of that epically challenged fan fic, My Immortal:
Last time, I jokingly mentioned that I thought this series could be based off of a rather infamous fan fic. Now, I’m starting to really wonder.  Let’s talk about My Immortal for a minute.  Once again, I’ve provided a link to its Wikia page but unless you’ve actually experienced the eye bleeding that this fan fic causes and then read The House of Night you’re not going to notice the similarities.  Honestly, a lot of this story reads as a clean up version of the fan fic: the romance is as senseless at the story, there’s a lot of talk about coffins, Count Chocola, about the snow making the character feel depressed, evil and pervy teachers, and a super powered Mary Sue.  Heck, there’s even the same generalizations about LGBTS made.  Considering that the author, Tera Gillespie  is reportedly from Dubai and that the Casts are from Oklahoma maybe it’s just a coincidence.  But you never know….

5) Anytime the Casts talk about poetry or try to teach any sort of English lesson whatsoever:


Look, I get that Cast Senior is a teacher in real life (though if my kid got in her class and I read these books, I’d be getting them transferred quicker than you can say Zoey Redbird), but I can guarantee you kids don’t read the House of Night series to learn.  Or at least I would hope not.  I have not learned a single thing from these books except for the lows that humanity can stoop to.


6) Heath pimping:

Okay, so this sort of goes with category three, but I think it sort of deserves it’s own category.  Heath is just unlikeable.  The Casts can do nothing to make him likable.  I could care less if he smokes or drinks.  His addiction issues weren’t what makes him a deplorable character.  He’s immature and stupid.  And honestly I think this quote says just about everything you need to know about him:

“Erik wasn’t like that at all, and I couldn’t help but compare him to Heath, who would probably have been freaked that he had to room with a gay kid.  Not that Heath was hateful or anything like that, but he was a typical teenage Okie boy, which tended to mean narrow minded homophobe.” (Casts 186).

Um, so was that quote suppose to make me like Heath because it doesn’t?  In fact, it pretty much seals my feelings for him.  Obnoxious tool who just happens to be a homophobe.

And so ends another chapter of The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game brought to you by MJ’s liver.  I’ll probably be reading another one of these books, Chosen, in the next month (or whenever it shows up in my reserve box).  What will happen next?  Will Zoey find out that she’s the Nyx’s long lost more powerful daughter?  Will Grandma Redbird embezzle from the Cherokee bingo  parlor’s funds to feed her Etsy habit?  Will Heath write a sad country song called “Imprinting Why It’s Not a Legitimate Excuse for Statutory Rape”–oh wait, that’s the wrong type of imprinting?  Or will they all go flying in a Mercedes with the license plate 666 (if it’s truly based on My Immortal that could actually happen)?

The Unofficial House of Night Drinking Game: Marked

That cover reminds me of what some Goth teen self named Raven who posts on fan fic would post as their fic’s cover.  Guess the publisher at least did something right.
 
I’ve decided that it’s time that this blog has a drinking game.  And I decided that if we’re going to do it right, we might as well use one of the worst (in my opinion) series in YA to drink, too which is The House of Night.  Note, there are several ways you can play the drinking game.  But I advise you not to do all steps at once.  Doing so would probably cause organ failure.
 
About the House of Night as I said before, they  drive me bananas.  I only read halfway through the second book before I through the towel in on the series, but amazingly the series is doing fairly well.  It’s been on bestseller lists, optioned, and they even have House of Night merchandise you can buy.  I’m not going to try to understand the popularitiy of this series.  Instead, we’re going to drink.  If you’re under twenty-one or worried about your liquor you can do what I did and indulge in root beer (put some ice cream on it and you have a float).  It’s really delicious and makes this book slightly more bearable.  Oh, and if your wondering what I rate this book a big fat zero.  That’s right it doesn’t even get a one star.
 

1) Take a sip every time you want to slap Zoey:  When we’re introduced to Zoey she’s instantly unlikeable from the start.  It might be because she failed her Mary Sue litmus test multiple times or the fact she’s so judgmental on everyone.  For example, our introduction is her bashing her ex because he drinks a lot and smokes.  So, freaking what?  It’s his life not hers.  Yes, I get that drinking and doing drugs is bad, but she’s not his mother.  And she’s broken up with him.  Here’s a few more people she makes ill informed judgments on throughout the book (you can use them as guideposts to know when to drink):

 
  • Her mother/family (save for her hippie grandma): Zoey’s parents are religious and have problem, ya’ll.  And she makes sure that she berates them for it. Especially when it concerns her mother’s relationship with her step father.  I know I’m suppose to feel sorry for Zoey after reading this, but I don’t.  I really don’t.  The one sided judgements that are made just made me angry.  Whenever her family’s mention you can also take a sip per number three (a.k.a. stereotyping).  

