Best Thing About the Book is the Fucking Cover: The Siren by Kiera Cass

Love is a risk worth taking.

Years ago, Kahlen was rescued from drowning by the Ocean. To repay her debt, she has served as a Siren ever since, using her voice to lure countless strangers to their deaths. Though a single word from Kahlen can kill, she can’t resist spending her days on land, watching ordinary people and longing for the day when she will be able to speak and laugh and live freely among them again.

Kahlen is resigned to finishing her sentence in solitude…until she meets Akinli. Handsome, caring, and kind, Akinli is everything Kahlen ever dreamed of. And though she can’t talk to him, they soon forge a connection neither of them can deny…and Kahlen doesn’t want to.

Falling in love with a human breaks all the Ocean’s rules, and if the Ocean discovers Kahlen’s feelings, she’ll be forced to leave Akinli for good. But for the first time in a lifetime of following the rules, Kahlen is determined to follow her heart.

Source: GoodReads

Kiera Cass really has a great cover designer and can come up with interesting concepts, I think those are the only two reasons I keep giving her chance after chance when she keeps giving me crap book after crap book.

The Siren was as shitty as the rest of her books were, so don’t get your hopes up.

Yeah, sorry to be the Debbie Downer here.  Though, I really don’t know if it’s being a Debbie Downer since I’m only speaking the truth.

The book sucked ass.

Some background information, the book was originally self published before Cass decided to torture the rest of us with The Selection-whatever it is now, originally trilogy now never ending books series.  When she conned sold so many people the Selection books Harper decided to pick it up a plaster a new cover on the heap of crap  revise the book so that it could be published traditionally.

The result.

It’s still shitty.

Honestly, the book reads very much like a Twilight fan fic would’ve read about eight or nine years ago.  Hell, some of the tropes are common.  From insta love, to beautiful paranormal creatures, to stupid boys who just need to be punched this book has it all.

I DNF’d it in 154 pages.

The main character, Kahlen bemoans about killing people decide making the concentrated choice to become a siren eighty years ago.

Look, I had no sympathy for bitch.  She knew what she was getting herself into and how can I feel sorry for someone who constantly puts people in peril and kills them.

Oh, yes, because she saw the error of her ways and fell in wuv…

Yeah, I know my eyes almost got stuck from all the eye rolling too.  I think what really got to me about this book, was that it could’ve been really cool if Cass went more into what the sirens could do rather than the fact that being a siren allows them to have lots and lots of pretty salt water dresses (don’t ask me how that works, but I’m guessing Cass was sort of inspired by Ariel’s Triton created dress at the end of The Little Mermaid).

As for the romance, that has made my eyes stuck in the back of my head.  It’s laughable and too instant lovey for me to care about.  Plus, the hero has one of those stupid unique name cliches-fact, he says the stupid name is unique.  I kept calling him Anklet in my head, though his real name is Akinli or something of the other.

The pacing is also off in this book and I really didn’t understand any of the world building save for the hundred years and the salt grass crap bits.

Overall, the book really didn’t work for me.  Perhaps, if you haven’t been overexposed to the world that was paranormal YA back in the late 2000’s this one might be okay for you, but for me blragh.

Overall Rating: DNF

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The Only Twilight Worth Acknowledging: Twilight by Meg Cabot

This time it’s life or death.

Suze has gotten used to ghosts. She’s a mediator, after all, and communicating with the dead is all in a day’s work. So she certainly never expected to fall in love with one: Jesse, a nineteenth-century hottie. But when she discovers that she has the power to determine who becomes a ghost in the first place, Suze begins to freak. It means she can alter the course of history… and prevent Jesse’s murder, keeping him from ever becoming a ghost – and from ever meeting Suze.

Will Jesse choose to live without her, or die to love her?

Source: GoodReads

What I Remember: 

I tore into this book on a Mediator binge read back when this book was released.  I think it might’ve been the first time I’ve binge read a series.  I rapidly tore through the pages wanting to read what was next.  And the result it made me laugh, cry, and just have so many feels.

Upon Reread:

I am still getting the feels from this book roughly eleven years after the last one was published-God, I don’t like thinking that this book is that old.

It still holds up pretty well though.  In some ways, it’s holds up better than a lot of Cabot’s older titles.  I think it’s because rather than relying on a lot of pop culture references and jokes that other Cabot titles rely on, it really focuses on the story.

And the story is really aw-ing, although there are some plot holes that I noticed on reread.  But I try not to think of them.  Because we all know time travel is a very strange thing thanks to the Doctor, and it’s better to NOT try to make it logical.

Twilight ties up the series very nicely.  So nicely in fact, that when I heard there was going to be a new book, I was a little nervous.

Because Twilight ends just perfectly.

That last chapter, every single time I read it I just tear up.  It makes some one a little weary seeing how things are going to progress with these characters.

Especially since there was a point in time where Meg said that no one would want her to write a sequel, since bad things would happen to the characters.

Who knows though?

All I know is that Twilight is pretty much the perfect book.  While I wouldn’t say it’s as action packed as Darkest Hour, there is a lot of action in it AND more importantly it’s a very emotional book.  Things are nicely tied up in this installment and can’t help but make you cry with tears of happiness.

Overall Rating: An A+

Patty Beagle Presents: When Stephenie Meyer Hit the Find and Replace Button

Celebrate the tenth anniversary of Twilight! This special double-feature book includes the classic novel, Twilight, and a bold and surprising reimagining, Life and Death, by Stephenie Meyer.

Packaged as an oversize, jacketed hardcover “flip book,” this edition features nearly 400 pages of new content as well as exquisite new back cover art. Readers will relish experiencing the deeply romantic and extraordinarily suspenseful love story of Bella and Edward through fresh eyes.

Twilight has enraptured millions of readers since its first publication in 2005 and has become a modern classic, redefining genres within young adult literature and inspiring a phenomenon that has had readers yearning for more. The novel was a #1 New York Times bestseller, a #1USA Today bestseller, a Time magazine Best Young Adult Book of All Time, an NPR Best-Ever Teen Novel, and a New York Times Editor’s Choice. The Twilight Saga, which also includes New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella, and The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide, has sold nearly 155 million copies worldwide.

Source: GoodReads

Once upon a time, a  woman made millions by writing a self-insert fantasy based on a dream she had where a super glamorous version of her made out with Henry Cavil* in a meadow.

I was not that woman.

Hurricane Patty

Adorable, cute, perfect. All of these descriptions describe yours truly.

For one thing, if I was going to write about my dreams it would involve me being the only puppy in my house-no pesky Chihuahuas or terriers-and eating a big juicy steak.  There would be no vampires because, ew, drinking blood is nasty.

Alas, no one is interested in hearing the fantasies of a perfectly sweet and demure Beagle.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you people.  Especially when said woman ten years later publishes the same book but hits find and replace on all the pronouns making all the sires bitches and all the bitches sires.

That is just so confusing.

Oh, it could be interesting.  Like you know if there was really a purpose other than changing the genders, BUT there was no purpose.

Instead, it just showed how archaic Ms. Meyer’s views of gender are.

Yes, 2005 was ten years ago but gender norms haven’t really evolved that much in ten years ago.  At least not to the extent that Stephenie Meyer would like you to think.

Take for instance the author’s note that deals with the non-gender swap between Charlie and Renee.  Back in the late 80’s early 90’s according to Meyer, bio-daddies weren’t likely to get sole custody unless the mother was a crack head.

Um, nope.

Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.

Times infinity.

This legal beagle knows from her owner’s family law case books and life stories, that plenty of single men raised their kids  back then.  The court doesn’t look at gender generally speaking, and there are plenty other excuses besides the fact that Charlie-who I will rename Charlene could’ve not had primary custody of Beau.  But whatever.