 

  • Skinny Girls: Zoey frequently knocks people with skinny body types and make crude remarks about girls suffering from eating disorders.  Look, eating disorders are bad, but so is making fun of someone’s body shape.  You really think that if you say you look like a walking stick to a girl who is suffering form self esteem issues that she’s starving herself/causing to throw up is the healthiest way to get around a positive body image.  No, just no.  Plus, Zoey there are people who are naturally skinny.  Who as much as they’d like to have curves don’t.  Calling them hos just because the way they look is wrong.

 

 

  • Aphrodite and Poor Sarah Jessica Parker: Zoey hates Aphrodite right off the bat for no apparent reason (Aphrodite even attempts to be nice to her) and tells us that she looks like an annoying  hag, just like Sarah Jessica Parker.  A popular girl looking like SJP?  Have you seen SJP as a teen.  Sort of awkward looking.  Plus, how can you find SJP annoying?  She is Carey Bradshaw and she probably has the best wardrobe in television history.

 

 

  • Stevie Rae (her new bf.f.): Stevie Rae might be Zoey’s new b.f.f., but that doesn’t stop her from constantly telling the audience what a provincial hick she is.  

 

 

  • Kayla (her old b.f.f.): Zoey goes completely psycho on her former b.f.f. making random accusations that Kayla is into her ex because she’s wearing a shirt that’s the color of flesh.  I kid you not.

 

 

  • Elliot: This poor sole never even talked to Zoey and she talks about how mean and ugly he is.  And just brushes off his death because he’s apparently butt ugly.

 

 

2)  Take a swallow every time we’re told she’s special: Oh dear lord, the amount of Zoey butt kissing that goes on in this book alone can send someone into a root beer coma. It’s constantly hammered into the reader’s head: Zoey’s an outcast, she’s beautiful, she has random out of body experiences, her mark is special, she can control all the elements just like Captain Planet (though heart is replaced with spirit), and all the boys love her.

3) Take a sip anytime the Casts offend a person based on race/gender/sexuality/weight/culture/or just humanity in general.  If you decided to drink to this one you’ll probably be angry while you get smashed.  Here’s just a few groups the Casts offend:

  • Women: If you wear a low skirt, like to broadcast the fact that you’re a vibrant woman than Zoey is going to brand you a slut.  If you look at her the wrong way  you’re going to be branded a slut. If she just doesn’t like you…you get the picture.  All I have to say is this, grow up!

 

  • Cherokees: I’m like a sixteenth Cherokee or something obscure.  While I’m proud of my heritage, I’m not really connected to it like Zoey is.  However, I’d say that Zoey takes the very cliche route when it comes to being a descendent of a Native American.  I think her only exposure to her culture is through a Cherokee bingo parlor or whatever.  

 

 

  • Oklahomans: My mother is from Oklahoma and hardly ever uses the word ya’ll, does not like going to the rodeo, and does not listen to Kenny Chesney.  She has relatives who live in Oklahoma and they are the same.  And an Oklahoma accent isn’t that different from a Texan accent.  Just saying.

 

 

  • Conservatives: I might not be a conservative, but I know lots.  And their good people.  Do we disagree about our values, yes, but they’re usually not evil zealots.

 

 

  • Religious People: People can believe in God and not be a douche.  Seriously, having Zoe’s family and everyone else who believes in some form of religion that is not Casts hybrid Greek mythology/Cherokee/ Wiccan religion is disgusting.

 

 

  • Men: A man is essentially raped in this book and it’s blown off.  Men get raped too.  I don’t get why that’s a hard concept to grasp.  

 

 

  • LBGTs: There’s one gay character in this book and we’re constantly told he’s gay to where he’s essentially a token character.  I kid you not, there’s even some line in the book where the Casts sort of break the fourth wall and admit it. It’s beyond annoying.

 

 

  • Vampires: And I thought Twilight bastardized vampires.  This book makes me want to read Stephenie Meyer’s take on vampires again.  It’s that bad the mythology is so confusing and does not make sense see number six and the Casts actually have the gall to mock Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  I kid you not.

 

 

4) Take a gulp whenever Zoey gives an ill advised moral lesson: Zoey and her authors are intent on teaching their audience some ill informed lessons here’s just a few:

  • Drugs are lame, but don’t be a nark: Look, I get drugs are bad and all.  But honestly, the way Zoey talks about it reminds me of a really bad PSA.