This comes from the same woman that thinks boy’s can’t be raped.  Obviously, she did not watch the two plus year old story on One Life to Live where crazy Margret kidnapped Not Todd Manning and we were forced to endure the year long pregnancy slash baby napping of their son.  Then again, a lot of people don’t get that men can be raped.  Just ask the characters Graham and Robin Hood on Once Upon a Time.  It’s really sad though, that this can’t be addressed and instead Beau and Royal (what a stupid ass name, not even my call name HRH The Pretty Precious Princess, is that ridiculous).

Me while reading this.

Me while reading this.

Even little issues like Bonnie (used to be Billy) not going fishing with Charlie because it isn’t manly and Beau fainting because he has vasovagal syncope-a disorder that might my owner add mainly affects women, she would know because she was handed a handout for said disorder because she  suffers from it-which they proceed to make bad jokes about for half a chapter because heaven forbid Beau faints because he can’t stand blood because he’s a boy.

It’s funny how “traditional” Meyer is with her use on gender.  I say traditional becuase many of what are proclaimed to be traditional gender norms, aren’t really that traditional.  Like the color pink.  Up until the relative recent past, it was commonly worn by boys rather than girls.  And one of MJ’s annoying baby Chihuahua puppies name is Pinky.   And yes, he’s a he.

Pinky the annoying puppy.

Pinky the annoying puppy.  Brainy the annoying puppy is in the background.

So there, Meyer, the so called gender norms you believe in nobody buys it.  See Pinky the annoying Chihuahua for Exhibit A.

Most of Life and Death consisted of Meyer retelling Twilight where Beau likes the color blue better and still cooks Charlie lasagna, but eats it all instead of waxing about not having a bite.

Seriously, it’s lasagna, Charlie.  Everyone loves lasagna.

Well, cartoon orange cats and beagles like it.

Anyway, Charlie throws a hissy fit.  Which I think is so over the top because I eat the last bites of lasagna-or really anything that I’m allowed to eat all the time.

That’s the main difference between this and Twilight, besides the ending which is probably the best part about this book.

If Twilight only ended this way then we wouldn’t have three sequels.  Okay, so Meyer kind of half asses the ending, but it’s a better ending.  Feels much more realistic since no one turns into a pervert, there’s no baby Loch Ness monster, and Beau actually has to deal with (gasp) consequences.

Albeit, the consequences don’t last that very long.

And Beau is like I don’t give a damn I have ultra skinny vampire girlfriend to keep me happy.

It’s truly disturbing how Edythe’s attractiveness is described by her extreme thinness.  I don’t know what Meyer is thinking.  I am a corpulent Beagle and am still considered to be very, very, cute.  Adorable.  Except when there are baby Chihuahuas involved.

I hate baby Chihuahuas.

They ruin everything.  Do you know I have to spend most of my days outside now?  Who wants to do that?  And they poop on my bed-oh, the indignity.

Bed Patty

My bed has been defiled!

The point is, Edythe is like a baby Chihuahua unreal looking.  And that means she sucks*.

You know who I kept thinking Edythe was throughout Lady Edith from Downton Abbey.  Except Lady Edith isn’t stupid enough to spell her name that way or become a vampire.

Vampires suck.

That’s one of the lessons I learned from this book because, you know, you have to learn a lesson from every book you read.

Really though anyone should just skip this because this book is just so bad, I’m not even interested in it even though I got some much needed attention (meaning, more food).  Originally my owner wanted to write an article about gender in YA, but after reading this she couldn’t because she told me it was a book so bad it would be like kicking a puppy to write a review.  Hence, why I am discussing it.

I’ll go back to being tormented by those evil Chihuahuas now.  Look at what my life’s become….le sigh.

Thank You,

Patty Beagle

*Patty states Henry Cavil, because he was the choice Meyer originally had in mind to play Edward before being deemed too old.

*Note I disagree with Patty, personally I think baby Chihuahuas are adorable and don’t look anything like the Cullens.