 

  • Slut slamming is okay, if the girl’s not your friend: I’ve already talked about this before, but really the amount of girl hate based on appearances in this book is obscene. 

 

 

  • Men can’t get raped: Yeah, the logic here doesn’t need to be discussed anymore.

 

 

  • Anorexics should be bashed as well as individuals with thin body types: You could get drunk off of these offensive statements alone.

 

 

  • All religious people are nuts: Maybe if they’re a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, but normally not so much.

 

 

  • If your name is Zoey Redbird you can do no wrong: Does anyone that’s not deemed “evil” in this book question this girl?
 

5) Drink an entire glass whenever she talks like an eight year-old (likewise, take a sip whenever Damien demands it necessary to give us a vocabulary lesson): There is an entire chapter devoted to crap, guys.  But it’s not called excrement, it’s called poopie.  Poopie.  How old is Zoey suppose to be again?  I guess I shouldn’t be surprise since she uses the words boobies frequently as well.  If that’s not bad enough Damien gives us an educational vocabulary lesson every time he appears.  Although, it’s not that educational to me since I knew most of these words by the time I graduated from middle school.

6) Drink every time you  try to make sense of the Casts vampire mythology and wonder why they decided to use spell vampire vampyre: Was the spelling done differently because it was cute?  Seriously, no explanation whatsoever.  Guess that makes sense becuase the mythology in these books is really odd too.  I don’t understand the vampire origin other than it involves the goddess Nyx (a Greek goddess) and the Cherokee people.  Oh, and somehow the Amazons are involved as well.  And why do some fledglings die and do vampires (I meant vampyres live forever)?  I’m sorry these vampires are not vampires, they’re Captain Planet wannabes meant Charmed wannabes.

 

7) Swallow anytime you question the love interests: The love interests are just horrible in this book.  We have many people loving Zoey-it only gets worse as the series progresses.  But the first book focuses on these two idiots

  • Erik Night: Think of a guy who’s super hot and has the personality of a dead fish.  He likes Zoey for no explained reason and they share about as much chemistry as Bethany and Xavier Woods.  On the bright side, I did prefer him to Heath, but then again that’s not saying much.  What really amazes me though, is that the Cast women fought so much about this love triangle that they eventually resolved it by introducing a new douche in the series.  Honestly, from what I’ve seen I don’t know why anyone who’d pick Heath.

 

  • Heath: This guy reminds me of some loser you’d see on Sixteen and Pregnant  the deadbeat you know whose going to abandon his child.  He pops in occasionally just to tell Zoey she’s hot before staring at someone’s “boobies”.  Though apparently Zoey might’ve imprinted on him.

 

8) Drink every time you question the logic in these books: Seriously, this series doesn’t make sense.  Here are some things I randomly wondered when reading it.

  • How is the House of Night getting it’s money.  Tuition isn’t paid

 

  • Why is someone marked a vampyre?  If they weren’t marked wouldn’t they be normal.

 

 

  • Vampyres they’re not vampires.  Why are we even putting them in the same category was this just done for marketing purposes?

 

 

  • Why does everyone love Zoey she’s a bitch?

 

 

  • How many out of body experiences can one have?

 

 

  • Do these teachers even teach?

 

 

  • And why hasn’t any of these parents sued the school yet for their kids dying?

 

 

If you chose this option to drink too you’ll be drinking a long after you finished the book

9) Take a swallow every time you think about how this book got optioned and for that matter wonder who is cool enough to play Zoey Redbird: A movie of this filth is suppose to be released  Let’s hope it’s in development hell.  Because this film would be worse than Twilight and there would be at least five of them.

10) Take a chug every time you wonder if this is some published version of My Immortal: If you read the infamous Harry Potter fan fic you’ll find some glaring similarities to Zoey Redbird and Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way (the MC Mary Sue of the fan fic).  Let’s look at a few

  • They both are vampires

 

  • They both go to boarding school and have a lack of respect for authority figures

 

 

  • Both are in love with two boys and have awkward make out sessions

 

 

  • They both like Count Chocola and think it’s ironic because they’re vampires (hee hee hee)

 

 

  •  They both are extremely judging and make assumptions about each and every character

 

 

  • They are loved by everyone

 

 

  • And everyone who doesn’t love them is a prep

 

 



And so ends this installment of the House of Night drinking game.  Next month, or in a couple of weeks depending on how glutton for punishment I am and the library’s reservation list, I’ll read Betrayed.  The title alone is worth drinking too.